Today my friend Bruce, an MSW counselor, texted, "I'm really glad you're able to get into the gym. Put some muscle on your bones!"
My reply-
"I already have muscles. I've been lifting weights and doing pushups at home. Shoveling heavy snow, ice and slush off the parking area. Also running and walking fast.
"I have an ectomorph body type. Look up weightlifting body types. Ectomorph, mesomorph, endomorph.
"I feel sick of being called "skinny" by overweight women. It's hurtful. I would never tell anyone "You look like a round barrel" or "You need to lose weight."
"Women's bodies are constantly criticized. Gregg, a Ph.D. psychologist I dated said I look "fit and trim." That's more like it.
Waiting in line at Joann's Fabrics, an overweight, out of shape woman said, "You need to put some meat on your bones. Men don't like muscles on women. (Bullshit. ) "Men want something to grab onto."
"What brought that on? Her insecurities?"
Bruce replied: "I hear you. I'm so sorry I offended you. I hope you are able to forgive me for making such a misogynistic comment. I think the world of you and reallly hate that I offended you."
Me: "Thank you for your apology. I forgive you of course."
Body dysmorphia is more rampant then even you may suspect.
In some cases it's life threatening.
Fact is Kathleen, you're a 'babe' and respect intended add this to your age. By that, you don't look it and I think you are an extremely attractive lady.
Some women are better looking for having curves and wobbly bits, others are amazing through being lean and toned while those who are between can be beautiful too.
In the end, perfection is subjective.
If I were better toned and fitter than I am, together with living closer to you, I would be proud to be your 'toyboy/toybloke'
Stick to your guns; lean (I prefer that term to thin) and fit is hot; lean + fit + smart = the hottest. And muscles are fine - I think the women at the CrossFit games are beautiful, often stunningly so.
Thank you! I appreciate your support.
Seems like a person just can't win. If you are are overweight...you are fat shamed. If you are underweight...you are skinny shamed. If your body proportions are "ideal"...you are attacked for some other "societal offense" such as hair style or overbite, large feet...ANYTHING that will make the person who is doing the "judging"...feel better about themselves. Flipping through YouTube the other day and of course TikTok has their feeds all over the media sites ... I come across some young girl, sitting on a set of stairs, just showing off her good looks. This is what society has been reduced to...this is the younger generations WHOLE LIFE. Selfies that draw massive amounts of "likes" are the driving force behind our "future leaders". It doesn't matter that they couldn't think their way out of a wet paper bag if someone handed them a "lit blow torch" and said, CUT HERE...All that matters is adulation, regardless of how they get it. It is "Brand Building 101". What is NOT different is the fact that the same thing went on with each generation, simply a different form. I have a high metabolism...as a result I fell under the "skinny kid" category my whole life. I learned a long time ago to just laugh and walk away(the rebuttal insults that went on in my MIND on the other hand would have stopped the offending parties heart). Maintaining weight is a challenge for people on both ends of the spectrum. It is not an excuse to project ones insecurities. Unfortunately projection is championed by the very people we put in positions of authority. Which begs the question, "How do we fix a problem that has become a RALLY CRY for the very people...who are charged with fixing the problem? It's the "fox in the henhouse". We work with the genes we were born with. Fight back when you can...know when it is a lost cause...look for opportunities to redirect the neanderthals. We can improve and tweek and move the bar a little higher. Ultimately we will achieve our best when we accept and work with what we have. And to those who like to body shame...FUCK OFF.
Thank you for your wise and thoughtful analysis.
Like you, I learned long ago to joke lightly ("I prefer svelte, slim or fit" ) and laugh. The rebuttal insults I think would scorch their shorts.
"You have a stick figure," a heavy, unkempt, yawn-inducing gasbag lashed out after I tactfully declined a second date.
"I shouldn't have worn black jeans with that slim black vest," I mused. I thought I looked sexy.
Why do we always remember mean words?
@LiterateHiker this site has some technical issues...I have 3 notifications for your one reply
@ We usually remember the negative things that someone said to us at the end of a relationship, forgetting all the good moments that shared with that person. In the case of a casual encounter in which a stranger says something nasty to us there is nothing else to remember other than their obvious physical features.
If someone compliments us we will remember it for day or two at most. If someone says something nasty we may remember it for a long time. We seem to focus and give our attention to negativite comments for much longer periods of time than we do to passing compliments. Perhaps someone on here will kind enough to provide some insight on the matter.
My guess is that you reminded the overweight out of shape woman of her physical state and she could not bear it. In a state of envy she lashed out at you with an unwarranted and nasty comment on your physique. You look in great shape and no doubt you are envied by other women.
Thank you. I appreciate you.
@LiterateHiker You are most welcome and the sentiment is mutual. I enjoy reading your well written posts.
All I can say is; I am jealous.
You are beautiful just the way you are.
@LiterateHiker Thank you but when I tried on my old dress it was ever so tight and I felt a bit like a sausage in it.
You could try: what allows you to think it's ok to make comments on my body? I've always found questions to be far more powerful than statements or insults because they seem to strike deeper (even if it's; were you born an arsehole or did it take practice?)
I feel you pain because I’ve been thin my whole life. I’m 73. As a child, My mother tried to fatten me up with a raw egg in a milkshake. People have made comments about my thin legs. One gal told me she’d never date a man like me because I wasn’t big enough for her. We’ll she was easily 50+ lbs oversight but I kept my mouth shut. How rude can you get?
I’ve accepted my body. It’s the only one I’ll get. However, in order to do my chores around my property, I keep my muscle strength up with weight and resistance training. For fun I run. I especially like running hills for the challenge.
So, keep up what you’re doing and stand up to the “skinny” insults. You’re not a door mat. Good luck
Like you, I have been thin all my life. At age 21, I finally began appreciating my body. I started hiking, running, weightlifting, downhill skiing and cross-country skiing. My body is fast and strong.
But being constantly mocked for being "too skinny" is painful. Seventh grade was torture. As I walked into science class boys in the back sang loudly:
"She's a carpenter's dream ... flat as a board!"
"She's a pirate's dream ... a sunken chest!"
They fell on the floor laughing loudly. That's when I developed good posture and dignity. Head high, shoulders back, ramrod straight, I icily ignored them.
At 69, I still have good posture.
I the look of tall, skinny men.
@LiterateHiker People think I can eat anything and as much as I want because I don't weigh 400 lbs at 5'-7". I just stopped reponding that I'm careful about my diet. It's really hard for me to now to keep my weight down. So I let them shovel in the chow.
@MsKathleen I would disapoint you because I'm not tall. But I comfortably fit in an airplane seat.
Go into the bathroom, look in the mirror and practice saying, "Fuck off". People should learn manners and stop judging women on their bodies.
While you are there tell yourself how fabulous you are.
@MizJ
Hilarious! I'm not in the habit of telling people to F off.
Of course I mutter it when I get into a jam or do something stupid.
I feel torn between laughter and feeling touched by your calling me fabulous. Thank you.
@LiterateHiker Telling someone to fuck off (when it is warranted) is empowering. Women are taught to be polite and kind, too often we are not taught what to do when encountering BS. Maybe try buzz off and work your way up. Seriously! They will think twice before being rude to you again.
I've been called skinny many times in life and I don't like it. I believe people think it's okay to body shame a lean person and not a large person.
Calling a person skinny is just as offensive as calling someone fat.
Criticizing others shape is cruel and immature.
They would think that we're wrong if we give it back to them.
Good points. You're right that people think it's okay to body shame a lean person but not a large person.
Thank you for your well written, insightful reply.
It amazes me how anyone thinks they can criticize anyone's body. Or anything about them for that matter. Especially at a fabric store which should be a safe place for ALL women. Fabrics don't care what you look like. Being one of the larger types of women, I have had my fair share of body shaming, my dad used to call me fat. The only time I was ever slim is when I was trying to get into the Army and trying to stay in the Army. I try not to judge people on what they look like because looks really don't matter. How they act says it all, and yes, I judge like hell on how someone acts.
I am perfectly willing to tell people I love that am concerned for their health because they are overweight, eat a poor diet, or whatever. And if they were too thin and I knew it was because they didn’t eat enough healthy food, I was again express my concern. But strangers? Nope.