Thank you

I felt it was necessary because of my own personal standards. I rarely do what I did there, on that post, Because I know better. For those reasons, alone, it was an exercise that had to be done. I needed to Remind myself that these are the reasons I do not behave in this way. I am old enough to know better. I've lived a pretty fast and hard life. I have always been an accelerated person, so I have high expecations for myself. My grandfather was the best human being I have ever known, he was my Mr. Miyagi, my Yoda, my Dalai Lama... and he would have been disappointed in my reactions in that thread. I look and gauge All the steps I take, All my reactions in life, because I Do Believe they culminate somewhere down the line in a karmic sort of way, and they Will find me, and I weight those things against the people I have loved the most, who have passed away, would They be proud of me...? Or ashamed and disappointed in me? When I Understood that Answer to that question for myself, "Yes, the would be disappointed." I knew what had to be done.

I needed to apologize. I needed to do it in a public format. I needed to admit it, in the open. Others saw what I did. They read my words. It was Already out there. I had already done things, said things, irreversible things...things I Needed to take responsibility for. I could have ignored it. Pretended it away. Ran from it even. But I would Still know the truth and the shame in my behaviour.

For me, the only way to purge those feelings is to Admit them, first and foremost, to Give credit to those I harmed, to Take responsibility for what I have done, to Apologize because I Know I was Wrong... and to hope I will be forgiven. You Know when someone Truly apologizes to you from their heart. Doing it public, it puts my heart on my sleeve, like I Hope it ALWAYS remains. I don't want to be a hard, mean person. It is beneath me. I am better than that.

The people I may have harmed didn't deserve that. They deserved an apology. A real apology. They deserved to read the words that I Got the Lesson, that I learned. When I say I will not do it again, I won't. I will Not attack anyone in that fashion Again. It wasn't very mature.

I am not attempting to flog myself. I am attempting to Teach myself, to Better myself. I represent the people I have lost. My life is not my own. It belongs as much to my grandfather, my grandmother, my father, my brother, all my kindreds, my brothers and sisters by choice, all the ones who have died, I owe it to them too, to live a Life they would Also be proud of. I believe This Life Counts. If it Is all we have, why do it fucked up and half assed IF YOU have the potential to do it Better? The best you could?

Part of Being the Best you can be is Also stepping back when you fuck up and saying, "Hey, everybody, I just fucked up." It isn't to shame myself. It is to be responsible for my actions, my reactions... they Count too. And having the wherewithall to Know this is warranted helps to make me a better, more refined version of myself.

This isn't who I am. Yesterday. That isn't me. Well, it is me, but it is part of me that needs to grow the fuck up. Get it In Check. Learn the Lesson. For me, this is how I live my life. It has evolved to this over a long period of years. It works for me. It keeps me... honest. It teaches me Not to run from my mistakes. It teaches me to Clean my hands once I soil them. I don't just slam the Door and ignore my mistakes. I take them on, head on, and I Deal with them.

That Is what an adult is Supposed to do. I Am an adult. No freebies. Especially for myself To myself. How else can I be authentic and Real, true with anyone else in my life If I cannot be Honest with myself, first and foremost?? I cannot allow myself free passes on bad behaviours. I Must educate myself as much as I take education from any other source. Too many people Allow themselves Free Passes in their lives. And what are their lives like? A freakin mess! Like a cat unravelled yarn all over their world and then just left it. It will take Yeaars to go back over that disaster in order to clean that life back up again.

So for me, Fix it now. Deal with it Now. There is no time in the future. We are Promised No future. You do it Today. You start Immediately. You don't wait. Then your Life stays in order. You make mistakes. You deal with them. You try to fix it. You can only do so much. All I can do is apologize. It is the Most I can give, but it means something. I meant it. I don't wait.

I guess... thats everything.

WOW...that is a lot!!! I do get your 'regret' and wanting to make amends. Most admirable! But, I believe that you are in a 'forever' uphill climb, if you are living your life, for your dead or alive 'people'...' each of whom had/have different ideas about who you were/are! I can't imagine one of them wanting you to life a life that would be to please them! (By the way, none of them would have been perfect, but according to your assessment they must have had integrity) They would want you to be yourself and learn from your mistakes and JUST become even more of who YOU are! That is major job in it's self, for each of us...no less, attempting to measure up to 'dead' people (or even the living)! ...I'm just saying!! If you can take it further...I applaud you!!

@Freedompath actually, i sort of tried to answer all the quesions on this tread, but in one response so as to not repeat myself with each individual response. hahaha! looks like that idea hasn't really works. suppose i will have to respond individually later tody. lol