I’m in pursuit of inner peace, I’m perceived as calm and relaxed but I have inner turmoil.. I don’t see it as a problem since I’ve come to realize that’s most of us.. I have not done enough meditation lately and feeling the difference so I will start again... nothing is wrong but I have a very full plate, I take care of everyone except myself until if I don’t I won’t be able to take care of others. I don’t meditate because I’m enlightened or have the world figured out, I do it because I just want to handle everything comming at me with a calm presence and not feel overwhelmed, sometimes I can and sometimes I drink way to much coffee and I can’t real my day back in. I’m honest, I’ve had the same customers for many years because I say it like it is even if that means no sale today, I try and teach good ethics to my kids and I’m deeply disturbed by current politics and run a bunch of twitter pages to encourage voting and do my part to get the country back. I write to congressman, make calls and protest any legal way I can, it gives me more reason to meditate. I’m vegan because I have a severe migraine problem and being vegan helps, I’m an outspoken atheist when I’m not at work but I do it with kindness. I’m a musician and I don’t know how anything in my life would be possible if I didn’t play at least a little everyday. I was not a natural musician, as a kid from age 4 to 7 it was the 5th teacher that got me past jingle bells... I will always be grateful for what I have. It might not look like much but it is great kids, a job, roof and food.

This is tough for me because my view of myself sometimes differs from the way people actually see me. Part of it is because I've changed/grown a lot over the last ten years, but peoples perceptions of me haven't. They see the old me. The other part of that is in primarily social settings, I'm uncomfortable (If I'm on my own) and I think the demeanor I present (trying to look comfortable when I am not) comes across as possibly aloof.

So this is how I see me... Honest first and foremost. I attempt to be my true self at all times, which includes being a strong woman, passionate, sometimes hard headed and stubborn with a good sense of humor (silly, goofy with a childlike playfulness). Kind, understanding and helpful. Like most kind people I have been taken advantage of. That rarely happens anymore because I have learned to set boundaries. I'm extremely trusting (almost naive) which has caused me hurt on a number of occasions. I am trying to be more cautious. I can be bossy. I overthink too much. Hello, my name is BeeHappy and I am a procrastinator... it's the only thing I regret because I don't know how to fix it. I love to swear. It has increased as I have aged and have fewer inhibitions. I have mastered relaxing, after close to 45 years as a work-a-holic. I now know how to kick back, sometimes all day long. LOL Mostly I have learned not to sweat the small stuff. I strongly dislike arrogance, ingratitude, greed, injustice, and bullies! These are my buttons. If you want to see me lose it... push one of these.

the number one discrepancy in being me would have to be my age. it doesn't bother me in real life, on the contrary, people more often than not guess me between 10 & 15 years younger than it says on my birth certificate. i really like it, but ... on an online forum the typed number, not the physical appearance prevails, so i modified the former

secondly there is an awkwardness to me, a weird blend of timidity & curtness, both grown in childhood out of the notion that i'm not worthy or interesting. only the brave - & very sensitive who see my weirdness for what it is: an (unnecessary) shield - dare approaching me. i am exaggerating here; advancing age - or probably rather hard & focussed work - made for mellowing down.

physically there're lots of bits & pieces i'd like to optimise or make disappear: a spell of lymphoma with total thyroidectomy 2 years ago; a neuroma that makes it very painful to keep enjoying two of my fave activities, dancing & hiking (on waiting list for surgery); increasing difficulty to keep in shape (little belly flab, dimpled thighs); grey hair that i dye blond; a hypertrophic scar between my boobs; nosehair .... hahaha!

you see the reason it took me 9 days to comment here

I think the biggest warty bit is my Dissociative Identity Disorder. I thnk I have a kindliness in me I am not often sharp with people, have a soft probably little girl voice even though I am soon to be seventy. I was a baby boomer - I am a life long Anarchist though not a violent one - In my youth I was a campaigner for C.N.D and went on the first march from London to Aldermaston at 14 yrs old. I was a Saturday girl in a posh shop in Regents street for Horsey elderly women and loved Biba and Mary Quant - I worked full time in laboratories - flour, cheese - beer and cosmetics . I have travelled to Spain France Belgium America Greece Germany China and speak a very little of each language - America frightened me witless it was too big- everything in the U.S was too big. My name is French and I am descended from Huguenots way way back. Was born in South East London of true Cockney family (I am the only one in hteh family not born within the sound of Bow Bells. I have two children a daughter just turnin fifty and a son who is 49.Divorced once separated amicably second time now in long term relationship with Irish man 25+ yrs . I get terribly upset with the state of the world at present and find my society quite hard to cope with - Everything seems so unkind - Donald Trump - Theresa May...... words fail me - people dying from sleeping out in the cold the grenfell tower block fire where nothing seems to be done or not enough - homeless people . I find my government -disgusting and just wrong.

I try to be as honest as possible in my dating profiles but unfortunately that option is 100% out of the question. You can see my profile if you click it.

I used to have at one point a profile in a much more negative manner, saying how I had zero self esteem. That's the truth, and having no self-esteem is one of the worst possible traits as seen by women, in men. Unfortunately women care more about what a man has to offer her, rather than trying to be compassionate towards men. No will to offer any emotional support towards men, zero effort to understand us. Dating sites are 99% men 1% women, we have a really good reason to feel bad when we go on days, months, years, a lifetime with barely one or two compliments, whereas women get compliments from dozens of men on a daily basis up to the point where you see them complaining in their profiles how ''don't tell me I'm beautiful, I know... tell me a joke, tell me something interesting!''. Jeez, how self-absorbed can you get? I think dating sites have made some women arrogant.

Anyway you get the point... how about you get a better perspective. Google ''women low self esteem'' then ''men low self esteem''... you will quickly understand what I mean.

How many before it sounds like I'm bragging?

I'm socialy ignorant in some ways, possibly autism spectrum, so geek and computer nerd. Disabled, mostly too fat now, but started after back surgury. Changed my lifestyle, loosing weight. Doing well and will come back. Trying to understand social interaction better.

The field is like an aquarium; it has more than 2 dimensions.

Unacceptable btw. Well that's lovely, this new text editor part of the comments already messed up me using an asterisk to indicate when I correct spelling or fix grammar. If I hit shift 8 or the key next to 0 (for a dash), it selects italics, which makes no sense...I'm gonna guess the admin is updating/editing the site live or something. Hey @admin, how do I go a line down, for a new "paragraph"? That's been bothering me ever since I got on this site! Oh but good job on making italics and bold etc a thing, definitely nice - idk what the weird bolded, large-type hashtag things are for, but I'm sure people must need that so...-thumbs up-
Anyways...man, now I gotta go do something. I'll come back and edit this to give you a proper comment, though (:

I’m not quite sure what I am. I think I’m nice and clean up okay. I’m somewhat intelligent but deal with short term memory loss which is a birch when you start a new job. I’ve never really “fit in” anywhere. I’ve been single since 2003. I’ve had a handful of dates but nothing special. So here I am contemplating this question. Thanks for making the rusty wheel between my ears work!

Fat, more chronic illnesses than health, don't trust anyone. Most times I think I'm more trouble than I'm worth.

I do have big boobs though

Alas, I've never met my real self. We stare at each other in the mirror from time to time, but we've never worked up the nerve to talk to each other.

I am an asexual annoying person with vast mental problems stemming from trauma abuse and mercury poisoning. I have physical disability and two rare disorders that cause problems.

I live in my parents basement because of my medical issues physically and economically, but am not freeloading. I work hard, am immensely stubborn, and fight a lot.

I'm childish in my passions and have a clinical obsession with Tom hiddleston. I'm don't have likes and dislikes I have love and hate, little middle ground.

I'm punny, witty, honest, a liar, sarcastic, bitchy, too empathetic, selfish, scared of the weirdest things, erratic, eccentric, beautiful, and strange.

highly sexed wanker, outspoken and realistic. i have a sarcastic sense of humour and probably am too nice. i like my own eccentric(real) company which is lucky. love nature and art. i have an all or nothing kind of attitude or adictive nature and i question everything that doesnt make sense to me.

Ok ok. I will play. I'm a loner, messy, bad eating habits, lazy but exercise in replacement of healthcare and diet, only really care about my kids, use sarcasm as a self defense mechanism, pee in the shower...Now I feel compelled to say a few good things about myself. I keep my word, I am non-judgemental, I'm kind and a good listener.

I am a free spirit-you can't control me. I will rebel.

In private I'm a sloppy dresser I wear sweatpants and oversized T-shirts, but I'm a neat freak when it comes to my surroundings. I make huge messes and then clean everything to perfection. I'm terrible when it comes to saving money, when I have it I spend it. I spend it just as much on myself as I do on others. I never loan anyone money I either gift it to them, or I don't, but if I have it, I will more than likely gift it. I don't like conflict, and when it happens, I stop or withdrawal. I never get mad enough to yell at someone, and I wouldn't even know how it's just not who I am. I can't hold a grudge, and I can't stay mad for more than a few minutes. The one good thing that can lead to bad things is honesty. Everyone lie, including me, but when someone lies to me, I get incredibly hurt, but I don't hold myself to that same standard. I live my life wanting to please other people, and I put others needs ahead of my own too often which tends to lead to resentment from myself towards others and them towards me. I have a difficult time planning for the future, and if I have something I haven't used in a while, I throw it away. Unfortunately, I rebuy things often because of that.