I got in trouble for talking to my coworker about how much I make

by ALISON GREEN on APRIL 20, 2022

A reader writes:

Recently, I was given feedback from my manager stating they had concerns with confidentiality and discretion when it came to my work. They said it had been brought to their attention that I had shared what my salary was with a team member. My manager did not share who it was, for confidentiality reasons, but I have spoken to person about salary and that is my team member “Rachel.” Both of us are women, started the same week, and I felt it important to share. Rachel had told me she had asked for a raise and been denied for several reasons that did not seem valid to her. I was under the impression this was a private conversation between Rachel and me, and I told my manager that workplaces cannot prevent employees from discussing salary.

My manager then said that Rachel was made to feel that I and/or my work was more important than hers. I remember my conversation with Rachel as me sharing that I couldn’t believe that she was denied a raise and that she deserved appropriate compensation for her work. She didn’t tell me she felt my work or I were more important, but I acknowledge that she could have felt this way. I feel awful that she could have felt this way because I don’t think that my work is more important. In fact, I’m confident the reason I got a raise is that my workload was requiring me to dip into the overtime budget too much, and with the raise, I was moved to exempt.

I want to talk to Rachel about this, but I am concerned because of how this was presented to me by my manager. First, it was about confidentiality and discretion, and then it was about how it made someone feel. Because of that, this whole situation feels off to me. I feel like trust is broken between Rachel and me, and now I am going to be labeled as someone who doesn’t respect confidentiality. My manager mentioned my desire to move within the company several times during our conversation and I’m concerned for my future. Is it appropriate for me to speak with Rachel about this? How do I go about navigating this with my manager? I feel blindsided and am now lacking trust in my team. Am I overreacting?

Your manager is almost certainly BS’ing you. See through the con!

Based on what you’ve shared, the most likely scenario is:

• You and Rachel discussed your salaries and you confirmed her feeling that she should be getting more. You did not make her feel that you or your work were more important than hers.

• Rachel asked your boss for more and cited what you’re earning as part of her case for deserving a raise.

• Your boss is pissed off that you shared your salary with Rachel, because it makes it harder for her to convince Rachel she’s appropriately for her work.

• Your boss wants to discourage you from talking about salary with your coworkers — even though it’s illegal for companies to prohibit that among non-management employees — and so she told you she has concerns about your “confidentiality and discretion,” hoping that would intimidate you into not doing it again.

• When you pointed out that you’re legally entitled to talk about your salary with coworkers, she changed her story and said her real concern was that you made Rachel feel less important than you. (That’s very telling, by the way! Your manager is upset that by sharing your salary, you let Rachel know that the company does indeed value her less in real terms — dollars. But that’s about how the company values Rachel, not how you feel.)

• Now she has you feeling guilty, which means you’ll probably hesitate to share salary information with coworkers in the future, and she’s created tension between you and Rachel, which undermines the solidarity you had formed around salary. That’s a win for a company that doesn’t want salary transparency among its employees and doesn’t want workers organizing with each other.

• She also mentioned your desire to move in the company several times in this conversation, implying that you’ll need to stop talking about salary with coworkers if you want to be promoted … even though it’s illegal for companies to do that. She’s trying to dress it as “discretion and confidentiality” but that’s like objecting to you reporting discrimination because of “manners and respect.”

You get to talk about salary with your coworkers; that’s a right enshrined in law. “Discretion and confidentiality” has nothing to do with it, unless you’re a manager trying to intimidate employees into not exercising a legally protected right … which she is.

I strongly suspect that if you talk to Rachel, you’ll find that her conversation with your manager wasn’t about how you made her feel. It was about wanting more . And yes, part of her argument for wanting more was probably that she feels the company is undervaluing her relative to what they’re you. Those feelings are about the company, not you.

Don’t let your manager’s manipulation work. Consider reporting to HR that your manager implied you wouldn’t be promoted if you continue to exercise a legally protected right. (That says “consider” not “do” because whether to do it depends on what you know of your HR, how your manager might be inclined to retaliate, whether HR is likely to prevent said retaliation, and how much capital you want to invest in this generally.) But most importantly, keep talking to your coworkers about if you’re comfortable continuing. When a company is actively trying to get you not to, that’s a sign it’s all the more important to do it.