Do we ever truly get over childhood hurts?
I have been reflecting on my reaction to Stuart, the retired attorney for whom I cooking three meals/day. Critical and fussy, he nit-picked my cooking. This was rich, coming from a man who never learned to cook.
I found myself watching Stuart’s facial expressions, to see if he liked what he was tasting.
When I stood up to him, Stuart argued. He even criticized our short hike, something I would never do.
“I’ve been on more beautiful hikes,” Stuart sniffed, when I asked how he liked hiking around Icicle Gorge.
Stuart’s criticism triggered old not good enough feelings that I got from my alcoholic father. Nothing I did was ever good enough for him. Dad criticized me relentlessly.
I spent my childhood trying to please my dad: get straight A's (check), win first place in the Michigan State Solo and Ensemble Competition (check), be first flute from junior high through senior high (check), ad nauseam. In my 30s, I had years of therapy to heal.
This is why I felt emotionally exhausted and deeply relieved when Stuart left.
Stuart called me “wonderful, kind, gracious, intelligent, beautiful and funny.” He asked me to give him another chance. I refused.
I'm glad I paid attention to my feelings.
Your thoughts?
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60 comments (51 - 60)
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.You never truly heal from childhood damage. However you can chose to react differently. I have worked on this for 34 years. Some days I am successful and some days I am not. You just have to keep trying. Another piece of the puzzle is to forgive the person who caused you damage. That truly allows you to not be angry or hurt. It’s just a fact of your life, without all the emotion and baggage. I wish you well on your journey.
LeslieV2
Level 5
Oct 17, 2018
1
Thank you for your wisdom and kindness.
Years ago, I forgave my father. Grudge-holding only hurts the person holding it.
Wow. I'm so sorry you got that from someone as pivotal as a parent. Undoubtedly Stuart's behavior triggered all kinds of painful feelings for you, and so glad you are recognizing and sorting those out. Stuart sounds like a real ass. You definitely deserve better.
Deb57
Level 8
Oct 17, 2018
1
Did you ever try Al-Anon or SMART recovery?
kmdskit3
Level 8
Oct 16, 2018
0
I tried Al-Anon, but the group leader let people bitch and moan the entire session. That was a turn off. I don't want to listen to people complain and play victim.
Instead, I had counseling with a wonderful therapist for three years.
@LiterateHiker It can take a few tries to find a good meeting. Glad you found a therapist you mesh with, I've found that's even harder.
At some point, you'd damn well better "get over" whatever messed up
shit happened in your childhood.
If you don't, you're life is going to be really fucked up, and you won't
have anyone to blame for that but yourself.
There IS a statute of limitations on parental war crimes.
Our parents were/are every bit as fucked up as we are.
They had shit, too. It's not an excuse, but it is an explanation.
You don't have to "forgive" anyone anything, but you do have to find a
way to let it go and live your life.
KKGator
Level 9
Oct 16, 2018
1
That was harsh.
@LiterateHiker That was a general "you". It wasn't directed at you specifically. It wasn't meant to be taken as a personal attack.
That said, I'm not going soft-pedal the truth. Life is harsh. Damned harsh.
If we can't figure out how to deal with whatever childhood traumas we may have experienced, they will forever haunt our adulthood.
This is where a little therapy can go a long way.
I'm not trying to dismiss or diminish what anyone else has gone through, but I don't want to hear someone constantly whining about how rough their childhood was, and use it as an excuse for not getting their act together as an adult.
There is no excuse for allowing your childhood ruin your adulthood.
That's on you (again, general you).
Thank you for explaining. I appreciate you.
@LiterateHiker
Harsh yes, but she's right. If you think about it it's kind of empowering in a way.
Although some patterns are hard to break unless becoming consciously aware of them& seeking professional help to overcome or maybe at best just manage them.
My late dh's family has a line running down the maternal side of passive aggression, and squishing their kids' feels. That foundation can go all sorts of wrong as adults , the inability to express oneself & repressing feelings that have to get out somehow results in all kinds of nasty things; drinking, drugs, various forms of escapism.
Really hard people to be married to. My father in law certainly didn't survive it.
I think it depends on how you define "get over". I don't think you can really negate them and become what you would have been without that suffering. But I think you can transcend them and integrate them in healthy ways. That is really the case with all suffering, childhood or not. Things I suffered, or lost, are in the past, and so just a fact of life. But I get to choose how or whether they define me.
mordant
Level 8
Oct 16, 2018
1
Change is good. I wouldn't want to get rid of my childhood hurts. They're mostly who I am and how I've lived most my adult life is because of them. You can't choose your cards your dealt for your choices you've made but you can play them the way you want.
scrunchy
Level 4
Oct 16, 2018
1
We carry those hurts with us always but we learn coping skills along the way. Sometimes they are effective (as in this particular case for you), sometimes not so much. It's a long journey with many twists and turns ?
SimonCyrene
Level 7
Oct 16, 2018
1
You can continue to adapt to life but aside from memory loss, your past is part of who you are.
FluffyBunny
Level 4
Oct 16, 2018
1
I don't know if you ever really get over a painful and difficult childhood.
sewchick57
Level 7
Oct 16, 2018
0
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