Dating married men?
As a religious person, I determined right and wrong based on a set of rules. Now that those rules are out the window, I don't reject any possibility without seriously considering it first. I say this because I feel the need to justify why I'm even considering doing something that I think most people would reject out of hand.
I met a man and we had our first date today. I like him a lot. He told me half way through the date that he's married and if I choose to continue seeing him his wife would never know about us. That's the only thing that would stop me from continuing to see him. He said there's no pressure, that whatever decision I make he will respect and that I can end it at any time.
I would really love open-minded thoughts about this. If his wife knew and was okay with it, the decision would be made already. It's just that one aspect that makes this questionable for me. What do you think is the right thing to do and why?
EDIT: I've decided against it. The risks are far greater than the benefits. Thank you all for your help. I'm glad I have a forum where I can ask this question and have an honest discussion about it.
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31 comments (26 - 31)
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Not a good idea,if you develop feelings for him,do you give an ultimatim,you or his wife? What if there are kids involved,then what?
Mike1947
Level 7
Oct 24, 2018
1
No. I don't give ultimatums.
Prejudice is a terrible thing...... None of this will matter 50 years from today. None.
IamNobody
Level 8
Oct 24, 2018
1
What's prejudiced about not wanting to lay down with a snake?
@BufftonBeotch I don't have to explain myself to you or anybody for that matter and I wish @Meili could see it herself. She doesn't need to ask and doesn't need (again) all this prejudice. I just wonder what gives you the moral ground to call a snake someone you don't even know? Based on the information that has been provided the guy told her where things are so she can take it or leave it. If he is going to use her then she can use him and both win. Everyone is so pure to tell her this is bad but none will be by her side when she will be all alone. @Meili, thosand times go for it and fail than listening to prejudice and wonder what it could have been forever.
@IamNobody
I really doubt she'll be "all alone" if she sends this clown back down the road he pranced up.
@BufftonBeotch My point is, that's for her to make that choice. They are both adults.
@IamNobody Thanks for your open-mindedness.
I did need to ask, not because I want someone to tell me what to do, but because I was raised in such a narrow-minded environment that I don't feel I have enough understanding to make this decision. I have made incredibly foolish decisions on my own and have learned to reach out to people for help. I knew that there would be people who shut down the idea but I also expected that there would be responses by those who had some experience and could give me good, solid information. At the very least, I knew there would be insights outside of, "do this and you'll go to hell."
Discussing this has raised so many ideas that I hadn't considered. At some point in the next day or two after I feel like I've heard all I need to, I will sit down with my notebook and pen and hash all this out on paper. I'll ask myself the questions raised here and I will make the decision one way or another for myself. I'll own that decision. When the consequences of this choice play out, I will know there is no one to blame or give credit to but myself.
@Meili Oky doky, whatever you decide, I've just like to wish you the best of luck going forward.
No one can really make this decision for you, you have to weigh out the benefits and the downfalls . What do you think you're going to get out of this relationship? He has his wife ,his home ,his kids ,his security and someone there for him. It's likely
she will always come first. You on the other hand are going to be the woman who saves him from the drudgery of married life. You will probably always be expected to be happy and horny and thrilled to see him. You will more than likely have to work around his schedule only because he is hiding you. when you need someone do you think he'll be there for you? If something should happen to you do you think he would be there to take care of you? When you need someone to talk to do you think he's going to make time for you? On your birthday or other special event for you do you think he'll be able to get away from his wife and spend it with you? I would think hard and long because if you were his wife what would you be thinking of another woman trying to move in between the two of you? Would you want to be cheated on by your husband? Good luck with whatever decision you make.
Kojaksmom
Level 8
Oct 24, 2018
1
Thank you for the thought-provoking questions.
What I think I would get out of it is sex and occasional companionship with no strings attached. That's what I want. I wouldn't want to come between him and his wife and would expect the relationship to end eventually with him staying with his wife. I would expect her to come first over me.
I'm open to the possibility that I'm wrong about how it would play out. Maybe there would be strings attached that I can't anticipate.
@Meili well if all you want is sex with no strings attached this might just work out. But you're right about not knowing how you're going to feel until you actually experience it for yourself. Just be careful, because usually these scenarios don't work out. If you ask me I think you're worth a lot more then what you're settling for.
@Meili There are plenty of men that will give you sex with no strings attached. Do you really want a man that is not honest and will likely devistate his wife and family? Are you ok being a part of that pain to others. A clandestine relationship with a cheater says a lot about ones integrity.
@Meili Just a thought. He is keeping his lovers a secret from his wife, and maybe he loves the thrill of it. It would be a natural thing to fantasize about your lover when you are with you SO. Especially if the sex is fantastic. I can't imagine that he wouldn't also do that when he is with his wife, and that would take some attention away from his family. Could that be considered coming between him and his wife?
@Kojaksmom @Wildflower Good thoughts. A couple of weeks ago I wouldn't have considered sex with no strings attached. Now the possibility has fallen in my lap I find that I do very much want that. I wouldn't have gone out looking for it. But now that I'm open to the possibility, maybe it would be better to go about it a different way. There are websites for that.
@Meili that is true and the decision is yours. Either way, always use condoms when entering into Uncharted Territory( if you know what I'm talking about) always protect your health and well-being above anyone else's no exceptions.
I know you decided against it but I want to offer my own thoughts on this.
Rejecting religion does not mean rejecting the idea of rules or right and wrong. It just means you decide what is right or wrong based on how the decision affects you and other people.
I would not be in a relationship with someone married, especially if their spouse did not know about it because it would mean hurting someone else. Adultery isn't wrong because "god," it's wrong because it hurts people. I value honesty and emotional availability and a cheating spouse would not be able to give that to me. If they are willing to lie to their spouse then they would probably lie to me.
Also, if the person in question is in a bad relationship with their spouse, being in a relationship with them only enables them to stay in an emotionally unhealthy situation and that's not good for anyone. Even in the event they are not in a bad relationship, you would still be enabling them to hurt their spouse. That's not the kind of emotional baggage I want to have for the rest of my life.
I am also not thrilled about the idea of single people being pulled into the problems of married people. I have had friends and acquaintances who carried on with married boyfriends and it never ended well for them. One friend in particular had a volatile relationship with a married man but stayed with him because she was deeply emotionally attached to him and truly believed they would be together in the end. It ended in a blow up too lengthy and ugly to describe here and she had to get professional help afterwards. Some might argue that she had issues before she dated a married man, but that diminishes how damaging those kind of relationships can be. Even if my friend already had emotionally issues, the relationship greatly contributed to her psychological decline and she had to spend money her own money to fix what he played a role in breaking.
Then there is the possibility of facing the wrath of the spouse that's been cheated on. Aside from the possibility of being stalked, attacked, or having your property destroyed, do you really want to get pulled into the legal complications of someone else's divorce and custody fights? Yikes. No thanks!
unconvinced
Level 2
Oct 30, 2018
0
Thanks. Those were some really good thoughts.
Esther Perel has some great insight about these issues: "The State of Affairs" is a very important, and interesting book. The concept of total commitment to a marriage is a very recent concept. And it is not working.
We all need romance, and mutual non-sex relationships, and sexual encounters, regularly. And that often requires strangers becoming new friends.
But, all-in for only one other human being for decades will create significant brain deformation, and consequently, regret, disappointment, and despair, of all the could-have-beens.
Perel explores the FACT that many many happily married people engage in fun with others. The marriage is great. But, it is not possible for that one person to satisfy all human needs.
One of my very close friends is a woman i met in '92. No sex. Just great conversation. My wife is not interested in talking about the topics Tricia and I explore. Is that "cheating?" No, that is being human.
I am sad for all the women who have wasted their lives taking care of those who she loves but whom cannot provide her with what they are missing because of their dedication to responsibilities.
An introduction to her thoughts:
JacarC
Level 8
Oct 25, 2018
0
Thanks for posting that. I've seen it once before. It's really good.
I was just thinking today about how so many people have said that it's wrong to have an affair and yet it's so common. Have all those who say it's wrong really been completely faithful to their partners? I doubt it. Maybe we all just need to be more honest with each other.
@Meili >>> it is sad to be sure many of those spouting their moral crap are really yearning to be,...
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