Hi Everyone,
I am working on trying to identify red flags. For the seasoned veterans of dating among you, can you give me some advice here? So I have been talking to a guy online for almost a month now. My life in general can be pretty stressful, due to mental health issues. This issue can interfere with memory retention of trivial details. Sometimes I forget the details of something a guy has said due to this fact. I have not disclosed my history to him yet.
Ever so often he remarks, in a jokey way, that I do not remember because I am talking to so many guys aside from him. Which comes across as offensive because one I am not. Two I actually am going through life struggles and not lying about that. And third, even if I were talking to many guys, why should that be thrown in my face? I am single. I guarantee he is talking to other girls or going on dates, since he is often online and not replying to me. So should I be making those kind of remarks at him too?
Here is a sample of what he has said: "Also damn. if you gonna talk to so many guys and get confused and mix up your roster at least be honest. we even talked about it earlier in our chat.... it being the topic of religion
So what does everyone think? Is this a sign of jealousy or insecurity and a red flag?
Thanks
This is about me. I am not dating so this is just what one male who is trying to help has to say. If you have not told him about your mental stuff, then he does not know about it. If I was the person you were talking to I would assume you are talking to other men, not as a bad thing or a good thing, just that that is what happens between people. If you are good looking, which I will assume you are then you should have them lined up. Now if you do not then it all means absolutely nothing. It is conversation. I have no idea what you want to do with the information you have is up to you. Listen to what the other women tell you as they have far more experience on the other side of this.
Re-entered the dating game and met a great guy on Match of all places. Make sure you video chat and can see and hear him. If he is local I would meet him asap. There are scammers out there who won't talk on phone because they usually have Nigerian accents. Been there done that. I am a cancer survivor and have short term memory loss. He should not put you down for that. You need to meet this guy in person. A month online is a bad idea. Haven't read the other comments yet.
There's all kinds of wrongs there but no need to be offended. Just move on.
Not offended just frustrated. And needed to know I was right in identifying a red flag and not blowing something mundane out of proportion.
Ghost him
I should have. He got really butthurt about me cancelling. Gave me a shaming paragraph.
@demifeministgal yeah sounds like the kind of guy whod do that
I can only provide red-flags about women. If they have a history of arson, or if they're bipolar, if they suffer from dramatic mood swings. If they are on Social Security because they are unable to hold a job due to severe emotional trauma. Obviously, if they like Trump they have no soul.
For online dating, I don't get to meet enough of them to compare their real personalities against their profiles.
As a previous comment suggested, the problem goes away if you take notes while you talk to him and others. I had to start doing it myself because when you're talking to a few people you tend to get them mixed up, especially when you don't have a meeting with them to help it.
okay that may work for my issue of memory. But not the issue of one's jealousy or insecurities
@demifeministgal people can be jealous and insecure over many issues. The issue that caused it for you was you forgetting what the person said to you. How would you feel if someone forgot everything you said?
Well I'd feel annoyed if they "forgot everything" . I'd think they weren't listening to me at all. It's not fair to compare me forgetting our discussion about religion to me forgetting everything he says, imo.
Yeah, I might be wary of it as a possible sign of jealous tendencies and insecurity.
Scratch him, he's not for you !
Not scratch him for real right?
@PondartIncbendog ha, no, just off your list ! Hahaha
Update 3: He did NOT take the rejection well. Which makes me think I should have ghosted his ass since I got lectured anyways. Ah well. Next asshole around. His reply:
"My true colors? LOL
I didn’t do anything. You misread a joke. And banter that we have been having for AGES.
That has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you. Do you really think I care who you talk to? You showed your true colors. We had a date planned for Friday. And you just randomly switched your tune.
So you can joke and tease. But as soon as the guy does the same thing. It’s a problem? For some reason a nerve was hit in you. Something to do with the “security “ part of the pyramid. Cause you must have some form of insecurity to have reacted like you did and with the last message you did
I even make plans to leave work early to come see you Friday. I would be driving from MY city to yours. Even offered to pick you up.
This proves why your method of talking for ages doesn’t work. Cause all this time I’ve invested was wasted for you to just pull this stunt with no valid reason AT ALL. You can’t even explain your reason cause you have none
Anyone in their right mind can read this chat and see that I never said anything at all that warranted your reaction.
I mean I’m all ears?
Just cause some guy that you did give your number to was a jerk doesn’t mean all guys are.
You even asked me to confirm by Thursday or it would have left a bad taste in your mouth. Which I’m the most punctual and considerate person you might meet I woulda never stood you up period.
But of course. You can randomly stand me up. With no valid reason
So yes true colors were revealed. But not mine cause mine have been consistent since the start
But hey. No love lost. One day you’ll learn. Doesn’t change my life one bit.
And when you learn. Remember me.
Good luck to ya
And you are welcome for me telling you the truth. Most people don’t
Good day sir"
Update 2: I had scheduled a date with this guy before making this post. For this Friday. Some of you have suggested ghosting. I am a person that likes having a sense of closure and finality. I wanted to cancel and tell him why we can no longer talk. But then 2 people mentioned that me giving him the reasons may make him better skilled at manipulating the next woman! And now I am feeling guilty for his next actual victim. I don't know what to do! I want to message but not give him tools to harm future women. Is there a way to end things without teaching him how to be a better skilled asshole?
Read your bio, why are you dating at all?
Why not?
You do realize my profiles differ right? And the profile I have on agnostic does NOT mirror the profile I have on dating sites. Just some food for thought for ya.
Lmao I love how me asking about red flags in men equated to you thinking there's red flags in me. You funny, man. Lol
I think you should stop talking to any guys and take care of your mental issues instead. It is not fair you not telling him.
I obviously would tell him after a couple in person dates. I think casual dating is okay as long as I am addressing my health issues. Due to the nature of them I'll never be cured or healed soo the only other option would be to die single and avoid dating forever. That's no fun!
@demifeministgal Sometimes life is no fun, but it is more important to get help than to date.
Rest assured I am getting help. It is just my living envt that worsens things. And during a pandemic with high unemployment rates moving out ain't happening any time soon. :/
The Red flag of Jealousy is flying on this one. He thinks he owns you already?
I guess its over between us then?
Aww man there's too many guys online claiming ownership of me! I forgot all about you. I may rotate you back in to my "roster" though if you treat me right!
@demifeministgal Ok fine.
Actually talking by phone helps identify red flags better.
A cliché is like a red flag to a bull in a china shop full of vexillological metaphors.
Jealousy, insecurity , guilt: have you considered asking him?
That would be a good time to mention your problems and sort the sheep from the goats and the bull.
what exactly is the cliche here? Me or him? And why?