That is a tough one. I'm sort of torn on this one, even tho I've never wanted kids or been a parent, because of the experience of a longtime friend with something like this. My friend is a social worker who adopted a kid as a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome when she was single, from a mom that was an addict. My friend knew what she was in for as she was first a foster mom for the boy before adopting him. She soonafter met a divorced guy that was a single parent with kids that were already about out of the nest. They got married after dating a year or so. She is atheist and he is Catholic. This poor boy has been mentally screwed his whole life from the fetal alcohol stuff, resulting in ADHD and also behavioral problems since he was very young. Tons of meds, therapy, shrinks, etc.

He has had a bunch of school suspensions, fights with other kids, done internet stalking and harassment of other kids. His parents have tried everything they can and are hoping that a program called Job Corps., that they have enrolled him in, will eventually take him so he will have a place to live and a way to get employed once he turns 18, less than a year away. Because when he does, they are going to evict him from their home. He is abusive to them, verbally and sometimes physically as well as destructive to property. My point is that sometimes parents can do everything right, but the kid is too screwed up and they have no real choice but to either save themselves or let the kid destroy their life. And after age 18, he is not their responsibility anymore anyway legally.

Tough one. You did what you could. Unfortunately, good intentions do not overcome reality. I too feel sorry for the boy.

Wow... First off I would point out that she isn't being a good christian if she is trying to return the boy. Instead she should keep him and pray to god he changes. Isn't that what she is supposed to do?

My old inlaws adopted a kid who was around that age... From the States though. But his mother was a druggie and he was raised in a little hell hole. He was malnourished and had a mean temperment. He would hoard food and hide it throughout the house. He scared them several times walking around the house with a kitchen knife... That sort of thing. It took tens of thousands of dollars of therapy for them to be right and the kid to even start to improve.

Been divorced for 3 years now and I haven't read where he has killed anyone... yet.

When I saw your post, this was the first thing that came to mind. Her "orphaned" child may not be an orphan. If there is any way to do it, I would do some research to see if that child is actually an orphan and not a child that was trafficked.

[theatlantic.com]

"Inasmuch as you have done it to the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me." That is supposedly what Jesus will say when he takes people to heaven; he is rewarding them for visiting the sick and those in prison, caring for others, etc. Put it to your sister that what she is doing to the young man who IS her SON, is that she is trying to discard him now that the going has gotten rough. Would Jesus do that? Would he give away one of the "sheep" that he as the shepherd cares for? Of course not! Neither should she or her husband try to discard this young man. At least try to find him help, a group home, a boarding school, a foster family. Ask her to think about "WWJD" -- what would Jesus do? And tell her to search her heart and think about whether it is Satan that is leading her to this callous, unfeeling choice.

Also: how much 9f her fear may be due to the fact that many of images we see in the media of young black men portray them as dangerous? I don't want to overlook a real danger, but I just wonder how much of her fear is based on reality and how much on perception?

(Sorry for all the church-speak; 9 years in parochial school and more years of church time after that has given me the ability to speak the lingo, more or less. You can tell her that you talked her situation over with a friend from another congregation and this is what the friend said. She doesn't need to know that the congregation is agnostic.com and that you've never met me in your life.)

I think it would be important to talk to her about the promise she made to him when she adopted him. And in her world, she made a promise to god.

To homeschool her own kids and send him to public already treated him like an outsider from the get go.

The poor child must be miserable from being passed around. And then to be forced leave his own country and region that speaks his language must be awful.

Maybe he can return to Ethiopia. But who knows what life he’d have there outside the protection of the orphanage.

Missionaries walk away from the messes they create. But when they bring people here and expect them to adapt without the same opportunities as others, e.g. not being homeschooled like the rest of the family, then give up on them, it’s messed up.

The kid deserves better but they took him in. What kind of fucking parents are they? Sorry, I know they are family. And you were right, he is not a puppy, but I get pissed when people unprepared take in a puppy. Are they dumping their own kids? Is that the "xtion" way to act? And does being in f'ing Idaho, the white supremest capital of the US, have anything to do with their decision? I volunteer to copy and send any advice you get here to them. If I think of a real solution I'll get back. Letting the kid go, though, seems cruel.