Should you use the word "sex" in your profile?
Today I received this message from a man in Australia:
“You have a fine bio and a set of photographs which has understandably resulted in a huge following. However, what you enjoy does not quite match up with your proclaimed need to intimacy, no mention being made of love or sex. I suspect that you are asexual and therefore, not compatible with my needs.”
In society’s eyes, a very real dichotomy holds sway: you are either a sexless, socially acceptable “mommy,” or a bad girl who purrs and oozes sex. His message reeked of the Madonna/Whore complex.
With online dating, it is dangerous for women to explicitly mention sex in their profiles. I learned this the hard way, after being deluged by messages from sex hounds.
So, I deleted the word “sex” from my profile, replacing it with “intimacy.” Also removed “naked body." Previously, I wrote:
“Skinny dipping at night made me a lifelong sensualist. In August the lake was warm as bath water. Icy cold streams flowed up from the bottom. Swimming after dark through the warm water, I dived down and let the cold streams caress my naked body. The feeling was exquisite.”
Oops. This triggered an avalanche of sexual come-ons. I downshifted to:
“Skinny dipping at night made me a lifelong sensualist. August evenings at the lake were warm as bath water, accentuated by icy cold streams flowing up from the bottom. It was an exquisite experience I long to share.”
My profile describes me as intense, playful and passionate. “I miss the tender touch, laughter, conversation, intimacy, teamwork and fun of a committed, loving relationship."
Isn’t that enough?
15
Enjoy being online again!
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27 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.There's nothing wrong with you or your profile. I think he was just being an overly critical dickhead. He didn't need to critique you. He just wanted to reject you, and make sure you knew it. He could gave just kept scrolling, but noooooo.
KKGator
Level 9
June 2, 2018
8
@KKGator
"Overly critical dickhead" is hilarious. As if I would be interested in a man from Australia. Thanks for the laugh!
There are some on here that just looooove that shit! ONE scared me, the other caught me in a mood and earned himself a keyboard tongue lashing.
@LiterateHiker I think I encountered that one too. Immediate block!
Let us face it and it is very sad, being a woman is dangerous from berth to death with men around. you should be able to say what you like.
LeighShelton
Level 8
June 2, 2018
10
THIS ^^^^^
I hope you tore him a new one Kathleen. You write your bio however you damn well please.
It's VERY clear if anyone bothers to read any of your comments, that you're clearly not dead below the waist! Heck if I was a guy I'd be wishing to ask you out!
I love your posts. You sound like a looooot of fun!
ps. I didn't put sex on any of my stuff because well, duhr, if you(global) can't be bleeped to read any of my posts or comments... dept of obvious stuff. That and thought I was indeed dead below the waist until recently...
Qualia
Level 8
June 2, 2018
7
@Qualia
Here she comes to save the day! Qualia is on the way!
You are a delight. Thanks for your kind words.
@LiterateHiker Awwww shucks blush not only is your mixtape on fire you are so very sweet :x. I do hope you find someone worthy of your time beautiful lady 
and don't suffer these fools!
@Qualia
Can you suggest smackdown lines for horndogs who send sexual messages?
I don't think that way. As a high school senior, classmates gave me three awards:
Best Manners
Most Poised
Best Dressed (I made all of my clothes, including prom dresses).
I try to be kind and polite.
Have at it, darlin'!
@LiterateHiker You want me to Cyrano de Bergerac you? LOL
Well, I don't have a great deal of patience for assholes and these days having bouts of "meno rage" here & there things get interesting, so sure, shoot me some on a fiesty day & we'll see what sort of thing comes out?
I'm very sweet really(LOL) (or so I'm told), but am not such a people pleaser anymore, it just depends. My threshold for being "splained", particularly with something to do with my bio (and this HAS happened) where I'm not approaching but someone goes out of their way to be nasty because why? I'd have chewed that cretin up into little pieces if they'd msg'd me something like that. If they're scary however I just block. THAT'S happened too.
Can I ask? Did he or you make the initial contact? I ask because my initial response was if he was the one that initiated contact after seeing your profile, why would he even bother messaging you if he knew you weren't compatible? But, understandable if this was his response to a message you may have sent him. If that is the case, it is nice that he at least replied with an answer. It is more than I get. I hope I am making sense. It makes perfect sense in my head. ?
Either way, I agree with the dichotomy you present. One thing that has always bothered me is that a man that beds a lot of women, is considered more of a "stallion" or "stud". Whereas, a woman that gets around is a "whore" or "slut". I've never understood that. Is it because a woman that has multiple partners is not considered lady-like and that it is just something that is expected from men?
Your writing is magnificent. I wish I had that talent. You could start a business creating dating profiles for unimaginative people like me. ?
Aushra
Level 6
June 2, 2018
6
@Aushra
He initiated contact by sending me that message.
Thank you for your compliment on my writing. Aw...gee..shucks...(sound of scraping hiking boot)
"why would he even bother messaging you if he knew you weren't compatible? "
There are some no class MFrs on here who have nothing better to do than troll women who aren't doormats. Some of whom even claim to be "liberal". Yeah, ok.
You express yourself quite well, even though you’re a w... kidding,
I don’t know how the comparisons of sexual experience makes one a hero and the other a villain, but it did... it’s likely how men screwed up the rest of the world.
@Tomas
Love your sense of humor!
@LiterateHiker As a Feminist Atheist I distinguish people of maturity. ...a girl who uses men and manipulates women could be a lifelong abuser anti-Feminist. ...a boy who uses women and manipulates men IS A MALE ENTITLEMENT poster boy for patriarchy COSBY WEINSTEIN CLINTON TRUMPolini pussygrabbers. ....I dream of marrying a writer who is a naturist like me....our energy is drawn from Earth for us to share intimately. ....our species is nurturing not bellicose or theocratic rapacious
@LiterateHiker What a douche bag! ?
I don't think you sound asexual at all and agree your description sounds as though you are passionate when it comes to love and life. I understand your frustration. Any indication at all of desiring sexual intimacy as a part of a relationship will often attract those who are just looking for sex and not the relationship part. It's unfortunate we find ourselves censoring and editing our descriptions to avoid those misinterpretations, only to be misinterpreted from the other extreme!
LunaGreenwitch
Level 5
June 2, 2018
5
@LunaGreenwitch
Exactly.
"Any indication at all of desiring sexual intimacy as a part of a relationship will often attract those who are just looking for sex and not the relationship part."
Well said. Thank you for your support.
@LiterateHiker I gather most people here are older than child bearing age. ...fertility and sex are most relevant to marriage and family planning. ...bonding between parents is not exclusively for the young. ...this DATING SITE seems to hide privately most new couples while PROLIFERATE with our extreneous ideas freely shared. ...to want a love bonding relationship should not be censored, self censored or assumed to be a defective character of promiscuity. ...sadly male entitlement feelings seem common here amongst Atheists. ...if a young woman chose me here I would hope for a son so we could teach him Feminist Atheist birthrights of our species
If anything, you're being too flexible.
Your profile is very enticing the way it is.
AstralSmoke
Level 8
June 2, 2018
5
Darn, I like the first skinny dipping description better.
Describing the experience, I was in a delicious fever, choosing the most concise, potent words ( powerful, mighty, cogent, persuasive).
Thank you for your compliment on my profile. Half Irish, I'm a born storyteller.
Kathleen
@LiterateHiker if you like the original better, you should go with what represents you the best. Maybe be prepared with a good smack-me-down line for the 6th graders.
@AstralSmoke
Can you suggest a great smack-down line? I'll ask Qualia, too.
@LiterateHiker Flatter him somehow and then tell him he isn't your type. If he writes back, don't reply.
@AstralSmoke
Very funny! That's a real tease.
@LiterateHiker ask @Qualia, I'm sure she'll have a better answer.
@AstralSmoke LOL. Am I that bitchy on here? wicked grin
So, he wants you to conform to his idea of what you "should" be. Screw him. Be you.
LimeySteve
Level 7
June 2, 2018
4
@LimeySteve
Concise and to the point. Nice.
@LiterateHiker I see no reason to sugarcoat things. 
Dang! when I read these things I always get this overwhelming gut surge to apologize on behalf of the male human population that some amongst us are real fucking jerks;
Disclaimer: the views, thoughts, and opinions expressed in the text belong solely to the author, and not necessarily to the author’s gender population, gender organization, gender committee or other group of the same gender or individuals like myself. Please accept our sincerest apologies from most individuals of my gender.
Sorry that you (and all other women trying to have a normal life) have to endure these micro-aggressions.
Lukian
Level 8
June 2, 2018
4
@Lukian
Thank you for your kindness. I appreciate you.
Kathleen
@LiterateHiker blush
I hate dating sites. I usually get bombarded with naked pictures and crude remarks. Really sad. ?
kc_anthony
Level 5
June 2, 2018
4
nice try
EMC2:
I too have been on dating sites and also will state I have received many naked photos of the woman I am talking with, I did not ask for it but got the pics anyway,
Now I do not mind but it does make a decision for me very fast. If you want to send nudes of yourself, go for it, but this is not in my way of things.
I'm gay so pictures are a but different but umwarented none the less.
Yes. It's a red flag.
With ANY male who disses, dismisses, insults, or even angrily argues with you, it's time to hit the "block" button before you waste any more of your time.
A cis hetero man is typically wired to be respectful of women and loyal to his partner (I'm only a partial transmale, but I am also), but many men on this website have mixed gender characteristics, also associated with high IQ, and are critical, moody, and picky with women.
Any sign of this and I hit "block."
Been there, done that with those types.
birdingnut
Level 8
June 2, 2018
5
I think he extrapolates wildly from a few words or lack of words. I think you have a good approach. If someone doesnt want to ask a few questions for clarity at some point they might just be too busy
btroje
Level 9
June 1, 2018
4
@btoje
Thank you. I agree that he extrapolated wildly.
Someone needs to get their thinking straight. First he mentioned: "...no mention being made of love or sex. I suspect that you are asexual" and then "With online dating, it is dangerous for women to explicitly mention sex in their profiles' So which is it, mention or not mention the word sex? Maybe being from 'Down Under' the thinking is also a bit whacky. Why not use sex in one's profile. Remember, this is a virtual media.
JackPedigo
Level 9
June 2, 2018
2
When I read the quote from his message, my first thought was "What a jerk". He deserves a smack upside the head.
pixiedust
Level 8
June 2, 2018
3
mack? as in truck?
Compartmentalized fucking or friends with benefits are the lies two fornicators agree to. ....lovers sing dance and marry each other. ...I do not have separate ethics in or outside a bedroom....intimacy is all that is left we have in common with honey bees and swans....money with religious lies printed on it has corrupted our natural nurturing species nature
Actually, direct the smack to where he is thinking from. That will likely get through to him. Ouch.
Practically every male written profile , specifically says he wants sex . As far as I can tell , if a female profile says she wants sex , nothing else she writes matters. He'll show up for the sex , and consider anything else afterwards , maybe .
Cast1es
Level 9
June 2, 2018
4
@Cast1es
Exactly.
Thank you for calling them: male as they are NOT MEN. ....real men give love negotiate and affirm real women choose according to their heart head and stars. ...we both do. ....probably zero boys here understand Georgia O'Keefe or Henry Moore. ...nor Collette, Anais Nin or Steinem. ...I try to emulate Marcel Marceu. ...our body language = mime. ...our true feelings are a fountain from umbilicus. ...we are CENTERED not pointed
I think religion and war cults train boys to rape rather than grow up pure from our nurturing families. ..."sex" is how babies are made while making love is the shared choice of intimacy. ...romance is treasuring company kisses dressing up and going out. ....circumcizing infants and girls is given the PASS undeserved under so called religious freedom. ...maybe jerks would be men if allowed to wash intact penis flesh instead of amputation without pain killers. ...of course women are taught ever since being diapered that a vagina is dirty and only whores use one without being owned by a churchman
Like you, I love artists Georgia O'Keeffe, sculptor Henry Moore and feminist writers Collette, Gloria Steinem and Anais Nin.
Your punchline is hilarious!
"...we are CENTERED not pointed."
You could have fooled me.
Yep. More than enough.
Holy crap!!
After my initial one line response, I read through all the other responses to your post. If the ladies' responses are even half true, (and on this site, I'm inclined to believe they're 100% accurate), why the hell do any of you interact with these cyber-dating applications at all?
bigpawbullets
Level 9
June 2, 2018
1
This isn't the first post I've seen from women who seem to draw the attention, especially critical attention of grown men who express themselves like juveniles. It led me to wonder how prevalent is this crap? Do you females really get such a surge of obnoxious and judgmental indictments from males with whom you've never communicated, let alone met??
I've only been on this about six months. Visitors number around 150. about 21 women have sent private messages, all of them mature and civilized.
Maybe this comment ought to be a post. Too many guys posting anyway. They really are in greater numbers but often with less to say or just stuff to link. Anyway, I know it's tougher for females. Is it really THAT TOUGH though?
Silver1wun
Level 7
June 1, 2018
3
YES!!!
Here's a great book. "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker illustrates how life is different than men can ever imagine. It's a fantastic book and I feel could save many lives (of both genders!) and should be required reading in schools.
@Qualia Thank you, will look into it.
I am of the age that i just want to get to know you, before that word enters the situation. i am always open, as i am a man, but it is never considered by me to be given or after three dates. if it is meant to happen, it will. lord knows there is already so much pressure to delay sex is never a problem.
racnismylife
Level 5
June 3, 2018
2
Sex is not a taboo word ! It is how you perceive it to be that matters. Accept it or reject it, that is your choice. Taking the middle ground only leads to anger ?
VAL3941
Level 8
June 2, 2018
1
@VAL3941
Using the word "sex" in my profile triggered a deluge of crude, sexual messages.
One man called me a hypocrite, saying my headline, "Carpe Diem!" misrepresented me on Plenty of Fish. I had turned down his offer to meet him at a motel that night. A complete stranger!
@LiterateHiker
You should know men by now. Those kind are not worth getting your knickers in a twist over, just ignore them as hard as it may be ?
I prefer to keep the outright mention of sex private. Adding it is so often done in a crass way, and even if one has the skills to use it tastefully, on a public forum like this you have to put up with the masses who lack the ability to get the nuance.
Mitch07102
Level 8
June 7, 2018
1
Enjoy being online again!
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