Thanks for all of your responses. I have been seeing councelors/therapists/psycholgists for going on almost half of my life now. Most of the time they help me get over the really tough times. I hope for all of you to also find comfort in the company you find here.

I had an abusive childhood, and along with my two siblings, were raised by alcoholics. Rarely a day went by without one of us, or usually, all of us getting a beating. I can absolutely relate to your feelings. I have learned to be a survivalist and though I would have progressed much faster with a therapist, I have put the past behind me where it belongs. My sister could not let go of the past, and she blamed everything that happened to her on our parents and she, too, drank herself to death a few years ago. She drank to escape her demons, which made her even more depressed and when you get so far down, it's a long way back up and some people don't make it. I hope you'll consider getting help because life IS worth living, there is a lot of bad, but also a lot of good. When I think about my childhood, I always think about the people who had it much worse. At least I didn't endure sexual abuse. My parents died years ago, and I rarely think about them. They certainly don't deserve any credit for making me the person I am today, and I really like myself!

I've been through one hellish life myself. I'm through it, it's better. I'm not just surviving anymore. I'm down to minimal friends, but it is more from my choice than anyone else's I can't deal with mean, fake, and people who live in apathy.

My path to being unhappy and less lonely. I dove into finding completely me. I try everything I want to try, I make clear boundaries around me, and EXPLORE what brings me joy. I know what does now.

Im sorry for what life dealt out to you and it must be really hard not to feel like you belong.