Perhpas living at a bit of a distance , would make things easier . Then you visit home .
You could live your life in reality , and only need ot pretend when you visit home .

Sounds like you need to find a job that doesn't make you lie to keep it - and go from there?

That's terrible, but at some point you need to worry ahout/take care of yourself. Personally I wouldn't want anything to do with anyone who would treat me like that for not believing in magic/god. Hopefully you can be yourself publicly and leave some of that burden behind at least by the time your kids are 18. I wonder what your kids would think. Such a complicated situation you are in... Maybe encourage them to study in school and take science classes that will plant seeds of doubt in the meantime so they don't end up in a bad marriage like you are when older?

I'm a truly horrible person. If my mom had said something like that to me, my reaction would have been to say, "Do what you have to do" then walk away.

Wow, what a hard thing to do. It's shame that religion relies so much on fear, ignorance and guilt. Not much to offer but willing to be a listener.

Threat of suicide is manipulation. People rarely commit suicide unless they have significant depression and suicidal ideation.

I do understand that you have a lot invested in your life and that is worth something.

Personally, I just can't manage the "faking it" part that well.

Wishing you well, whatever happens.

If you think it's the best thing for you, do what you feel is best. You don't exactly get a cookie for coming out. I did come out, and it didn't go well (with the exception of my sisters, one of which is pagan and the other an undeclared atheist). I wasn't disowned or anything, but then, my family isn't Mormon, so I really don't know your situation well. But I do hope everything goes well for you, should that day come when you come out.

Not personally but know someone in your situation. Understandingthe cost of "coming out" ....I think its a. Personal. Decision. Some. On outside don't understand culture and. Understand. Consequence. But it. Is. Those still in and who embracing. Authority and. Belief are in prison. But their loyalty affects others as. You well know. Do u have outside support

Look. How you choose to deal with family is a very personal choice. The millions of factors that come into play can't be covered in a single post.

However, I think you are doing a disservice to yourself. You're spending your life with someone that can never accept you. You're missing out on the possibility you could find someone to love you as you truly are. And great friends are like family, in my world. You're missing that kind of love and acceptance.

Good luck to you, and I hope you find peace.

Few words: The only person you must please is yourself.

BTW, "I will kill; myself" is the mothers' most common tool to induce guilt....regardless of their beliefs.

Oh my. It's crazy the way guilt is used in religion to manipulate people and how our families use it because they think their religion is the only way to live that is acceptable by god. My husband and I have faded from JW's. We did not leave officially because our families will shun us if we do. We did stop practicing and are just considered inactive, which is what we want them to think anyway. They don't know we are agnostic and don't believe anymore. If they knew, they would call us apostates and we would be considered a danger to their spirituality. But our families still communicate with us even though we stopped participating. Still, it is not the same as it used to be.

I'm sorry you cannot be honest with your wife. That must be so difficult. I hope you can find a way to keep your sanity and still have a way to communicate with your family. It really is emotional abuse to have to go through all this.

There is a Reddit site where there are many mormons struggling with leaving.. Here's the link if you ever want to check it out if you haven't already. My husband is on Reddit all the time, r/exjw, and frequently looks at subreddits of other former believers.
[reddit.com]

Thanks for sharing your story! I think it’s most important that you’re honest with yourself. I really despise the excommunication practices of some religions. It’s so sad and so destructive.

I was raised Roman Catholic. So it was nothing like yours when I told everyone I was an atheist. To my surprise, no one gave a shit.

I am so sorry you feel so trapped. That's a really lousy way to choose to live.
And yes, it is a "choice".

Atheists need a book. Not a book of stories or "facts" but a book of questions we can put to our loved ones who we need to free from their particular religion. Just questions, in the right order to gently open their eyes. Ask the right questions and the truth cannot be un seen.