I stayed a good 4 years too long, mostly because of debt and kids.

Out of curiosity, if you're living with someone and sharing your life, what does getting married take away from that? Is it a "don't jinx it" kind of thing? The reason I ask is I've never quite understood my wife's attitude toward marriage. We were together 8 years (and probably 7 years after I gave up talking marriage with her, as it was like talking to the hand) when she suddenly wanted to get married. And since we tied the knot, has had some second thoughts about it, etc.

Just trying to understand female perspectives on this and why the ambivalence. To my mind, marriage doesn't change much other than to make, as you suggest, certain benefits available, not that they're terribly compelling. But my point is that I didn't feel less married when we weren't married and I don't feel more married since we were married (hope that makes sense). It's just a piece of paper to me, but it's the symbolism that seems to be off-putting to some women and attractive to others. My wife I think feels trapped in some way by marriage that she's not by living together. Despite that after a few years, being married actually makes divorce more straightforward, not less. And either way, the emotional fallout is the same.

@mordant I'm sure every woman will have a different perspective but since you asked me, here's my 2 cents. I got married at 22 and divorced at 43 (last year). Our oldest was born 2 years after we got married and youngest 2 years later. I pretty much went to the wayside after the kids were born. Don't get me wrong, he's a really great dad and if anything was going to take his attention away from me, I'm happy it was the kids and not gambling, drugs, etc. BUT the marriage did eventually fail. I was lucky and our divorce was extremely amicable and only cost $377 since we filed jointly without attorneys.

Since I no longer plan on having any more children AND I had a 20+ year marriage, I see no reason to marry again. I'd definitely live with someone again but I just don't feel like I need a marriage certificate from the government to dictate that we're in a committed relationship.

Keep in mind I've only been divorced a year and might be a wee bit cynical as to whether men actually have feelings and are capable of love. If there is such a thing a soul mates/true love, AND I find that....I would consider getting married again. It's just easier to split if you don't have to go through the process of divorce.....not that I'm cynical, lol

@Marcie1974 Thanks. Makes perfect sense. I do see starting a family / having kids as the main argument for marriage anymore. That's why I wasn't insistent about it in my relationship; we were both basically empty nesters when we got together. But I'm a little old fashioned and so offered marriage as a "make you an honest woman" kind of thing if she wanted it. She wanted it on some level, didn't want it on some other level, so I let it go and had long since made peace with it. Then suddenly a couple of years ago, "let's get married". Totally confused me TBH. Sort of anti-climactic too.

You're right though, everyone's different. I think at bottom my wife's "thing" was just that she "owed" me that public level of commitment and felt some awkwardness or guilt around that. At the same time she's got the notion that marriage is a sort of entrapment and that presses various buttons that have nothing to do with me and aren't particularly rational.

We men do actually have feelings BTW, when we can manage to get in touch with them. Your story is a little ironic to me because so many men have expressed to me that their wives abandoned all romance to focus on their children, and often, after the children are out of the nest, try to circle back and rekindle long-dead embers in the relationship, to comic effect. You're kind of the flip side of that. At least your ex was / is an interested and engaged Dad!

Best of luck to you in your new life.

@mordant yes, I realize that we're the opposite of what most couples experience. The last 10 years were also pretty much sexless, not by my choice....also the opposite of most couples. Rationally I know men can have feeling and do know a few who are very sweet and loving towards their wives. After being low on the priority list for so long and feeling like I was just a uterus for him, it's difficult to not be cynical.

@KissedbySun Well yes and no. It's legally binding, but the responsibilities exist for me ethically with or without it. In any event, common law marriage and parental responsibilities work roughly the same way absent the contract. Although the perceived respectability and stability that goes with a contract has social and cultural value if you're going to have children / start a family.

All else it's good for is moderately more convenient mutual healthcare decision-making, provides some clarity and protection in property division, and a couple other things of that nature. And as you point out, it has nothing to do with love, which is either present or not, and isn't magically there because of the contract.

If the relationship fails then the emotional toll is exactly the same with or without a contract. I wouldn't have been less devastated for her to leave me if we weren't married. And in fact, paradoxically, the clarity of the contract actually makes it in some ways a little easier to end a relationship because it's less open to interpretation who gets what, etc. Not that most people realize that.

My divorce wasn't nasty at all, extremely amicable. I downloaded the paperwork from the state website and filled it out myself, we filed jointly. He looked it over, I told him to bring it to an attorney if he wanted to but he read through it and signed it. I brought it to the courthouse, paid $377 and 6 weeks later we had court and it was done (November 1, 2017).

I actually ran into him Friday night at the bar. We chatted for about a half hour about the kids, my parents (my mom was recently diagnosed with COPD) and his dad (he only has a few months to live). Our daughter graduates this year and we'll host her party together. He even went deer hunting with my dad and brother last year. When I told my parents we were getting divorced, my dad asked me to tell him that he'll always have a hunting spot with them. I was really happy my dad said that.

Depending upon the reason for divorce of course, it doesn't always have to be nasty.