By Ginny Hogan on Medium.com

(Well, what we think he's say, at least.)

Good evening, ingrates.

I’ve been informed that if I want any more prime-time coverage, I have to give a “concession speech.” I imagine this kind of a speech comes equipped with a full concession stand. Anybody want some popcorn? Too bad, you can’t have it. It’s mine.

Anyway, I’m here to say that the Electoral College is racist and completely backward, but it has problems, too. For example, everyone is saying I lost, but I got the most votes out of any president in history. Most of them were against me, but still. I won the election and if you want me to leave you’ll have to MAKE ME.

This country is full of millions and billions of illegal votes. It is very sad. Nobody let me or my armed Nazi fans watch ballot counts. This isn’t fair — just because I don’t know how to count doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have been invited. From the people I know who did get to watch them count ballots, I hear Sleepy Joe got most of them, which is probably a lie and also funny because he’s a nerd.

It’s all very, very unfair to me.

I have been a victim of a vast conspiracy theory. The vastest in American history. The American public collectively came together to overthrow me in a massive coup, staged by casting ballots at their polling stations. It’s despicable, really. We talk about collusion at companies like Facebook — not me personally, I like Facebook, I have so many fans there, they hit the “like” button for me — but we don’t talk about how the entire voting system is actually one big collusion. It seems like a lot of people coordinated among themselves to get other people to vote for Biden, and that should be illegal.

Next time, nobody should be allowed to tell the people who to vote for — or even who is running — until they’re in the voting booth. Otherwise, there’s just too much opportunity for collusion.

A lot of people have been very unfair to me during this process. Like John King on CNN — why does he get to be called King? That is me. And Sleepy Joe — I thought it was very mean of him to challenge me in the first place. I never tried to be vice president of Obama, and I’ve never set foot in the state of Delaware. (Ew, can you imagine? This country is disgusting.) So why couldn’t he let me be? Plus, Joe is a lazy, lazy man. I hear he doesn’t even write his own tweets. Pathetic. That’s most of what being a president is.
Oh, and the truth has also been very, very, very unfair to me. The truth can SUCK IT.

This election is not over. Far From it, despite every news station including Fox calling it and that Sleepy Joe already set up a task force to address the pandemic. How laughable.
Like I said, nothing is over. I am going nowhere. Many more lawsuits to come. The greatest lawsuits you’ve ever seen. The Supreme Court will do exactly as I say or they’ll never get another job in this town. So many dangling threads are left: Georgia, Nevada, Arizona — oh, sorry, I was addressing my favorite strippers — but also Pennsylvania, an absolute cesspool of fake votes. Apparently not enough to swing the state toward me, but we tried.

So, to answer your question, the election was rigged and I am not conceding ever ever ever. And yes, I’m allowed to accuse the Democrats of voting fraud. They accuse me of voting fraud all the time, every time I manufacture fake ballots! So, it’s only fair. The other reason I’m allowed to accuse the Democrats of voting fraud is that I’m allowed to do whatever I want.

But now that I think of it, I don’t even want to be president anyway. I hate this country. You’re all a bunch of lazy rednecks. How dumb do you have to be to elect a man like me? You pushed me to be someone I wasn’t. I’m over it and this swamp.

In the end, we’re all very sad to see me go. So many people in the streets popping champagne bottles in sadness. It’s truly heartwarming. After I just said I was stepping down, you’re not going to believe this, but the stock market is surging. That’s right, it jumped up, to wave goodbye to a president who’s never been anything but good to it.
It’s been a great honor to serve the United States — oh, no sorry, I misread that. It’s been a great honor to be served by the United States. The people at Walter Reed are inspiring, I love them so much. No one has been that nice to me in ages, I’d love to get Covid again sometime.

To my esteemed family members — you’re welcome for this chance to serve. Trust me, when you try to get jobs anywhere else, you’ll realize just how good I was to hire all of you.
To my non-esteemed family members, hello, Eric. Sit down, Daddy’s not taking questions right now.

And to the American people — I don’t know what you’ll all do without me, which is fitting, since I don’t know anything else, either.

Ah, yes, we seem to be reaching the end of my time. Well, I’d just like to say — I won this election, but I’m giving it to Joe as a donation to him. He’s old, he won’t get a chance to run again. Trump-Kanye 2024, and God bless America!

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