World ends and everybody are infront of the pearly gates, greeted by St. Peter and Mother Teresa, long que then Mother Teresa ask initial question to help St. Peter to decide Hell or Heaven to be, then comes to few nuns turn to be questioned. Mother Teresa asks to first nun “ anything To confess sister?” Nun says “yes, we had a male gardener in our convent and I touched his willy few times with my hands” Mother Teresa says “it is ok sister not to worry” and asks “can you see that holly water stand over there like a birds bath, size of a small salad bowl?” “Yes” says sister. Mother Teresa says” OK, go there and wash your hands in that holly water and you can go to Heaven after that” as soon as Mother Teresa finishes her sentence two nuns at the back of the que starts fighting, punching, kicking and all really bad. Mother Tersa shouts” sisters! sisters! what is the matter with you two?”One of the fighting nun stops and turns to Mother Teresa and says” We heard what you said to our sister so now I want to wash my mouth before this bitch can wash her arse in that holly water” ?

Mine are just strings of bad puns. "When it comes to being a martyr he really nailed it!" "Oh I bet if he heard that he'd be cross with me!" and so forth.

Though the most sacreligious thing I've said wasn't so much a joke as it was an observation .it was not well received. I was told I'd be stuck by lightning. Was talking to my mom and came to following conclusion:

Jesus had a ton of followers.He had magic powers. His celebration involves drinking blood. He came back from the dead. Someone stabbed him with something called the Holy Lance.

Holy shit he's a vampire.

When I was a teen: "Do you know why Jesus could walk on water? Because shit floats."
My raucus buddies loved it!

Not so much sacrilegious but a “good?” Catholic Church “story?”

This was a popular “tale” that arose shortly after the first news of numerous Catholic Priests sexually abusing children hit the main-stream media. I do not know the original author’s name.

The Story:

One day Father Murphy while manning the confession booth suffered a sudden onset of severe gastrointestinal discomfort and was mandated to quickly retreat to the toilet facilities. The church had an unusually long line of those wishing to have their sins absolved by their local god representative and Father Murphy was painfully aware that his worsening condition could developing into a long, drawn-out ordeal. As Father Murphy had a social engagement that evening and didn’t wish to be tethered to his confessional booth, as he snuck out the back of his booth he noticed a local elder named Joe. “Joe,” whispered Father Murphy. “Oh. Hi father” “Joe. I need you to do me a favor. I really need to run and I need you to fill in for me for a while. It will be easy you’ve been around long enough to be able to answer the question correctly. Just go in the booth and pretend you are me.” “But Father, what if I get it wrong?” Father Murphy pressed the by the urgency of his situation squeezed his butt-cheeks as tightly as he could and proceeded the toilet. “You’ll be fine.” He reassured Joe as he quickly moved away.
Joe reluctantly entered the priests side of the confessional booth and was quickly confronted by his first client.
“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
“What Have you done my child?” Joe nervously replied.
“Father, I am married but had intercourse with a man that was not my husband.”
Joe’s face transfigured from worry and doubt to a relaxed smile as he had indeed heard this before and was aware of the correct penance for the sinner. “You have greatly sinned in the eyes of god and must pay for your transgressions. You must light two candles and pay the church accordingly, pray the Rosary for forgiveness. Go now and sin no more.”
Joe smiled. This was much easer then he thought it would be. The second forgiveness customer had a similar story with two (not her husband) men. Joe doubled her penance. Wow, he thought. This is easy. I can do this.
The third morality patient entered the booth and Joe, with renewed assurance and vigor began the procedure “Blessed be you my child. Tell me how we may make you good with our all mighty god.”
“Forgive father for I have sinned” she began,
“Tell me child, what have you done?"
“Well father, I am married but I gave another man a blow job.”
Joe’s face fell. He was not aware of the correct penance for this exact sin, was it a two candle sin or a one candle sin? He really must get it correct as candles are expensive but he doesn’t want her to burn in hell forever if she doesn’t pay the church enough money. Nervously he looked out the exit door of his booth and noticed the alter boy was close by. “Peter.” Joe whispered. “Oh hi Joe” Peter replied. What are you doing in there?”
“Shhh!” Replied Joe and he motioned for Peter to approach the booth. “Peter”, continued Joe in a whisper. “You’re close by here a lot right?”
“Yea”, replied Peter,
“Well, do you hear what goes on in these booths?” “Yea. I hear everything.”
“Good.” Replied Joe. “Ok Peter I’ve got to get this right. I really need to know. . . What does Father Murphy give for a blow job?”
Peter smiled and replied, “Oh that’s easy. Five bucks and a candy bar.”

Most people think this story is very funny. A few of the more “devout/hard core” Catholics replied with a less enthusiastic “For Sick. That’s not funny.”

Funny thing is that I made more sacrilegious jokes when I was a believer than I do now. I shared some pretty offensive memes when I first "deconverted". But since then it really just hasn't come up in my life in a context where making that kind of joke would be appropriate... Except that one time I accidentally squirted catsup on the palm of my hand and said "look ma, I'm Jesus". No, my mom wasn't around and yes, the only theist at the table did have partly chewed fries come out her nose. 😂

Read this in a book about Truly Tasteless Jokes:

What do the letters INRI on the cross stand for? answer: "I'm nailed right in"

A new priest had just given his first mass. He approached the old priest in the parish and asked, "W-w-well, h-h-how'd I do?"
The old priest replied in his brogue, "Ah, ya did fine, but next mass put a wee bit of gin or vodka in with your water. It'll help ya relax."
The new priest thought about it and thought, "Why mess with water?" So, he filled his glass with gin.
After the next mass, obviously sloshed, he went up to the old priest and asked, "Well, ho-o-ow'd I do?"
"Fine," said the old priest, "But ya need to keep your facts straight: David slew Goliath; he didn't kick the shit out of 'im. Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples are not called J.C. and the dirty dozen. We do not refer to Father, Son, and Holy Ghost as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. And last, next Saturday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's."

My brother who converted to Mormon was all excited and telling me all about Joseph Smith thinking he was going to convert me. So I asked him if I joined your cult how before I get to learn about the aliens. I know damn well that was Scientology. He was not amused. So then I asked would I get to chose which planet I get to be god of when I die. He wasn’t amused on that one either.

It's far from the worst, but I like it:

One day, Jesus was out playing golf with a little old man. The older guy steps up to the tee and smacks the ball, which flies straight up into the open beak of a seagull, The gull drops it on a rock, where it bounces off and lands in a lake, only to skip across the water until it comes to dry land and disappears into a gopher hole. Seconds later, it rolls across a nearby croquet ground, straight through several wickets until it's back on the course. At that point, a squirrel picks it up and carries it across the green and drops it into the cup. Jesus turns to the old guy and says, "Nice shot, dad."

LOL...
Not long ago somebody told me I should drink blessed water and read the bible. I told her "You drink the blessed water but I accept the bible just in case we have a paper toilet shortage."
LOL, one of the ladies present stopped talking to me and the other got enraged. I laughed all the way to Tipperary...and back.

I've never done one, but my atheist dad's favorite prayer was : God bless Peter, God bless Paul, I hope to hell they don't eat it all". I thought that was pretty significant back then.

A relative of mine posted a picture of her son climbing a tree with a caption along the lines of him trying to get closer to god. I commented with something like he should be careful not to forget what happened with the tower of Babel. She then went on an insanely long & incoherent rant about how I should never use her children for a religious statement and I needed Jesus and how disrespectful I was. I then said something like: “oh, no the babel has already started! I don’t understand a word.” She then deleted everything. It was just a couple harmless jokes. We haven’t spoken since. That was over a year ago...

Do you know why all the chicks dug Jesus?

He was hung like this (holds out hands as though being crucified)!

Well...nothing was said...but a group of pals and I rolled a joint with bible paper...I mean...you gotta work with what you've got...unfortunately there were some holy rollers (pun intended) who were quite scandalized....the whole incident still makes me smile....

This one

I posted this on Facebook a couple of years ago, and some people lost their damned minds over it!!! That was a fun couple of days.