Remember that on every journey you are now traveling on, you will be taking your old self with you. All the ingrained patterns, triggers, prejudices, hates, expectations of others, beliefs, and all the other things that will sabotage your efforts. You have already noticed that you need to change, yet, if all these issues are not dealt with, your "old self" will eventually taint this new goal or perspective until you fail or give up again. There are reasons you act like you do, find out what may have been instilled into you as a child, and what affected you enough to embrace that as you grew up, and why you embraced it. The hates, prejudices, selfishness, etc., they all stem from somewhere.

You were once a blank canvas that someone influenced to be painted a certain way. It seems like you don't like the image. You cannot just toss it away, you have to repaint yourself into the person that you want to be. It will be hard because it will go against those ingrained patterns, the "old you" will try to sabotage any effort you make.

Remember "God loves you."

I applaud your honesty, self insight and the courage to admit it to us. You want to change and have taken the first steps, so I wish you well, and feel, with support you have the right attitude to succeed. Bravo!