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Why are people stuck in relationships that are basically roommate's you pay bills with?

Why do people stay in relationships if there is no affection or sex life whatsoever? I personally know multiple married couples that are in this situation..it is seriously alarming and kinda makes one lose hope of finding that special someone..

  • 10 votes
  • 66 votes
Ravenwolfcasey 7 May 29
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2

I asked a guy I had a short relationship with, why if he was so unhappy at home doesn't he just get a divorce. His answer was "she's a perfectly nice woman, why ruin her life too?" He never had a stay at home job their entire marriage. He'll probably end up divorced after he retires.

Wow...and very sad this is what it's like now

12

It’s a drag being alone, but it’s worse to be alone and married.

Agree 100%

10

Because of capitalism and the hardship it creates. Because people can't afford to have a place of their own. It's too expensive on a low income.

Totally agree.

7

It can get expensive to split up, especially if your partner has half equity in the house and property. I am intimately familiar with this aspect. Digging living alone, but it's taken a toll on my finances.

My dilemma for sure. We share common children and grand children....and are financially dependent on one another. We used to be friends and lovers. Now we are neither. She has always been a negative ? person .

6

Kids usually. And money.

6

I believe society has conditioned humans into a social conscious perspective about what a social norm is, and to be anything less, is far from being normal. Commonalities subject humans to stereotypes, however complacency is feeling at home.

As a society we move from social acceptability to creating an Artistic Life. I mean if we wish to break down the concepts, we can. I believe the answer has already been stated.

Survival becomes necessity, becomes paradox, becomes idealism, becomes socially accepted, becomes social norm, becomes myth, becomes questioned, becomes rationalized, becomes questioned, yes I know, becomes cathartic, and then we realize we did not find ourselves before we jumped into something that we learned from socially inferring that we did the correct thing.

Yes love is a real emotion, that is truly powerful, like the Gravity a mother exerts on her child. And sometimes, two people find each other, and they also exert a Gravitational Symbiance. Rare it is when two persons find what they are looking for in the universe.

Carl Jung would say, "synchronicity."

Etre Level 7 May 30, 2018

Yeah, you also just described Hegelian dialects but on a personal relationship level 🙂

6

I don't see how sex is necessary in a relationship. Or to convey love for that matter. Not to put it down, I just treat sex as a very seperate phenomenon kinda like a trip to the movies or visiting some far distant vacation destination. Nice, to do But not mandatory. Demanding sex or requiring it as a stipulation to express love in a relationship is abuse in my opinion. I know a lot of people here aren't fond of bible quotes but every once in awhile they come in handy.... Remember the passage " love is patient, love is kind...etc."? I don't recall it saying love is sex. Just sayin

I agree. It drives my crazy when I hear some men talk about women who "withhold sex", as if it's something they are entitled to.

Agree. Love and sex are mutually exclusive. You can have one without the other , but the combination of the two, makes both richer.

6

I, personally, am not a big fan of sex so that sounds perfect really. I'm changing my "looking for" to "awesome roommate for life" instead of "someone to marry"

You have the right idea!!

6

I think the assumption is that these relationships are unhappy, but that's not always the case. If it is, then I believe the dissatisfaction from lack of sex or affection is trumped by the fear of ending the relationship and the discomfort it could bring. It's a whole new change of life that involves dividing assets, starting over, fear of being alone and, when there are children involved, can cause a lot of pain.
As easy as it is to look into these relationships and wonder why, it's just as easy for those who co-exist in passionless dread to look out into the single world and observe that it's possibly no better. During a time when typing words on a screen is the most used and desired form of communication, people are judged for there "swipe right" appeal, and eye contact is reserved mostly for one's phone, trading in a sexless relationship for this alternative (from their perspective) may not have that much appeal.
The shorter answer may simply be that attachment is a very powerful thing. Even things that don't thrill can provide security and emotional comfort. Fortunately it has never been my personal experience, but I understand it.

Insightful and very true.

Fantastic answer

5

I'm not sure. It really depends on the couple.

For a great many people the companionship is enough. The partnership and bond is enough. Not everyone has a huge sex drive and to share a life with their best friend in the world just makes more sense considering.

It's also important to understand here that many take marriages as an important contract and that they take it incredibly serious so divorce just isn't an option.

Of course there is also a fear of being alone. I run across that a lot. It seems to run that line of "I'd rather be with someone who makes me unhappy than be alone and lonely." Go fig... that one I don't understand because I am happy alone more often than not. If I became horribly unhappy with my own husband I'd be just fine alone.

It's also important to understand in some marriages money and the value of their joint worth just isn't worth splitting up. Those are usually people who are quite miserable but it is their choice to put financial wealth ahead of self worth and happiness.

AmyLF Level 7 May 30, 2018

In response to your comment about being alone. I've found for myself. When I lost the fear of being alone and learned to love myself, for who I am, loneliness was less of an issue. I found too that it changed the "Outer me" I had more "attraction" to others. But. that's not to say I am willing to be alone for the rest of my life nor do I feel comfortable dying alone... It's just easier to not be "lonely"...that make sense?

@Lazarus Sure, it makes sense to a degree. I just find it a lot easier to be alone. That isn't to say I don't treasure friends and family, I do, quite a bit. It just doesn't make sense to me for people to cling to someone who just isn't good to them or for them. That's all. There are too many people in this world without someone to think the one you have has to be the only one.

@AmyLF Yes I understand and agree. Took me longer than it should have to realize this.

5

Most stay because it's their comfort zone and leaving it would mean doing actual work for themselves.

That's why it's called work...

5

I mean... Let people do what they want. If the want to fuck like banobos, then great. If not, then there's no shame in that either. I kind of go through cycles myself depending on time, stress, and general interest. It sounds like you know what you want, so get it. If it changes later on, then that's ok too. People put this pressure on themselves and it isn't good. Fuck like a porn star, keep a house like Martha Stewart, train like Michael Phelps... it's ok to just do what you do, not be an expert, and go through cycles on intensity and relaxation. Be better than yesterday - no need to compare with others on these things.

5

My relationship with my wife ended when she realized that I was a cross-dresser.
We stuck it our for financial reasons and then an extended illness. She died last year. I miss here in some ways--we were together 33 years, but I am happy now to live as I want. Nobody to criticize me or tell me what to do. My two poodles don't seem to mind what I wear.

Sorry for your loss

That is huge. I ran into this not long ago. Have no problems with it except not attracted to it and would HATE to be the one to quell it. No desire to stop someone from doing that. Some of my favorite people in life live this way.
Just don't conceal it and make it very clear how the 'margins' work as many of us that may otherwise be attracted simply don't get it.
There are also levels to it. I loved being able to slap some of my clothes on my late dh for fun when we first got together. He rocked it like a star tho it wasn't his thing.

4

I've been in both and prefer being single to being in a lifeless marriage

I'm with you tried to tough out a dying marriage but eventually decided it couldn't be saved.

4

What I find disturbing is the number of couples who stay in sick relationships. I know too many people who have been married for a long time, dislike like each other immensely, and stay together. They are hurting and causing hurt but can't break away. They're afraid to be alone or have money problems. It's very sad.

I agree I also don't understand it...I know many people that are extremely unhappy...

The thing is, you can see the problem, but would they really be happier alone? My parents got divorced when I was in my 20s. Everyone thougt it was a good thing. But my mom is still alone after years and I'm not sure if she's more or less happy. My dad seems less happy, although he has a girlfriend. Maybe some people do great after a divorce but some are still miserable.

I definitely am not afraid at being alone! I feel more lonely when I am with my wife

4

Been there, done that, do not want to do it again, unless ............. 🙂

4

I would rather be alone then with someone who did not wish to satisfy me sexually

Hi, I just joined this chat and noticed your comment. May I ask, if sexual satisfaction all there is to a relationship? Are relationships based on sex alone? I don't mean to sound like a troll or be negative. I'm of the opinion that sex is "icing on the cake" so to speak. There had to be some personality traits that attract you to another person, right? I mean you don't have sex right out of the gate and then determine if that's someone you want to be with, or do you? Seriously, I'm just asking and not trying to hassle you about your comment...

@Lazarus affection and mutual respect is more important than sex obviously but to me being in a committed relationship one should want to express themselves with their significant other...and not feel that it is a burden

@Lazarus JMO but it depends on what stage one is in life. Personally thought i was "no mo sexual" until just recently, so for now, it still matters a great deal to me.
When I was younger it would have been an absolute deal breaker & was the type to "interview" early to avoid getting attached and have that not work out. I did run into some strange things that way and escaped dealbreakers from that method. (hello, you too jesus'd up to do the thing? I can't touch you but you can touch me? Uh NO.)

@Qualia I understand. Your point about "when you were younger" struck a chord. I agree. My own parameters were based on sexual compatibility and then all the other things like shared interests, shared goal etc. It wasn't until I "matured" that I realized, sexual gratification was the frosting on the cake. If the rest of the relationship was working well, the (sexual) rewards were all the more enjoyable.

@Qualia, @Ravenwolfcasey Absolutely! Freedom of expression is our right both by the constitution, and spirituality. No one, NO ONE should be held back nor criticized for their beliefs or opinions by a loved one.. Agree to disagree, but don't let it be a deal breaker. True it's far better to be with some one you are compatible with in as many areas as possible. There has to be some differing areas , but when they get to the pint of interfering with compatibility, then yes, question it and either find a solution or move on. That OMO is why "dating" is a good way to filter out what works and what doesn't. "It's not often easy , it's not often kind, but did your ever have to make up your mind?"

@Lazarus I don't want to be with someone who can't stand to look at me & not remotely attracted. So assume that's important for others. You can have attraction without a relationship, but you can't have a relationship without some sort of attraction.
Maybe not far 'round the corner below the waist won't matter, but right now it does.
That said I have met someone who could be dickless & in a wheelchair & it wouldn't matter to me I'd still be wildly attracted = sexy mind.
But most times I'm too spitfire for the average guy.

@Qualia well said and I agree.

3

Inertia.

3

I was caught up in here is a pretty girl who likes me at first. She had family problems and next thing I knew, I had a family problem and ended up dropping out of school. I spent 28 years trying to help and foolishly optimistic that she was going to grow up and we would finally be happy together. I was proud of our relationship lasting even as it grew more and more toxic. She fed my worst habits, I think in part for feeling guilty about hers. I honestly have to say their was a point where I stayed out of fear I would find no one better. That I was too old to start over, too heavy. But as she kept drinking, hurting herself, and actively resisting help I realized I was not going to be able to trust her. I think people stay because their is a comfortable norm that sets in. A stagnation that says stopping this is definitely going to be worse than the norm, and then I have to go through to drama of new people, new lives, financial hardships. I think a ton of people are happy to turn to porn instead of embracing the risks inherent in change.

Wow! I have suffered in codependent relationship too Dearheart...but I learned like the old adage says..I can do bad all by my self...so happy to here you was able to shake it.

I can 100% relate my friend

3

In my case it is a combination of financial and having a child at home. I really can't afford to move out right now and my son has three years left in school. I plan to move once he is done and will have enough money to do so by then.

3

Lots of times it come down to financial reasons. Some people are still able to be friends after breaking up and can't afford to live on their own.

3

Maybe it makes rent easier to pay? Most people can't last financially without a roommate or at the very least makes money tight. It seems more difficult to purchase a home or sustain an apartment on your own. It's probably just out conviniemce, the only difference is they aren't in a romantic relationship anymore.

3

All different people with all different reasons for what they're doing ...

3

Financial considerations make people do all kinds of things they would rather not do, like live with people they don't like much or flip burgers wearing a paper hat or scrub porcelain fixtures.

3

I told myself to get the hell out but I wouldn't listen.

2

YOu said in your original bit,,' if there is no affection' 'or sex life' - I am in an extremely loving relationship and neither of us wants/needs sex. In the questions there isn't that option. I wouldn't rather be single. I really love my partner we aren't in each others pockets but live in the same sheltered housing scheme in our own flats and see each other at certain times like for dinner and later maybe to watch I -player

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