I am now accepting applications for the role of "girlfriend" for events and company functions.

Duties:

Pretend to actually like me and look in my general direction once in while. Make it obvious that you're only pretending to like me.

Remain silent and look uncomfortable as I am being singled out for attack during moments of awkward family drama.

Wear enough perfume to choke a rhinocerous. (chemical warfare)

Remove and reapply all make up at least 15 times an hour.

As I try to affectionately run my fingers through your soft, silky hair, you must immediately push away my hand while making a disgusted face, then proceed to berate me about how it took you hours to make your hair look and feel like that and you'll be goddamed if you're going to let me mess it up.

Speak only when NOT being spoken to, and when you do speak, drone on endlessly about how your feet are killing you, but "OMG... aren't these the cutest shoes?"

Reject all my invitations to dance because your feet hurt and you don't want to take off your really cute shoes.

Remove shoes and agree to dance with the guy sitting with us at the same table.

Wait until I'm clearly having a good time, interrupt me, then tell me you're hot, tired, have a headache, and would like me to take you home now.

Compensation:

Free food and alcohol
Keep stunning outfit and Jewelry
Keep shoes
Free transportation to and from events
(provided you talk over the GPS, complain about my driving and ask me when was the last time I wiped down the inside of my car)

Airfare not included.