I'm usually happy, but have encountered a nemesis and need some ideas.
I try my best to live my life as a good, up-beat, positive-thinking person, but I'm having some trouble with a particular person that is bringing me down, making me angry and hateful. If this person were in my family or social circle, I would eliminate contact with them as much as I could. However, that's not the case.
I would love to be able to come up with a few one-liner comebacks that will both be not completely negative and also allow me to not blow-up. Something to say when I would really like to say "You're a complete idiot" or "F-off and Die". (If that makes any sense.)
I've come up with a few half reasonable ideas such as "I hope you defeat the demons that are making you so miserable" or "I hope you find your happy place soon" ... but even they don't really work for me, and they're too long...
Any ideas?
3
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17 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I like to speak the truth when possible. "I need to go" works a lot.
If this is a work relationship, talk to HR.
Your reaction to this person is understandable. But it is YOUR reaction.
FloridaLorrie
Level 3
Mar 31, 2018
1
'Be Blessed'...and do a hand motion like a Catholic priest...
DrewShourd
Level 7
Mar 27, 2018
2
There's been some very sensible comments here already which are pretty much what I'd suggest but maybe you could try something a little different. When you first go in, in the morning, burst into a medley of songs from Oklahoma, it may not be a long term solution but should give them pause, if only briefly 
ipdg77
Level 8
Mar 24, 2018
1
Try this one: You seem very unhappy since the house fell on your sister.
Actually, I agree with those who say that silence, and maybe just returning the insult with a smile before you walk away is the best way to handle it unless this person is also attempting to undermine your career or position in the workplace. If that is the case, speak to your supervisor about it. You should also make sure that you document to yourself (à la James Comey) in case the situation escalates.
In the meantime, here is a long (and I think entertaining) list of workplace insults:
MikeEC
Level 7
Mar 23, 2018
1
After reading further down I'd suggest getting together with the boss and letting that person know just how it affects your work that this other person disregards what you need to do your job well. If they are not willing to talk to that person it might be time to find a place to work that will allow you more courtesy. Or, maybe it's time to start your own business so you can set the rules and environment.
AmyLF
Level 7
Mar 23, 2018
1
Don't even lower yourself, it's a no win situation. There's obviously more behind it than you know and may have nothing or very little to do with you. Bad (negative) attention can be better than no attention at all. If a baby has a tantrum it's because he/she is looking for attention. Don't react and it will really get his goat!
DarwinistOne
Level 7
Mar 23, 2018
1
Smile at them, that usually confuses the f- out of them. Remember the best revenge is a good life.
Kimba
Level 7
Mar 22, 2018
3
I don't know if that would be feasible here, in a work situation. But I like the idea.
When I was in college chemistry class, a student transferred from another school. This student had an A in chemistry. The teacher (a real azzhole) promptly told the class that this student (call him Z) could not possibly be smart enough to join the class--at least, not on his own; he must have cheated. The teacher then proceeded to make Z drag his desk up to the teacher's desk for every single test and quiz, so the teacher could watch him and, hopefully, catch him cheating.
Z went along cheerfully with all of this, never once complaining or even looking anything but pleasant. And he got an A on every single test, lol.
Of course, the teacher had to give him an A for the class, and it really pissed him off.
Like I said, I don't think this would be possible in a work environment, but it's a great example of passive-aggressive response to a bully's bullshit.
You are an unconscionably corpulent sycophant and a flaccid heart-sickening menace to, not only society, but all living creatures.
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
If opposites attract, then you will meet someone who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured
I see that you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world
I don’t think you are stupid. You just have a bad luck when thinking
I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance
Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand
I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?
You are an abominably debauched filcher and a ludicrous cantankerously-caterwauling conglomerate of intellectual constipation.
You are a deucedly uncivilized plebeian and a decrepit flesh-creeping gruesome vista to all eyes assaulted by the sight of you.
You are a a monstrously foul dolt and a fecal disease-ridden wretched horror to all who encounter you.
You are an incalculably perverted scoundrel and a depraved enema-addicted mutilation of decency.
Rugglesby
Level 8
Mar 22, 2018
1
HAHAhahahaha that funny.
Not sure I can use any of those, but good for a laugh. Thanks. 
@scurry I think I may have warned on this forum once before, in the business world, I don't take prisoners, I slice and dice. These are just mild and for fun. Professionally if someone gets up my nose and won't stop, I let fly much harsher than this but related to our work or projects. I once sent a guy a reply to a particularly nasty note he sent to one of my managers, the fool thought it was complimentary, took it to his boss and got a massive demotion within days, and quit his previously high paid Government job 6 months later. I have occasionally written in position applications that I don't work and play well with others. Seriously, I would be one of the easiest people to work for, but many people take it that I am a pushover and cross lines that should not be crossed.
it would be nice to know what your actually facing please
LeighShelton
Level 8
Mar 22, 2018
1
@LeighShelton @wordywalt
I'm not sure specifics are important, as it was a general question, but for instance...
I have customers that we do work on several vehicles, they drop off one, as they pick one up. I need to log the info and keep my customer up to date as his driver's come and go, as well as have material ready to go for the next vehicle.
The other day, this customer showed up and the co-worker greeted him, then went about exchanging vehicles without informing me.
I was irked, but calmly asked that he please let me know when my customers arrive, that I might need to talk with them or sort stuff out. He sluffed it off.
Note, this wasn't the 1 time this had happened.
Flash forward to today. Again, another driver for the same customer shows up, the co-worker greets him. I'm walking towards my desk as the co-worker looks me in the eye and walks past. I see the driver at the counter, turn to ask the co-worker 'is that my customer?' He says yes.
I say ' Buddy, ya really gotta tell me when my customers are here.' He sluffs it off again...
Long story short it escalated a bit, he went crying to my boss who basically told him to friggin' tell me when my customers are there.
There's more, but I'm sure you get the picture.
@scurry If you have a boss, I would inform the boss of the situation and ask him to hold a meeting with the two of you to come up with some ground rulews twhich both must follow to resolve the problem.
If you don't have a boss, then you must demand to sit-down meeting with the guy to come up with ground rules.
yes, I got you and think you already have it sorted mate. its pointless getting upset I've found because it's hard to change fucking stupid
@LeighShelton Exactly!!
That's kinda why I'm looking for little one-liners. Just enough to relieve my aggravation and not enough to escalate anything.
Neither this individual or the situation is going to change any time soon, so I'm just looking to ease the immediate stress and move on.
literally look up one-liner replies on google
Ithink walking away and ignoring this person is your best bet. Verbal battles are a waste of time and energy. They encourage unwanted communication.
sassygirl3869
Level 9
Mar 22, 2018
2
It's probably better not to encourage or instigate anything that could be construed as war, especially if it's unclear how far this person is willing to go to win. I recommend resisting temptation and keeping the relationship strictly "business at hand." If this person makes you miserable, imagine how much worse it must be to actually be them. At most, my favorite scathing reply to snarky comments is, "How very typical of you to make such a statement." (can be adapted to "... to ask such a question."
Deb57
Level 8
Mar 22, 2018
2
Oh, I like that too... That's the sort of thing that I might be able to work with.
Ya - I'm all about keeping things as work-related as possible!!
Thanks for the suggestion.
A really simple way to deal is to not give your personal power to that person. Your choice to be angry is exactly that... yours. Take your power back. Don't give it away.
LimeySteve
Level 7
Mar 22, 2018
1
It very much depends on how much contact you have to have with this person and the amount of power he/she has over you. Is it a boss, etc.? Is something like "You should move to (small town). I hear they're looking for a new village idiot" too harsh? "Your unhappiness doesn't have to be passed on to me" might work or "Go look in the mirror when you want to make someone miserable."
tioteo
Level 8
Mar 22, 2018
2
Oooo - I like those!! I'm not sure they'll fly, I might have to refine, but those are good!!|
Thanks.
Don't engage. Talk of the work that needs to be done then leave. If it's somebody senior to you power wise. Look for other work, or do business only. Keep notes.
That sort of thin sucks. The best I can come up with is don't converse.
morlll
Level 7
Mar 22, 2018
4
Oh if that were only the case.
I need to deal with this person on a daily (hourly??) basis.
We're a small company and so far I've kept my mouth shut, but it's getting harder and harder. Technically I'm senior, but I still try to take the high-road.
Not always easy.
If it's every hourly, it would be open season for me. If you are his senior it's open season. I was good with a nice STFU at one place. I heard also "I thought you were a nice guy". Think again! Just this past summer a jerk I know made a snarky comment about my daughter, that out of line. We are a rude bunch of guys, but don't be stupid. I didn't do anything other than say and "that's why god wouldn't let you have children". He said come on you I was joking, right? I said me too eh! We're a funny bunch, aren't we? He doesn't talk to me much anymore. He and his wife have been trying to have kids for years. I didn't know that though.
Is this a person who is a co-worker?
MissingLink16
Level 7
Mar 22, 2018
4
Unfortunately, yes.
@scurry It depends on how much time you spend around that person on the job. If it is not much time at all, I'd avoid any type of confrontation or snarky remarks. But if you have to deal with this person constantly, then you need to find out what kind of trouble you could get in to if you decide to use snarky one-liners.
@Lincoln16 I have to deal with this person constantly. So far I've kept my snark to myself, but I would really like a way to subtly tell them to shut up. My guess is if it's done right, they won't even figure it out. (they aren't super bright)
I can only get in trouble if I use the wrong one-liners.
I do admittedly have to b e careful, but that's why I'm hoping others might have the right words.
@Akfishlady So far I'm being very careful and keeping my mouth shut. I've minimized already, but it's a small company and daily interactions are inevitable.
I've fallen under a similar problem as you with this person going to the boss when we've butt heads... but so far, my boss has basically said that I was in the right ... but it certainly had caused some friction in our work area.
Frustration abounds!!
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