I've just read the comments you received - some amazing stuff, as you could see. There's been a (very) few times in my life when I envied christians - because they got some comfort from it. A case in point - my sister, who is a believer - in times of great stress, goes to sit quietly in her church. I think it's a meditation thing - always she feels better, but she is not an active christian. Have you got a quiet place where you can just sit and empty your mind of worry and woe? Have you ever considered Yoga? good for mind and body

If you were going to church for comfort of any kind you clearly weren't getting it. There's no big kind daddy waiting for us - we have to look to each other. You've made a good move contacting this group. We'rel pretty well ordinary, mostly alone people. I've been on my own for 30 years.

If you miss him that much then you already set things up to get your own answer. Its ok, you don't have to stop believing if you don't really want to..... Let me explain it like this... How do I feel without God???? I feel f#$&ing GREAT !!!!!!.... See??? It works different for everyone ??

Don't "think outside the box". Don't look for another box to replace the one you left behind. Smash the box. Stop seeing boxes.

If you like having a box, by all means, choose to use one--but realize that you don't need one.

And of course, all things in due time. Baby steps. Patience. If substitution is what you need at this time, go for it. You could try:

• All sentient beings
• the universe
• Your higher self
• Ultimate reality
• Unity
• "The Immensity" (my personal conception)

My process involved telling myself "I'm in charge. I get to decide. I'm responsible." It felt intimidating at first, but now it feels expansive and empowering. It takes getting used to.

I understand feeling alone, and reaching out for something solid to grasp onto. It's okay; you'll get used to it, things will get easier. Do what you need to do to stabilize.

But smash the box.

You can always trust US, Fish...really! You've shown great courage in leaving the Witnesses...I'm impressed! Now..my opinion is that you've always been REALLY talking to the inner you when you thought you were praying. The wisest man I've ever known once said..."If you don't know what to do about something...listen to yourself. Something wise and whole in you WILL know what to do, if you listen." I believe him. And, I believe in you!

The nice thing is you

Leaving religion is brutal. (I'm still trying to navigate it with a very Christian family.) Find as many people who you can rely on to connect with face-to-face. Here we all hope the best for you, but the magic of other people sparks our minds greater in person.

Also, keep listening to what you used to hear from the inside of yourself—now just with the freedom to realize that that voice is not divine.

What first feels like the loneliness of not having anyone else in the world perfectly understanding your needs, thoughts, and feelings, may, in time, come to feel like the freedom to never fear that another judges your thoughts, and the comfort that everyone else is alone in this same way as you are. But first, seek contentment in your grief, it takes time to adjust to this deep loss of sensed connection.

Thank you all for commenting,some useful ideas and thought process' I had not contemplated before.

Wow, powerful post.
Welcome and thanks for your honesty.
I can relate, many years ago I felt exactly the same.
You have taken a leap of faith in many ways. A leap of faith away from faith.
Taken that step off the ledge unsure of what if anything will be under your feet.
It will take time.
My first step was realising the hypocracy of churches, then for years I tried to interpret the bible and my beliefs in ways that they fitted with the world I was growing to understand around me, I just mean the natural world.
I recommend you read this as way of looking at things to help dispense with ideas that are not real.
[importanceofphilosophy.com]
It certainly helped me settle things in my mind and become more clear.

Many need to have a sense of something greater, and I found this useful.
[pantheism.net]
Have a look and go to the beliefs section.
Good luck, you will find many others with similar thoughts and concerns.

Like any major life change, it is a process, and moves along in fits and starts for most of us.

Operant conditioning from the cradle means that you have lots of thought habits and ways of framing things that will take time to change. There is no particular hurry though. Be patient with yourself.

I am a former US evangelical, which is a nice way of saying, fundamentalist. Leaving the Church of England (Episcopal church to us here in the colonies) seems easy by comparison in many ways, but as you point out, there are still things to miss that are common to all Christians. Indeed, people leaving "high church" settings like yours often miss the liturgical extravaganzas, the ritual and traditions and costumes and so on.

To your specific questions ... consider that the need to pray to a deity for strength or courage, or even to thank such a being for the beauty in the world, is a form of learned helplessness. You are, most likely, far stronger and more resourceful than you've been conditioned to give yourself credit for. And the proof is this: as you've already discovered, there was no one on the other end of the phone, so to speak, when you were praying. So that comfort you felt ... the sense of guidance perhaps ... all these things were coming from you all along. You just don't need to externalize them anymore. It's all there within you, waiting for you to tap into it.

Gratitude should be expressed to actual actors. If you recovered from illness, thank (in person if you can, or within yourself if you can't) the doctors, medical researchers, chemists and others who directly or indirectly looked after you in your illness. Advice or enlightenment that you actually get comes from trusted friends and family members, books, classes, etc. Personal accomplishments -- you're now free to take credit for those, without fear of being charged with the sin of pride. Beyond that, you're now free to acknowledge the role of simple good luck. You rejoice in good fortune and share it with family and friends. God isn't needed for that.

You do point out one aspect of unbelief that can be more troublesome to address, and that is that you are no longer part of a ready-made community of like-minded individuals, and this can be socially isolating unless you take steps. The two things of actual value that church is capable of providing -- and to an extent even delivers on -- is community and refuge / belonging. Alternatives include work in charitable organizations, especially those that help the vulnerable and unfortunate; secular humanist groups; anyone or anything you can find common cause with. In a way, this should be less of a stretch in the UK, where only 6% of adults regularly go to church, compared to 40% here in the US. I would imagine that people are more accustomed to finding alternatives to church than we are over here in 'Murica.

Of course you can hang out online here, too

I left theism beginning about 20 years ago and I always say it has taken a lot of time and patience to pry old thinking out of my head with a crowbar. It seems overwhelming at first, but you'll get the hang of it!

Oh love your post was very poignant and brave. For much of your life you have had this internal support mechanism who you held in esteem as your creator and safety mechanism. I can imagine losing that must be very painful. We all have an inner voice, it is us. That voice will not go. For me, I talk to myself. I am arrogant enough to think I probably have all the right answers. You are already proving you are courageous, believe in your inner voice. Best wishes xxx