As the soul does not evidently exist the idea of a soul mate is at best questionable. My girlfreind did not like this response. I told her that there is no great mover and no meant to be. I did recover very quickly by adding that the difference between me and all the other guys was that the rest were just unlucky bastards!

It is rare. I had it once, for seven years. It does exist. It is the real heaven. But again, very, very rare.

For me just meeting people and being curious about who they are is what works. And doing that with someone else also curious about me, every so often I meet someone who I really get and they get me. And you each have a positive impact on each other. It is very special, and what people call it doesnt matter, even if they say soulmate. It could be a friend, partner or mate..Soul mate to me implies there is no work needed like it just happens. To mr relationships require being with someone like it's the last relationship I will ever have. It takes work and diligence not comparing anyone from the past, which is what we do when we make up judgements about people by how they look, think, or are that's different from what we perceive is what we need or want-- never about this new cool person we don't really know yet.
When it seems we know someone forever and they are the one. I am suspect that I amimagining/assuming my wish list on them and stop the magical thinking as they can be far cooler than I think they are.

It happens when you least expect it

I can't recall ever believing in soul mates, even as a young teen. Although perhaps I was not a romantic and what I saw around me in terms of "relationships" made me jaded from a young age? hehe! idk. I think there are multiple people out there who we have shared values with and there is that shared attraction and willingness to have open and honest communication with. Whatever the odds are of finding said persons I do not know, but I think our mentality, our health, our life circumstances (ie whether we are in survival mode or thriving mode), and many other variables impact whether we find or date or bond with said compatible people.

Having had several deep connections - each of which lasted for various numbers of years - I've always thought the concept of "soulmates" is lovely fluff ... in poetry and stories.

I'll be more able to answer this after a 40 year marriage..... Which I will never have

Real love grows with time, not instantly. And it is hard, because it depends upon finding someone who needs something you have to give, because it is about giving not taking, yet it also needs to be someone you can respect and who has something you value. Finding someone therefore who values what you can give, yet is not needy is difficult.

I was lucky with my wife since we were both looking for companionship, while my current friend and I were both looking for a traveling companion and someone to share life wonders with.

So are you blaming Plato for seeding unattainable expectations?

...off the top of my head.. Yup

Sure, they exist. But you don't simply find them. Both has to choose to become the soulmate of the other. And it takes hardwork and sacrifice. It cannot work if both are not willing to sacrifice all their other dreams. A soulmate is made over years, after those sacrifices have been made.

But these days, people simply choose to stop working towards becoming one. They are unwilling to make such a sacrifice. Granted, the sacrifice now is much more costly than in the previous generations because everyone now has a real oppourtunity to accomplish their dreams. And so a different sacrifice is made: pursuit of their dreams, in exchange for their soulmate.
It's a choice made when young, and as we grow, our demands and expectations grow, and now simply finding a partner fitting those increased demands is rare.

If you want to have soulmate now, you need to find someone who has low expectations and is willing to make sacrifices. And that 'someone' is a rare breed these days.

It is my experience that the perfect person for you is a person that you grow together with. To think that you will find one person with everything exactly the way you want is against the laws of probability. I always wondered when I was dating and got to the level of marriage, not whether or not we loved each other but whether or not we could live together. It always seems that there was a point where the personality got in the way, at first it was something that added to the experience but then this aspect came to build a wall which could not be tolerated. You either grow together or grow apart, relationships do not seem to just be stable as they do not allow for change in either individual. To many times it seems to be that the relationship does not grow beyond the dating stage, then an person come to show who they really are, One then has to deal with that difference which can be catastrophic.

whereas I'd love to have a soul mate, I'd settle for someone amicable, companionable, and willing to do their fair share. I am pretty much convinced that person is a chimera and my relationship status is never going to change.

Perhaps, but you can have some fun in your search. I know I have.

Well I believe starry eyed, young-people love usually has very little shelf life. But I don't have any trouble with "soul-mates" but it isn't a term I use a lot; "kindred spirits" on the other hand is okay with me and any other fan of the Anne of GG's books. I just don't think there is only one or that I need to be intimate with them all. It does help if you share enjoyment in a couple of common pass times. Really, so long as exclusivity is a defining aspect of the kind of intimate relationship you're looking for, then both partners had better find the other's approach pleasing and appetite level compatible. Actually liking your partner is paramount. If you value their feedback and opinion and enjoy sharing your ideas with them, who cares what you call it?

There are variations on the theme. I read a study once that suggested that the "brass ring" everyone seeks in a marriage could be termed a "vital marriage", defined as a marriage with little or no conflict where the relationship itself is the greatest joy of both participants. The study basically said this does happen, but frequency is in the single digits. In other words the odds of anyone in their lifetime experiencing this are extremely poor.

I suppose that a vital marriage might convince you that you've found some sort of "soul mate" but all it really would reflect is that you won the lottery by stumbling onto someone incredibly compatible with you. Or in the alternative it could just mean that you found someone who is weirdly content to entirely defer to your wants and needs. The concept of vital marriage strikes me as suspiciously fantastic -- the notion of a relationship that never expects anything of you that is challenging, counterintuitive or difficult. Is it really possible to never have to negotiate in any substantive way about division of household labor, frequency or style of sex, finances, etc.? I mean the list is pretty much endless. And the concept of "vital marriage" does not account for the possibility of people starting out well but then growing apart. Is a marriage necessarily better or more valid simply because it's effortless? Finally, the very concept is one that pretty much assumes a great deal of privilege. Could a poor couple in a third world country even HAVE a vital marriage when their every waking moment is focused on survival? When more often than not you are hungry or sick or under existential threat?

At the end of the day I think intimate relationships are usually going to have unwanted drama, surprising conflicts, and various disappointments, and if you don't plan for it, you're going to be ejecting people from your life in the mistaken notion that the ordinary vicissitudes of life are signifiers of a bad relationship, causing you to cut and run a the first sign of trouble.

All that said, at my age, I can barely absorb my own sorrows and worries, much less someone else's, and their children's, and their extended family dynamic -- plus hold down a job and get my mind around the state of the world these days. The concept of marriage as something that improves quality of life in the sense that it imparts more to you than it demands of you, is something I can no longer claim to believe in. When it comes to marriage and parenting, I can love my wife and [step]children while at the same time wondering when we're going to start having fun sharing life. My wife for example is at this moment estranged from her daughter and is distraught about it. This colors everything that happens in our household and there are no good solutions. Her asshat daughter has basically guaranteed my home life will be a hellscape for weeks if not months if only because I'm deeply worried about my wife's welfare, and oh yeah, the cat is scheduled for euthanasia in a couple of weeks, THAT should help! I have to confess there are times that the notion of living alone, by my own lights, with my own problems, seems like bliss. Would probably be the loneliest AND best years of my life at the rate things have gone.

So no I don't believe in "soul mates" and am so far down the road from such concepts as to find them absurd. Life happens, and it cares not for our ideals.

By the way LH, I see you're in Wenatchee. It has long been on my wish list to explore the Ohme garden. Ever been?