Ready, I know you are right. I have the power to change. I just need to exercise it.

But that power doesn't seem "real" to me. I ventured out that plank about six years ago (god, was it that long ago?) and in the end, I couldn't do it.

There's real and there's REAL.
I appreciate your input. All this is helping. I'd forgotten that writing helps.

Oh, yes, I know I have depression. Medications have helped in the past. Maybe it is as easy as having insurance and getting back on meds. And I have seen a therapist in the past and I've discussed it with her. But, I think I've arrived at something more than just "feelings." This is a "knowing" thing. Kinda like when I made the jump to atheism. It's just so "true."
Too many quotation marks.

@phil21 Major Depressive Disorder can be so powerful that it feels like "knowing". There are some companies that will donate drugs if you don't have insurance. Anyway, I encourage you to get those supports back in place because they are the best hope you've got.

But I also want to say that I think most of life is about performing chores, unless you're part of the 1% and maybe even then. I know they feel like drudgery sometimes but from the outside I can see that those chores you are performing are important. But we all have limits, you can't do everything so you may have do set some boundaries. Perhaps it is time for your children to become more independent.

I'm going to stick my neck out and give you my personal opinion on the sex issue. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my wife how upsetting the prospect of never having satisfying sex again is for me. This issue is going to hinge on communication. Maybe she doesn't realize how you feel. Maybe she doesn't realize your sex was unsatisfying. Maybe she wouldn't mind an affair if you got her permission.

You've probably already considered all the things I've mentioned, but only you can take action on them.

@LovinLarge Double L, I appreciate your comments and I know they are largely correct. And I know the chores I do are appreciated. But I can't get over the feeling that I am responsible for other people's comfort and joy and I know I can never ever succeed.
Yes, my children and my wife need to be more independent. I need to be more forceful about it. As you might surmise, it is an ongoing, never ending condition.
The sex thing. She knows. She might not know I never want to have sex with her again, that more than 30 years of rejection have done their job. Last affair became more than an affair and I'm still recovering from that missed chance.
I'm babbling.
Thanks for your kindness. Getting back on here is already helping. Needed the outlet. Stay safe.

@LovinLarge I appreciate your concern and you are definitely telling me things I "know." There seems to be a disconnect, for me, in KNOWING something on a academic level and FEELING it, letting it become real and to drive my emotions and actions.
Does that make sense?
Again, I do appreciate your input.

@phil21 It makes perfect sense. I worked with the same therapist for about 10 years until the pandemic hit. She didn't do much, mostly just listened. But it was a safe place (she was not religious) for me to talk out loud to another person, sometimes about the discrepancy between what I thought and what I felt. Occasionally she would chime in with something of value or cause me to think of something I'd expressed differently. I made so much progress over that period that now I would be embarrassed to admit some of the things I did near the beginning. I could tell her anything and I think she came to know me better than anyone else does. I believe that relationship played a key role in the stability I've achieved.

I too, once believed that my life could never get any better. I was wrong.

@phil21 I am prone to depression and anxiety and the only thing that has helped is weed in small amounts and a long walk daily or as close to daily as possible. I do a minimum of 2 miles, half uphill, sometimes 3. It really does help.

@ReadyforaChange Pretty sure there is research to support the efficacy of both of those treatments. Your exercise routine is impressive. Good self-care. I would keep a journal of your daily effort to remind yourself how well you are doing and if it practical, increase your routine on a regular basis. This has worked for me in the past, also.

Weed must be helpful to many people in this way also or there wouldn't be so many people using it. I'm glad you have found things that work for you and because you have, it is likely there would be others, also. I am glad you reached out to share your situation with us and I hope you will continue to do so.

Thanks, CB. Yeah, it is a relatively recent discovery. One day at a time.