I finally put my family and all my childhood friends in my past. I blocked them all except my mother whom I love but tolerate, as she no longer preaches at me. The rest of them are raging lunatics.

Just a suggestion, I kep asking myself during all those years I was examining the religion to see if it were true, "why am I so afraid". I kept staring into the eyes of people, people everywhere and the supposed "going to hell" people and wondering why a god could possibly think eternal torture was "just". I could find no person whose eyes I saw worthy of such a horrific thing.

ALL the people who excused themselves from this torment were FAULTY and in a more heinous way than the supposed gay, women in pants, and secularists.

Just as you I began to realize it was a prison in my mind. I knew then that I was holding the key. It did help that over 10 years of trying to prove the bible I ended up only knowing that it was a complete fabrication 80 to 300 years after supposed events of jezeus.

They performed mind torture on you, and the fear that still haunts you is PTSD.

Listen to this priest say hell isn't real.

A dread of "what might happen after death." It comes form childhood indoctrination and repeated reinforcing during your active religious years. How would anyone know what happens after death? They simply make it up. If you die there is no way to know anything else. There is no electric power at the light bulb once the switch is turned off.
Fear of death is the greatest motivator for religions. You must get over this in order to get on with a healthy life. This takes some people a longer time than others. I do not remember what was before I was born. I'm also not likely to "know" anything after death. Once this is fully understood you can go on about living your life without fear. Good luck.

Hey man, so sorry you have to hide who you are. It is great to know and understand yourself, such a pity you can't be you openly.

I'm currently living in the Austin area. While this part of Texas is a bit more liberal, there are still bible thumpers absolutely everywhere and the open-minded are few and far between. Next month I'm doing something that is perhaps foolish, but I'm packing up my belongings and moving to Oregon. I'll be going on whatever money I have saved up from working two jobs, which is surprisingly not that much after other bills.

Your situation in life doesn't change until you do, whether it's finally tiring of other people's judgment or hiding who you are in the fear of being ostracized. I once feared death, but now my fear of wasting the years I potentially have ahead of me is far greater. Do you want to be at the end, wishing for all that time back and dreading the unknown or do you want to go out as someone who lived for themselves as fully as possible?

Dude, move to Britain, Liverpool would be a great place for you, open, non-religous, fantastic gay scene, lovely friendly people. I'm not sure who said it but free your mind and the rest will follow. Fighting your nature is never healthy, rather than wallow in circumstances that harm you physically and mentally, grab your sister, get a visa and come and work over here for a year, clear your head, meet accepting people and enjoy the scene. Nothing stops you but fear itself, you're a big lad, grab life by the balls

I'd suggest some counseling help regarding death (after death) issues. Sounds like you have some anxiety surrounding that and talk therapy can only help. It sounds like you live in an area where you don't have a lot of social support or a big social circle to rely on for emotional support, and that can be tough. Also no family support, aside from your sister, can be tough. The more support systems you have when you're working through tough, anxiety-causing issues, the more balanced your emotions are. Talk therapy can help with that. I've found help through community counseling centers. Most are staffed by people who are in the process of getting their Marriage & Family Therapy (MFT) license and/or masters in psychology or other therapeutic practices. For that reason, many community counseling centers are able to offer sliding-scale fees, meaning you pay what you can afford to pay to the counselor you see. The first few years I went, I paid my counselor between $15 to $20 per hour, and saw her once a week. That was what I could afford at the time and it worked for me. The first counselor I saw at the community counseling center wasn't a good fit for me, but you're usually allowed to request someone else, which I did, and eventually found a counselor I felt more comfortable working with. She helped me through a lot of issues. You might find it works for you, too.

I think that no matter who you are what you're life consists of and whether you're gay, straight, fat, thin, tall, short, have fins or are a complete and utter asshole you deserve to live how you want the way you want with whosoever you wish to. Without fear of being judge, ostrisized, belittled or attacked either physically, mentally or spiritually for the way you are. It's why we are all here on this site so we can voice what we wish to say without external judgement. So I say hi how's u and welcome. Oh and live long and prosper.

It sounds like you are feeling very alone, just now. Since you can do very little about what most of your family and society believes...bring your focus back to your inner nature. Are you equalling up to your own expectations? If not, what do you need to do, that keeps you connected to your evolving 'self?' I do have some experience with gay people and you do have a specific challege! But, you have every right to be on this earth and the sooner you claim that on a psychic level, the better you will manage your own life! Some of my own children, are on the 'other side' (GOP, evangelicals). And, I have to tell you, it hurts...A LOT! But, even my own children, do not belong to me...they belong to life! I believe that I need to be kind, respectful and tolerate (and sometimes keep a distance, too), for their choices. So, I will work for my own better good and happiness...no matter what my family and society is doing! I have some influence in that area. On the death issue...it has been my experience, when you loose the fear of living, the fear of dying takes care of itself!

Damn, I cannot imagine how isolated you must feel. Sending you virtual hugs. Glad you feel a sense of community here. I wish you the best.

Have you considered moving?

Why would you be A-theist about god(s) but believe in Lucifer?

You have friends here. Welcome and feel safe.