Selflessness
Share your concept of "selflessness" in a romantic/intimate relationship.
1
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.OK, I'll step up to the plate and take a swing.
When I love unconditionally, that is selfless. The proof of that comes actually after the relationship is over, that I still care and want the best for my beloved, even though we are not together and I won't see any benefit to it in myself.
When you are in a relationship, you might want to do something nice for your partner, but it's hard to separate out that you are also desiring positive reactions from them. Security, affection, sex, taking care of a need, they are all constantly in play and so hard to separate out from, let's call it, agape' love. But when it is over, and those are no longer possibilities, what remains is part of what was already there, and that is the selfless love that existed anyway, just lost amidst the other more transactional aspects of the relationship.
Kenoaks
Level 6
Feb 24, 2020
1
Playing in a parallel park on this subject . . .
I believe that exhibiting unconditional love is a key component of selflessness in an intimate relationship. While remaining aware of the human factor, I accept that unconditional love is elusive. That said, it is realistic to accept that selfless acts (undertaken by two people in love, who both highly value their relationship) are periodic in nature, and therefore intertwined in the relationship, but should not be expected constantly. Also, for me, developing an awareness of the concept of selflessness and a continuous desire for happiness for those in my past while pursuing my own happiness has been an exercise in compassion.
This thought about the concept of selflessness in intimate relationships appeals to me: In theory, the last portion of coconut milk would spoil in a dwelling where two tea drinkers (one morning tea drinker; one evening tea drinker) both enjoy coconut milk in their morning tea and evening tea, respectively (hypothetically, of course; communication and other factors have been excluded).
"If you were selfless, it would have to mean that you derive no personal pleasure or happiness from the company and the existence of the person you love, and that you are motivated only by self-sacrificial pity for that person's need of you. I don't have to point out to you that no one would be flattered by, nor would accept, a concept of that kind." Ayn Rand
Someone you love in a romantic relationship should be one of your highest values. An example of an act of selflessness in a romantic relationship would be to give money you were saving for your partner's gift over to a worthless beggar.
sfvpool
Level 7
Nov 25, 2018
0
This is a dangerous topic for me. I was in a toxic marriage where I was expected/required to be completely selfless - that is to sacrifice my needs and feelings 100% of the time. That even a compromise where we could both get something we wanted was not adequate because he didn’t feel loved if I got anything I needed ever.
I have literally no idea how to balance selflessness with getting my own needs met.
A2Jennifer
Level 8
Nov 25, 2018
0
That might have been legally a marriage, but it doesn't even sound like a relationship. Your partner might have better been involved with someone like Ayn Rand (above) who has no idea about human connection. In relationship, I want to give to my partner, I feel inspired to. Their joy lights up my life. That's how it is supposed to be.
@Kenoaks it was a very bad situation for me. Over time he convinced me that I should be willing to be UNhappy in order to be with him and make him happy.
@A2Jennifer How did he convince himself that, and then you? I hope you have a better conception of what a healthy relationship looks like. Not like there is one right answer to that, but where you two were was a bad side road. Better times await!
@Kenoaks he was (is, I assume) a toxic narcissist and a master manipulator. He saw me as existing only to meet his needs. And any time I asked for anything I needed, he told me that I was mean and selfish and terrible and that I didn’t love him enough.
I’m not sure what a healthy relationship looks like but I definitely know what a BAD one looks like now!
@A2Jennifer The roadmap for healthy relationships....hmmmm... Not Hollywood, or romance novels, maybe some self help books. There is a book I learned a lot from: Riding the Dragon: The Power of Committed Relationships by Rhea Powers and Gawain Bantle. My mom and my stepdad had a very good, but not perfect relationship over many years. And both of my marriages had aspects of great relationships, and also some other aspects.
We learn and grow. Finding a partner that is a basically happy person at peace with themselves is a good start. People who are miserable and feel that the universe is a place full of danger tend to act out in fear and will do anything to protect themselves from threats real or imagined. That can and does include a lover or spouse. There is something seductive about wanting to save a person who is in pain, especially if they are very attractive and charismatic, but now I know better; and I imagine you do too.
The thing about selflessness is that love given freely just flows, I just delight in seeing my partner happy, or sexually satisfied, or feeling safe and secure. If I am OK I don't need anything back; there is no accounting. But if I am in relationship, my partner is feeling that way too, so there doesn't need to be on either side, love just flows along with kindnesses.
Enjoy being online again!
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