I regret having ever apologized to either parental unit. They did not deserve it and the apologies were coerced (out of violence) or manipulated out of me. Mind you, they are/were both toxic and one was a narcissist and the other I think is a schizophrenic with anger issues. So not the stellar parent you probably were.

I am glad for your good luck. I wish my 26 year old stepdaughter was evidencing that level of self-awareness but if anything she's regressing.

They say all teens meet the criteria for borderline personality disorder but normally grow out of it. Not this one.

My wife is in a serious mental health tailspin of her own from the sorrow of this situation. I have advised my wife to draw some boundaries, and she has, but she invariably second guesses herself out of them. At some point the daughter comes back and twists the knife some more. Rinse and repeat. Another example of how people can only save (or destroy) themselves, I guess.

Both mother and daughter have retained therapists, but they are also both what I'd call "difficult patients". Wife's therapist #1 only lasted two sessions. She starts over with another one in a few days. Meantime I have the usual Hobson's Choice of worrying myself sick about all this or Not Caring. I'm sure there's some ironic Zen middle ground I'm supposed to find here but between this and Covid and the political situation in the US, I'm not hopeful of finding it or that it will provide anything actionable.

Two comments:
Grand children are your reward for [being a good parent/not killing your children]

When you are really really upset, think of how much fun the story will be when you share it at their wedding.

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers.

I have 2 daughters who are reaching middle age and I appreciate fully what you say.

I would faint from shock if my daughter ever apologized for anything! She's 22 now and is at least friendly now. I'm grateful enough for that.

"Youth is wasted on the young" [quoteinvestigator.com]