The Christian Creed for dummies

1. We believe in a cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father by means of his own ghost.

2. We believe the cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can grant you immortality and eternal happiness after turning you in to a Zombie too.

3. This to take place at some unspecified point in the future.

4. We believe in having a public bath in your clothes, or having magic water sprinkled on your head when an infant. This will telepathically tell the cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father that you accept him as your master. This act of humiliation will also sign you up for life to a club wherein for a least one day a week, you will devote your time and a significant portion of your income to his greater glory forever and ever.

5. We believe that a woman was cloned from her husband’s own rib, that this same woman was the primal mother of everyone and that she was once convinced by a talking snake to eat from a forbidden magical tree at some point in the past.

6. We believe that his act of defiance by the clone woman caused the cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father to have a tantrum and placed an hereditary curse or evil sickness in to the soul of all humanity from that point on.

7. We believe the cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father is our only hope of a cure, from this hereditary sickness, with which he himself has infected us.

8. We believe cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can remove from your soul this evil disease contingent on your indulging in symbolic ritual cannibalism on a weekly basis and if you agree to donate a portion of your income to his followers for the privilege of doing so.

9. We believe that if you do not choose to accept this cure from the cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father and do not agree to go visit him and donate money to him every week there will be consequences after you are dead.

10. We believe that after you are dead, if you have not given yourself to the cosmic Jewish Zombie then the cosmic Jewish Zombie you will burn you for all time in a lake of unquenchable fire. That you will spend forever being tortured by demons, being made to drink scalding water and eating burning dung all because cosmic Jewish Zombie who is your divine father and was his own, loves you so very, very much.