"Would you grow your hair long for me?" a man, 79, asked today.
I said no. It's a throwback to my 20's. Weird question on a dating site. I don't even know him.
"We live too far apart to develop a relationship, " I replied. "Expecting someone to change for you is an exercise in futility. The only person I can control and change is myself."
"I am not an object for men's sexual gratification," I continued. "Expecting me to grow my hair long is sexist because it is treating me as a object for your pleasure. Look up "sexual objectification." If you don't understand it you lack empathy for women."
Doubt I got that through his thick head.
For brevity, I did not include his multiple inane messages. Instead focused on this one.
Your thoughts?
14
Enjoy being online again!
Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.Create your free account
16 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.
I agree with ToakRaen.
I see the women's POV as does he, the story is just not presented well. Especially by a writer with your magnificent writing & story telling skills Kathleen.
Anyway, I prefer short hair on a woman. Long hair gets in the way of all those fine, sensitive areas to be kissing and nuzzling up on.
And long gray hair.....no to both sexes.
The 79 yr. old probably desires a "Young Chick"....like in her mid 30's ! LOL !
twill
Level 7
Apr 14, 2022
2
Thanks for your compliment about my writing skills. I appreciate you.
@LiterateHiker and I appreciate your appreciation !
I was engaged to a guy. One day my hair dryer broke so I just let my medium length curly hair loose in all it glory. My mom saw me and said I looked like a witch. When my fiance showed up he took one look at me and said, "I won't be seen in public with you looking like that". WHOA! I said to myself and I to him I said, "well bye". A couple of days later I bought a plane ticket to Seattle to visit a friend and the vacation turned into permanent residency. I started from scratch since I had no interest in going back to NJ to get my car and other clothes. My little sister bought my car and mom shipped some stuff but I jumped off the cliff with no parental parachute.
silverotter11
Level 9
Apr 14, 2022
3
You look beautiful. You hair is gorgeous.
Glad you dumped that jerk. Well done.
I agree that is a ridiculous question or request to make of someone.
I've had long hair most of my life. When I was on dating sites, if a man said he liked me 'BECAUSE' of my long hair, he went in the reject pile immediately. Is that really all he liked? Comments like that don't make a girl feel very valued otherwise.
Before my divorce, I asked my ex-husband to name 3 things he liked about me. He listed my hair and 2 other physical attributes -- he couldn't think of anything at all about my personality or lifestyle that he could list.
A person likes to be valued for more than outward appearances. I would never cut/grow my hair for any man, nor would I lose/gain weight, etc., etc., I like the way I look and and when that changes I update my appearance only to please myself.
I have some wigs and hair pieces I bought years ago to change things up a bit or for costume parties, when I was with my boyfriend, but surprisingly he never wanted me to wear them.
Julie808
Level 8
Apr 14, 2022
4
No wonder he is now your ex-husband.
It is almost on a par with "Would you have breast implants for me?".
anglophone
Level 9
Apr 13, 2022
3
Apt and funny. Thanks for the belly laugh!
MizJ:
@LiterateHiker Long hair is more work and hassle than implants as it requires work every single day. When I was doing hair the clients that were the most appreciative were the ones that I gave flattering low maintenance styles.
My husband preferred for me to have short hair. Of course I had short hair when he met me and I think that has a lot to do with the guys preference. Most of them would prefer we don't change very much. I also prefer to spend my time doing something other than styling my hair.
Like Kathleen my hair is very thick and when I was younger I had it halfway down my back. I couldn't even put it in a ponytail because it was so thick it would not stay up . Putting it up also gave me a headache. My hair was long mainly because I was a young married woman with not enough money to get regular haircuts. The minute I went to work I got my haircut.
Interestingly my son and daughter both prefer women with long hair. My son never dated a female with short hair. I always attributed it to the fact that I had very long hair when he was a baby and toddler. He was a thumb sucker but only with his blankie which I never let him take out of the bed because I didn't want a nasty dirty blankie being dragged everywhere. Whenever he would get sleepy and we were away from home he would grab my hair and suck his thumb using my hair as his blankie. I thought it was better that I did not ask his wife whether he held onto her hair at night. I have no idea why my daughter prefers long hair, when she was little I kept it short and I thought she was cute as a bug.
It appears that your dating site interaction is becoming overpowered by the requirement to teach males about the new reality required by modern women. I hope at least a few successful dinner dates are part of your interaction otherwise I think you're wasting your time. I think Guys with chauvinistic tendencies rarely change at all and almost never from one encounter.
Lorajay
Level 9
Apr 13, 2022
3
Appreciate your great reply, wisdom and support.
Guys with chauvinistic tendencies rarely change at all, and almost never from one encounter. You're right.
Hilarious story about your thumb-sucking son! This is comic gold-
He was a thumb sucker but only with his blankie which I never let him take out of the bed because I didn't want a nasty dirty blankie being dragged everywhere. Whenever he would get sleepy and we were away from home he would grab my hair and suck his thumb using my hair as his blankie. I thought it was better that I did not ask his wife whether he held onto her hair at night.
Like you, putting up my hair gives me a headache. In 2018 for my daughter's wedding, I wanted it up in French twist. So elegant!
Even with hundreds of bobby pins and half-bottle of hairspray, the French twist didn't last for three hours.
The inevitable began before dessert. My heavy hair began slumping like a drunken fat lady...slouching down.... coming undone and spraying bobby pins. I didn't tarry. Introduced myself to Claire's friends, listened and told a few funny stories as my fancy updo slid down my neck.
As I drove downhill from Lake Chelan to home, that French twist came completely undone without touching it. For heaven's sake! At least I tried.
I made my dress with a circular hem for added difficulty. Matched the seams like I did for my first boyfriend's plaid wool shirt. Never again.
Was he bald and was looking to harvest your hair maybe? Could have been lucrative.
phoenixone1
Level 8
Apr 13, 2022
3
79 huh? It sounds like he's seen "Once Upon A Time In Hollywood", and has developed George Spahn fantasies of re-living his second teenage-hood. Just remind him that,as we age there is no going back. And that you'll grow your hair long, when he grows a new set of teeth!
davknight
Level 8
Apr 13, 2022
2
Hmm.
He asked a question. You said no.
He could have asked, "Would you enjoy walks in the countryside with me?", and you could have answered that as well - yes or no.
He could have asked, "Would you go to see 'Little Shop of Horrors' at the theatre with me?", and you could have answered that yes of no.
Similarly you could have asked him questions. "Would you put on a suit if we went to see my mom?" etc. And to those questions he might also have answered yes or no.
I'm not sure he saw his question as anything like as significant as you interpretted it to be.
"Would you grow your hair long for me?"
"No, sorry. I prefer it short."
And the conversation continues - because that's what conversation is. The exchange of words, the asking of questions, the interaction of two people.
But you reacted by assuming a significance that might not have remotely occured to him, and responded with an accusation of sexual objectification which may have been the very last thing on his mind.
So unless there were other things also going on that indicated the sexual objectification that you accused him of, I don't think that one question warranted the accusation.
Sorry - but based on the wording of your post, my sympathy is more with him than with you.
ToakReon
Level 8
Apr 13, 2022
3
You just do not understand.
He wrote several deal breakers: He doesn't hike. Wants to get married. Doesn't cook. Clearly he wants a mommy to take care of him.
At 68, I refuse to wait on a sexist, lazy man-child.
"I'm willing to move to be with you," he wrote. Just NO.
@LiterateHiker Fine, then if there were other factors involved, those other factors might add a significance to the question that the question itself did not have - but your post was about that question, and your reaction to it. That was the only information you chose to present, and therefore that was the only information I had on which to base my response.
So maybe there were other factors involved, that may change the interpretation of the event - but you didn't say that in your post.
Basically your post was "He asked me if I'd grow my hair long, and that makes him a sexist and objectifier of women."
No, it makes him someone who asked you about hair styles.
@Jolanta You're right. I don't 'understand'.
It was conversation. Conversation includes questions. He asked a question about hairstyles.
You answer "No. I prefer it as it is."
Then the conversation continues.
The reaction stated in the post was not justified by the question that was stated as the trigger for that reaction.
Stop mansplaining. You don't understand.
I did not include the dozens of inane messages he sent me. For brevity, I focused one appalling question:
"Would you grow your hair long for me?"
@Larimar It's basing the response on what was actually stated in the post, rather than assuming 'other issues' that were not actually stated in the post.
If your post is "I am stating X, what are your thoughts?" then you respond to X. You don't respond to X, Y and Z, where Y and Z were not stated, but you're expected to assume Y and assume Z even in the absense of them being mentioned.
The post stated that this man asked a question about future hair styles. The post stated that the response to that question was an accusation of sexism and objectification.
The honest response to that post depends on the assessment of whether THAT QUESTION (not 'that question plus all sorts of other stuff that should be assumed without being stated' ) justified THAT RESPONSE.
It didn't.
Don't expect me to assume all sorts of other 'unstated stuff', in order to decide to voice support for a posting that doesn't mention the stuff it expects me to assume.
I'm sorry if this 'doesn't look good to you'. Sometimes honesty works like that.
@LiterateHiker You posted a post. You asked for views. You got my view, based on the words you actually chose to write in your post.
You don't like my response?
Tough. That's not my problem. I'm not going to lie in order to make you feel better. Neither am I going to assume unstated factors, that were not stated in your post, for that same purpose.
You're right. I don't understand.
I don't understand why you believe I should make assumptions about factors that were not stated in your post, in order to voice support for your post.
"Mansplaining is, at its core, a very specific thing. It's what occurs when a man talks condescendingly to someone (especially a woman) about something he has incomplete knowledge of, with the mistaken assumption that he knows more about it than the person he's talking to does."
Really!!! If your pic is current I'd classify your hair as already long.......
Dhiltong
Level 8
Apr 13, 2022
2
My main picture was taken in February 2022. All of my older women friends have short hair. They like the easy care.
My thick hair grows forward. This heavy hair swings forward into my face. That's why I like pulling it back.
@LiterateHiker Maybe there's a dating site for him, 'Old Hippy Chick.com'
It's really important to be assertive (as opposed to aggressive). People need to know where you/one stands at the onset. Nothing gets me going than to have a woman break the gender barrier and contact me first. If things don't seem like they will work out let the other know and not go to the 'easy' ghosting maneuver.
Actually one issue I have with women and long hair is it means having to clean out traps more often. It's not practical. At our 'stage of life' we should be done with all the extra efforts done to please someone else. If we can't do it for ourselves it's not worth it.
JackPedigo
Level 9
Apr 13, 2022
3
Washing my hair, I leap to stop hairs from going down the drain.
I keep my thick hair shoulder-length because I look terrible with short hair. It take an hour to wash and dry it.
In my 20s, I had long hair down to my waist. Washed it in sections. I'm not willing to put up with long hair again.
@LiterateHiker I have cleaned out sooo many traps full of long hair (my first wife had beautiful long auburn hair but I paid for it with work). My late partner had really, really thick short hair. We were once buying a new mattress and when I removed the dust mite cover off the old mattress there were lots of short dark hair embedded in the old mattress. It looked as if someone took a shotgun and loaded it with hair and shot the mattress. My hair is thinning and once I looked up in the shower and there was some of my hair stuck on the ceiling. With hot water loose hair gets caught in the mist and floats up and sticks to the ceiling. It's crazy where hair can end up and the longer the hair the more places it can get. Again, between form and function, give me function every time.
@LiterateHiker My present shower had a special removable trap (I'll attach a picture). It has a lid and cover but all you need to do is remove it, open the lid and clean out all the hair. It works great.
In my opinion It’s because men quite often express a preference for women to have long hair that so many older women wear their hair long when it actually is most unflattering to them and in some cases makes them look much older than a shorter, face framing hairdo would.
I agree wholeheartedly with you Kathleen, “here I am warts and all - take it or not” has always been my attitude. I dress and fashion my looks to suit myself and what makes me feel comfortable in my skin and not to please anyone else, and I can see you do the same. If anyone, especially some random guy on a dating site, wants to change anything about you, then they’re not worthy of even a minute of your time.
Marionville
Level 10
Apr 13, 2022
3
Long gray hair is unflattering for men and women. Ugh.
@LiterateHiker Witches and warlocks spring to mind!
Exactly.
I agree with you, however so many men and women just don't seem to have a mirror. They dress terribly, not what suits them but what is in fashion. Just look how dress codes have gone down the drain over the years.
@Jolanta My mother told me to make sure to view myself from the back as well as the front before setting off!
MizJ:
Being comfortable with our choices of clothing, hair, grooming, etc. makes us more self confident. Self confidence is sexy!
Enjoy being online again!
Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.Create your free account
Share this post
Categories
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.