Do you explain why you don't want a second date?
"I don't think we make a good match," I usually say. "Good luck with your search."
But today I got an email from Stuart, who left an especially bad taste in my mouth. He wants to see me again. No, thank you, I said. "Why not?" he insisted.
I keep a journal of bad dating experiences to remind me not to repeat it. My reply:
Stuart,
I found it stressful to spend time with you. You are not an easy or fun person to be around. I don’t like your negativity, criticism, fussiness, humorless lecturing and refusal to cook.
“You need to listen to me carefully because I am always right,” you said on the phone. This attitude drives away people.
Unlike you, I’m not the type of person to sit on my butt while someone slaves in the kitchen. I jump up and help. Cooking together can be sexy and fun.
You turned up your nose at my cooking, food I offered, restaurants I suggested and the hike.
“I’ve seen more beautiful places,” you sniffed. Putting down Icicle Gorge was elitist and bad manners. I would never say that to the person who planned the hike.
Of course, I have hiked in more beautiful places. I chose Icicle Gorge because the hike was short and easy. I was recovering from pneumonia and wasn’t sure of your fitness. You emphasized that you only hike 3-4 miles and don’t do steep hikes like me.
During our hike, I felt irked, and then bored when you went on-and-on about how hard it was to find a condo in the Seattle area, HOA rules, the large size of your house in Texas, your high-class Texas neighborhood, ad nauseum. This was not the time nor place.
While hiking, I want to be in the moment and enjoy the quiet and beauty of nature.
“I treat women with respect and kindness,” you like to say. You did not show me much respect or kindness. Instead you were critical and arrogant, showed bad manners and expected me to do all of the work.
This is not an experience I want to repeat.
Kathleen
13
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15 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.Any man who proclaims "I treat women with respect and kindness" should always be suspect. It's almost like saying, "I am not a racist, but...." Lol.
AtheistReader
Level 7
Oct 21, 2019
1
I always try to be kind - but I would not bother to take the time to explain all this.
No means no. Period.
Hopefully he'll take some of your pointers to heart - but probably not ...
Lastly - for first meetings, I prefer to meet at a local park or something, for an hour or two. No money spent, no reason to remain longer than I wish. No exchange of info, unless it's mutually desired. If things go well, plans can always be adjusted for more exploration !
evergreen
Level 8
Oct 21, 2019
3
Stuart sounds like a classic narcissist, from your depiction; or at the very least incapable of picking up on social cues or body language.
AndrewInVail
Level 6
Oct 20, 2019
3
Negativity is a turn off. It's simply bad manners when done to that extent especially. He was a bit self absorbed.
Switchcraft
Level 7
Oct 20, 2019
2
A couple of things:
-Given the behavior you describe, I wouldn't have gone to the extent you did. I'd take your "we are not a good match" approach.
-I've seen enough of your posts to sort of know a bit about you. How did you end up with him in the first place? I have to think he was different in person than over the phone? He sounds like a creep.
Mitch07102
Level 8
Oct 20, 2019
2
Most men do good phone. I always insist on a phone conversation before meeting.
Online dating is like a blind date. You never really know who shows up.
The only way to learn about a person's personality and character is to spend time with them.
When he asks, "why not? " he sounds like a kid! I would reply, "cuz. " 
Cutiebeauty
Level 9
Oct 20, 2019
7
Asking "why not" is where they want you to open up and give a detailed reason for things. You do not have to do that. It gives them control when you do and the subject matter seems to turn into debate. The person who" just knows that he is right" decides that you do know know what you want. This, of course, is not true.
@DenoPenno yes, a debate in which they try convince her that she's wrong.. I totally understand..
You were clear. But he won't hear you.
GreatNani
Level 8
Oct 20, 2019
4
You're right. I doubt he will to change his behavior.
@LiterateHiker ya think?
I have never been a position to turn down a second date. I can't remember being asked.
BitFlipper
Level 8
Oct 20, 2019
3
Great response, I wonder how he took it. Great photo too, I love rivers. What river is this?
19dacar52
Level 7
Oct 20, 2019
2
Thank you. It's Icicle Creek near Leavenworth, WA.
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