Why do we continually want someone we can’t have?
I’ve vowed SO many times that I’m not going to cry over a particular man anymore. Yet here I’ve been crying off and on for the last 4 hours. Why do we do this to ourselves?
12
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You may find it useful to do some reading on the science of attachment in romantic relationships. Sue Johnson has written a book for lay people called Love Sense which helps explain why and how we love. I consider it a deep strength to be able to love powerfully. Although it hurts terribly to experience the loss of an attachment, it is also a sign of a brave heart. Here's hoping you find someone who deserves what you have to offer and also has the strength and guts to return it.
ejbman
Level 7
May 9, 2018
11
Thanks for the book suggestion, I’ll look into it.
@Marcie1974 Of course. You may also appreciate the work of Brene Brown. Look up her TED talks and videos, or check out one of her books, such as Daring Greatly. Here's hoping you feel better, especially with the love and support of this community behind you 
@ejbman Someone else suggested Brene Brown as well!
There's7.6 billion people on the planet half of them are men honesty if one doesn't want you there are plenty more that will. Seriously if you want to know how desperate guys are download tinder and put the worst photo you've got on there and watch as hundreds of thirsty guys swipe right and try to hit on you it's no good for relationships but should show you just how many guys are out there
LeeMurray
Level 5
May 9, 2018
7
OMG I love that idea! Thanks for making me laugh.
@Marcie1974 seriously when you look at it most men are the same get hung up on one. Not trying to be rude or upset you but if you and this guy had some deep meaningful connection he'd want to be with you. not go online pull some 20 year old guy and have some fun while looking for someone
@LeeMurray You aren't being rude or upsetting me. You all have made me feel great today, thank you! I also put on a pretty dress and lipstick and that always makes me feel better!
I'm REALLY not into younger guys. My oldest child is 19 and I have a rule the guy has to be closer to my age than my kid's. Although truthfully I have a difficult time considering dating anyone more than 5 years younger than me (I'm 44). I've always gravitated towards men 10-15 years older than me.....and even higher than that.
Sorry to hear you have been hurt. You are obviously quite a gentle person.
Human needs/desires, we want lots of things we can't have.
I would change the world in so many ways if i could.
Think about all the guys you could have but wouldn't want?
And they may be asking your same question in reverse.
The bit re mutual feeling is the hard part.
I wash you good luck and chocolate,
if you don't want the chocolate, send it my way.
Rugglesby
Level 8
May 9, 2018
8
Thanks for the point about guys I wouldn’t want. Something for me to ponder.
Because we want love! And we are willing to suffer through the bad ones to get to the good ones. Hang in there, it's out there somewhere. ?
BeeHappy
Level 9
May 9, 2018
6
Thank you!
I think when someone leaves us, we sometimes remember them as more perfect than they really were. I know it hurts. I wish I could help. Someone recently left me, and it hurt so much. You cry and then decide whether you want to try again. I wish I had an answer for you. Best wishes.
DevraisA1
Level 7
May 8, 2018
6
A good question. I think many of us are masters at self sabotage. I mean, we don't want to get hurt. And yet we blunder into situations and that is exactly what happens. Breaking that cycle is not easy.
Sorry to hear that you are hurting.
Palindromeman
Level 7
May 9, 2018
5
Thank you. That’s a good perspective, I appreciate the view.
@Marcie1974 Take care, you.
It's the old "Man's reach should exceed his grasp" thing. And a lot of us fall for that idea as being a virtue. It isn't: it's just another path to frustration.
I actually had relationships with women who were, as they say in high school, "Way out of my league." About the only thing I can say about them is I tended to hang onto them longer than I would have, if I had been completely rational about it. It's amazing how much wealth and a pretty face can sway a guy.
Robotbuilder
Level 7
May 9, 2018
5
That’s a good point, I’ve always felt he was out of my league. Something to ponder....thanks
You can’t always get what you want...
Rick_1
Level 5
May 9, 2018
4
Thanks for that ear worm! Lol....guess what I’ll be listening to today?
@Marcie1974 Paint it Black?
@phil21 I'm more of a Sympathy for the Devil kinda girl but is there really such a thing as a bad Stones song? BTW, I do have my Rolling Stones station on Pandora going. Have yet to hear either Paint it Black or You Can't Always Get What You Want, however I did hear Sympathy.
@Marcie1974 My favorite is probably "can you hear knocking." I'd listen to the Stones, but it is Funky Phunky Phil Thursday.
@phil21 ummmmm, it's Wednesday
@Marcie1974 Holy katz. Ocean Girl, I'm in deep trouble. Thanks for pointing that out. But I'm hearing songs I'd forgotten!
@phil21 sorry to have burst your bubble that it was later in the week than it is. But I'm happy you are hearing songs you had forgotten.
Ohhhh I Can't Get No Satisfaction just came on!
@Marcie1974 Don't tell anyone but ... I prefer the Devo version.
@phil21 not sure I've heard it but will definitely be looking it up. Truthfully, it's not my favorite song of theirs.
Well, you were 4.
My boy Steven is giving me some sweet emotions right now.
@phil21 I'll give it a listen at lunch
@Marcie1974 I've known several women who think ST is the bomb. Don't get it.
@phil21 I know, he's kinda ugly but still damn sexy! That mouth.....can you imagine what he could do with that big mouth?
@Marcie1974 slobber all over you?
@phil21 no comment. You don't need to know what I'd have him do with that mouth, lol
@Marcie1974 YOU brought it up, DEAR!
I'm sorry that's happening to you. Have some good crying and get it all out. Have a good rest & some ice cream or chocolate. These things happen and it hurts. It might be time for either an upgrade or a playmate when you feel like you're ready. Chin up, he doesn't deserve you. We're here for you when you need us.
Emme
Level 7
May 9, 2018
4
Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate them
Because you can't "want" someone or something that you already have. If you want it and can have it, you have it and that want no longer exists. Therefore, you can only want something that you can't have.
msimpson9agn
Level 5
May 9, 2018
3
That's deep man.
@LetzGetReal It would be fruitless for me to discuss this with someone who still wants what they already have. I bid you peace.
We all have different resiliency levels.
I believe that when you truly want to get over it and move on, you will. You will do actions that promote healing of that wound (i.e. zero contact, zero social media stalking), and you will turn your back on actions that prolong the festering.
In the meantime, be gentle and kind with yourself. This humaning thing is not always easy.
BlueWave
Level 8
May 9, 2018
3
Yes I can see what you're saying. I do feel more at peace about stopping contact now than when I tried in the past. I took a good look at how things have played out and realize I was putting in the majority of the effort. Dumb thing is I actually knew it but thought he was worth it. Part of my problem is I'm an empath and nurturer and tend to put others ahead of myself.
@Marcie1974 Reminds me of a quote that says something like "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I have felt like an option once or twice in my lifetime and it sucks big fat donkey dicks.
You'll get there.
@BlueWave while I agree with what you are saying.....I'm not happy about the big fat donkey dicks visual currently in my head. lmfao
Because Jennifer Garner just won't take my repeated phone calls!!
MichaelCole2
Level 4
May 9, 2018
3
humans always want what they haven't got rather than appreciate what they have got.
LeighShelton
Level 8
May 9, 2018
3
I disagree. Always? That hasn’t been my experience.
@Marcie1974 well not always but very often. women with curly hair want straight hair while women with straight hair want curly hair and shitloads more things like that.
@LeighShelton maybe I'm just more satisfied than others. I generally do not have too much dissatisfaction with things I can't change (my curly hair). Things I am unsatisfied with, namely my weight, I know I can change if I put in the effort.
In past relationships I have focused on that person rather than on what else is out there. Perhaps that's why they failed though if other humans are always wanting something else.
Pretty depressing.
@Marcie1974 i agree with you
I suspect it's human nature to try to trade-up. But to do so often meets with many failures, undermines one's confidence and almost assures a life alone. We all love a little bit of a challenge but will certainly be better-off with the one we CAN have than one we can't have.
mtnhome
Level 7
May 8, 2018
3
“The one you love, and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person”
It’s okay to love someone who doesn’t love you back, just as long as they deserve it.
Freethinkerr
Level 6
May 8, 2018
3
Good grief that's depressing. /js
@Qualia agreed
I think part of it is that we see what's appealing to us, and because we only have those hopes and "what if" feelings, it can get to us and make it that much harder to let go of what we want.
We see an appealing person and because we put hope and wants in a wishful mindset, AND we don't know what flaws hey have, it's harder to negate that desire... if we knew that desired person was a slob who was lazy h had bad habits like being rude or hates our pets/interests, etc its be so much easier to let go, ya know?
KainGray
Level 5
May 9, 2018
2
Fuck if I know.
Part of me wants to just let it all go. Lock it in a safe and throw into the deepest part of the ocean. I have a feeling it would somehow float to my house, 60 miles inland.
But part of me is "why would I let it go? It was the BEST time!"
That might not apply to you M74, but it goes to why do we cry at all. Pain? Joy? Sadness?
Mine is wrapped up in all three. We're here to help.
phil21
Level 7
May 9, 2018
2
Thanks! Sometimes I think I need to be tougher emotionally. But then I realize that some of my favorite qualities about myself are my empathetic and nurturing nature. Even if that means I'm easily hurt.
One good thing I've learned since my divorce is that I kinda like myself. I think I'm genuinely a good person. Feels silly admitting that "out loud" but hopefully it comes of as confidence and not connectedness.
@Marcie1974 Mar Sea (I like that, because the words are synonymous!) I totally agree. Oh,how many times I wished I was a self centered bastard, but then realized that's what I most love about myself. It's difficult realizing you love yourself, isn't it? Especially those of us that always put other's feelings first.
@phil21 Oh my gosh I've never thought of my name that way! LOL. Reminds me of a college class where we had to bring in visuals for our name. I brought in a Mars candybar and wrote C on a piece of paper.
It's extremely difficult to feel like I like myself, still working on learning to love myself. Feels selfish. Maybe I should start reading self help books.
@Marcie1974 Brene Brown. Any of her books. Her message: You are worthy.
@phil21 Ohhhhh this one looks good Men, Women & Worthiness: The Experience of Shame and the Power of Being Enough.
Thanks for the suggestion!
@Marcie1974 It's been a while since I've read one. She's here in the Houston area. I've pondered the idea of auditing a class.
Your 'we' must be rhetorical, right? I mean as not including everyone?
It isn't that almost all, if not all of us haven't regarded at some stage of life relationships cultivated with others as 'having' them. It's a notion instilled early as social, cultural and religious fact. This, because ownership and title are considered paramount for all categories of personal security.
It is, however, only a notion that isn't really prerequisite for a rich life and deeply loving relationships outside the societal frame of reference with which we've also been afflicted for like integrating reasons. We arrive in the world alone; are taught that bonding with others means different levels of culturally prescribed entitlement; some from birth itself such as mother or father etc. Later we start establishing bonds similarly by 'having' a best friend, a pet, a boy or girlfriend or a spouse. The point is that loving, human bonds are named and contained within externally imposed bounds or canon. If the orientation was as healthy as claimed, people wouldn't relate to one another as usable today, disposable or recyclable tomorrow; buy it, use it up and discard it.
Some of us reach emotional places requiring no external definition or title; determining relatedness canon mutually and internally in a natural self-asserting, self-regulating way. Love isn't exemplified by making a deal but by sharing of free intention and charging one of another in internal security only possible by admiring, trusting and especially KNOWING each other. Nature does the rest and surrender is no element whatsoever of an external trade or entitlement. Actually it's half as good at best.
In our pathogenic society what passes for sexual intimacy is regarded as some kind of service or commodity, which like other commodities calls for a price or exchange. Nature and love are not subordinate to human contrivances. It works the other way around and we ignore it, as one can see by social conditions, at our peril with Nature being trumped and frozen out in favor of dictated substitutes.
My answer is that 'we' who continually seek wholeness or happiness by having anyone are doomed to disappointment because having and being had by others substitutes for love's optimal, natural promise. People never get enough of substitutes; especially the left-brained ones.
Silver1wun
Level 7
May 9, 2018
2
Honestly most of what you said went over my head. Are you basically saying we/I should just be alone? Aren’t humans, for the most part, social creatures?
Ive learned to not dwell on a single person or rush into getting serious with someone else. I want to find someone I adore and who feels the same about me. We can't make anyone want us, which was a hard pill for me to swallow. If they don't though all we are left to do is move on.
MrBrightSide
Level 5
May 9, 2018
1
Good advice but easier said than done for myself.
Because we’re inherently masochistic.
Gatovicolo
Level 8
May 9, 2018
2
Hit the nail on the head there. So to speak...
At the risk of being trolled by the religious "gender binary" crowd, who think "all females" and "all males" are exactly alike, the trait of "falling in love" and longing for the unattainable is a male trait, found on the right side of the hemisphere of the brain (where studies show most male traits are located).
The "falling in love" trait is useful because it keeps sexually promiscuous men in thrall to one person long enough to help raise the children and increase his chances of continuing his DNA line.
However, women who are masculine enough in traits to be able to "fall in love" are put at risk. Being besotted with a man, forgiving all, taking him back no matter what he does, etc., puts her at risk from harm once the man realizes there are no consequences for his bad behavior.
Most cis (people who identify with their birth genders), hetero women with strong female traits, like most of my US women relatives and friends, wouldn't put up with any nonsense from men, and in fact, wouldn't date unsuitable men to begin with.
They are the picky choosers, who look over the eager male suitors, and choose the one with most advantages for THEMSELVES. They would never date some dangerous loser, and even if they choose someone who later disrespects them, they don't hesitate to throw their stuff on the lawn and change the locks.
However a masculine trait woman is likely to keep longing for a cheating lover, finding excuses to call him, etc., as men do with women lovers who leave them.
Everyone is actually on a gender trait/sexual orientation/gender identity spectrum, by percentages. Studies show that even the most "femme" women and "macho" males only have about 80% of birth gender traits.
Studies also show that the further the "gender trait" marker slides toward the middle of the scale, toward androgyny (mixed gender), the higher the IQs. but the less successful these people are in procreation or long-term relations. Their high IQs also usually mean they are likely busy being inventors, writers, actors, directors, etc.
People on the most extreme ends of the gender trait spectrum, the most "femme" women and "macho" men, are the most statistically successful at long-term relationships and raising children, since their behaviors are evolved to match gender expectations. But they also have the lowest IQs, statistically.
By the way, if you start to troll me for this comment, I'll just block you.
birdingnut
Level 8
May 9, 2018
2
Do you consider any challenge to the accuracy of your statements to be "trolling"? I ask because there are a number of factual errors and misleading statements in your comments. I am by no means religious and certainly not a proponent of a gender binary worldview. I am, however, well educated in neuroscience, trauma, gender studies, and the science of attachment.
@ejbman I doubt it. You only "see" the articles and books within your own interest/belief paradigm. I have no wish to start debating with you and I will block you if you start yelling "fake news!" and acting all know it all. I really don't care if you believe it or not. Just move along to another post and troll someone else.
I know what I'm talking about, having lived as gender fluid (that means the person switches back and forth between the gender mode sides, and in my case I didn't even remember what I did while in the opposite gender modes).
I only became a blended androgyne, aware of being both genders modes at the same time, after I started taking the Thai herb, derris scandens, which blends me into an androgyne, able to remember both sides. If you continue to go after me, you will be blocked.
I'm not interested in your opinion since you apparently have never specifically studied this, as I have.
@birdingnut Interesting stance. I have actually done quite a bit of gender studies, and personally know a number of folks who identify as genderfluid, genderqueer, and transgender. I certainly don't argue any of the points you make about your own experience. However, I do take issue with comments you've made about the brain and "male traits" and so on, both from my own experience and my scientific knowledge. I'm curious as to why you brook no debate. I imagine it is because you've had hurtful experiences with people trying to gaslight you about your own experience. That would make anyone defensive. But if you are incapable of engaging in civil discussion which disagrees with your views and which points out factual errors in your science, then you probably do want to block me right away. I hope you do if that's the case, because I joined Agnostic.com to be able to have discussions with people who are not tied into false belief systems, impervious to change by evidence.
@ejbman Ive read hundred of studies, books articles, surveys since I found out I'm androgynous and a partial transmale in 2014, and yes I will block you.
I have no interest in debating some "fake news!" alt right type, and your opinion doesn't matter to me. I'm NOT "debating" anything.
If you don't like it, just move along and troll someone else. I'm weary of this website acting no different from the alt-right Facebook groups.
@birdingnut It’s really interesting that you bring up alt-right, somehow suggesting that my opinion is in that vein. It’s especially interesting since I consider myself progressive instead, and most everyone who knows me considers me that way also. Again, I wonder where you get the chip on your shoulder, why you think you have a right to make blanket pronouncements as if you know what you are talking about, and what makes you think anyone cares whether you block them?
Whether you read this and reply or not, I’m just here as the voice of reason, to say that you have no right nor evidence to make pronouncements about what constitute masculine or feminine traits, nor whether those traits are associated with falling in love, nor what the purpose of falling in love might be. There is solid research contradicting a lot of what you said, and for other parts, you gloss over important nuance in a way that is deeply misleading.
For example, I happen to agree that people are much more physically and mentally androgynous at birth than most people would think. But you have completely failed to acknowledge the role of cultural factors, family factors, and individual experience factors in the eventual gender expression of any particular person.
The very fact that you think you can identify traits such as an ability to fall in love and promiscuity as masculine means you have no idea what masculine means; you appear to be ignorant of your own cultural encapsulation with regard to gender binary language, even as you seem to promote a broader understanding of gender. It’s a bit contradictory at best.
You seem to be suffering from a great lack of understanding around the complexities involved in the interactions between genes, culture, and experience. Have you read any Sapolsky?
I’d like to point out that the frustration and confrontation you may detect in my tone is a direct response to the defensive and frankly arrogant attitude I detect in yours. Perhaps I shouldn’t take the bait, but I feel a bit irritated when someone acts like an expert on something they are actually ignorant about, and act defensive and arrogant about it to boot. I expect better among those who are past gods and spirits.
Like everyone else, we are sorry for your pain. Better luck next time, just don't give up.
GipsyOfNewSpain
Level 9
May 8, 2018
2
Thank you, I won’t give up.....not in my nature as far as this goes.
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