I've decided that once my bankruptcy is finalized apply for disability. Even now I do it reluctantly and rather like a child trying eat their veggies. I don't want . I really passionately don't want .

It feels like admitting defeat. Like giving up on ever getting better. I watch my mom filing right now for it, and she seems so okay but she told me the truth is she feels the same. Like she's losing her potential.

If she gets on, and I get on, that will make 3 of the 4 of us on disability. That's such a low blow to me. My family and i, we just can't keep pretending to be normal and okay and self sufficient.

And myself, I needed to make a decision. I can work full time and part time, 60 hours a week, and mentally and physically run myself into the ground, destroying myself, or I can work part time and be mentally healthier.

The sad fact is I am mentally suffering, not just physically. Working so much, being in so much pain has made my anxiety off the scales. I'm very close to havING a mental breakdown and I just can't keep doing this.

I need to focus on my health and my life. Working so much has taken everything. I never see my friends, I never have the remaining energy or mental power to do what I need to do.

So I'll be retiring (in a sense) and focus on myself. Maybe I'll be able to get well enough some day. But right now, I can't keep doing this.

So, Raven I know you've been an amazing supporter and everyone else too, so I hope you'll worry a little less about me after this announcement.