Have I missed the one?
With so many stories of love and lovers who've found one another in plain sight, while not looking. As children who grew up together as best-friends, and then lovers, and then partners. Or as Highschool or college sweethearts who'd caught one another's eye at some party or gathering, or just simply across the hall.
Or on some trip to some foreign location, or on a business trip, or perhaps simply at work.

I can't say how many times my heart felt love but I was too afraid to act upon it.
In school, it was usually the feeling that if I'd dated a girl from church, our community and familes would start to plan our wedding, and I wasn't ready for that. I wanted to explore.
Then in highschool, it was that I didn't know how to be cool, I had ragged clothes, I didn't know how to talk to girls, and I had ragging hormones that made it impossible to have any kind of clear thinking, or emotional stability.
Then in college, there were simply no women there who didn't already have kids or a fiance.
Afterward...I tired, and tried, and succeeded for a short while, and failed.
Now that I'm nearly 40, never married, no kids.
I begin to look back on those I loved, those who drove me crazy, those who were good for me but I had no feelings for, etc.
Two really stand out...
One was an Irish-Italian Catholic girl. She was nerdy, and cute, and annoying, but she had healthy habits that were good to be around, and her nerdiness gave way to her great sense of humor.
When she became ill, I knew she needed someone to drive her to the doctor appointments and take time off. At the time, I was at a job where I was needed constantly, and as a 20-something I thought the harder I worked, the more success I'd earn. It wasn't true.
Eventually her parents convinced her to move back home to get the support she needed. The support I was too afraid of losing my job over.
One can only miss so many days of work to take their "girlfriend" to the doctor.
If it was my wife or my kid, I feel like there would have been more leniency.
But I feared it. I also secretly hated my chosen career, as it didn't really suit me.
While I loved her, and cared for her deeply. When the honeymoon phase wore off, and she gathered that I wasn't going to marry her in the near future, her "true colors" began to show. I'd been in long-term relationships before. And at the time I DID want to marry them, though I didn't have enough money for a ring.
Despite my holding back on asking for her hand in marriage, I was searching for houses and engagement rings.
BUT something in the back of my head caused me to drag my heels. I can't pinpoint what it was, but I knew in my gut that I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life with her.
Partly because she looked at me as being the main income earner for the family she was planning. This was 2008. Everyone was out of work. The idea of being a one-income family on 38k a year seemed nuts. And she would ask me when I was going to ask for a raise. If I'd just gotten a raise, she'd ask me to ask for another one.
While I loved her, and cared for her a great deal, I was never infatuated with her.
Our love life was great...but there was just always something missing that I couldn't put my finger on.

Years later, I met a girl 7 years younger, who was indecisive, coy, playful, funny, flirt, passionate, affectionate, beautiful, had some slight halitosis, and had a habit of playing the field. Sometimes she'd decided we were just friends, sometimes fwb, sometimes lovers.
For a time when she wasn't interested in other boys, we'd date for a bit, and she called me the love of her life. And then later she'd say that she never said that.
Now when I look back, I realize that her habits and behaviors were a very real display of toxic femininity. -The exploitation of society's assumption that women are the "weaker" or "dumber" or "more morally superior" sex and weaponizing it in order to be the opposite without receiving the consequences that a man would receive for the same actions and behaviors; and while also causing emotional damage through these thoughtless actions and behaviors while blaming the men who were the vicitms of this emotional trauma.
Monday (after intercourse): "Daniel, you're the love of my life. We're so much a like. How many children will be have."
Tuesday (on the phone): "Go on a date? Oh...but we're just friends. But really good friends".

And despite looking back and seeing how much emotional trauma she caused me.
She still really was the love of my life. For the times when we were together we played and had fun endlessly. She was sweet and caring. She had her own thoughts and opinions, and kept me engaged. It seemed like she really wanted me around, or needed me. I felt useful. And I naturally wanted to do romantic things with her, like go dancing, buy her flowers, go star gazing...everything a poor man could do with a woman who lived more than an hour away.
...and in the end, when I proposed, she said no.
I hadn't the money for a ring at that point.
Also, a ring shouldn't matter. If she loved me, she would've said yes to me.

Now, as I'm nearing 40. I look back and get the feeling that perhaps, WHY I'm single has more to do with economics than my personality, or my poor taste in women.
I think dating really is all about economics.
The more I can benefit someone, the more their brain tells them that I'm worth their time.
Whether that benefit be my height, my income, the type of job I have, how well connected I am, etc.
For men, we're simple. We base most dating decisions on a woman's personality and physical attributes.
i.e. A woman's physique is to a man's height. A Woman's nurturing qualities is to a man's ability to protect and provide. Etc, etc.
We our all ruled by our subconscious.

I can be as kind and giving as I want to be in a relationship.
And as my love languages are affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time...I tend to project outward the love I want returned.
What I've had to learn is that I cannot expect it back. I give because it makes me feel good. The love you want is the love that you give. And love has nothing to do with receiving.

...but in the end, I am still alone.
Because I'm picky. Because I want to feel attracted to someone, to be their best friend, and to be able to be my hopeless romantic self.
But so are they...and it's been a long time since I was wanted by someone who also wanted me.
As I get older, I start to realize, love IS about economics.
It may not all be about money, but the same rules apply.
It is a cold and dark truth...and it makes me sad that I may never find the love I long for, because I don't I'm figuratively a day late and a dollar short.