You just described my mother. The only way she ceased to be a problem is when she died.

Both my parent's are intelligent (to some degree) well meaning hard working divorcee's. I struggle with both. I am messed up psychologically because of both. I am constantly hurt by both & enraged at the shit they both get up to. I also love them & wish they were happy & that all my problems with them could just go away. They also both do everything you listed.
So... yep. I have no solution to this. If you find one let the rest of us know. Failing that just know your not alone.