Good morning everyone.
Since we do not know each other yet I would like to begin with a little more background. I was the youngest of 6 at the time of my birth. The mother was single and only one of us certain who our father is. She is bipolar and sadistically narcissistic. She would line my siblings into what we call the beating line and beat them til they bled and begged for mercy. I was not beaten because I was the baby but she would beat them because "they were supposed to be watching me".
So, I understand the issues I have and am learning to just allow the past to come up if it needs to but yesterday I drove past a ton of trigger zones and went to see one of my siblings that I have not talked to since 2002. I went to see my oldest living brother. I got out of my home, faced my fears and came home to tell my other brother how well it went only to get verbally abused in very manipulative ways because I betrayed one sibling in order to see the other. I told him it was his issue and that I had no right to base my opinions on his experiences and that even if he did not want to have a relationship with our brother, I was no longer going to allow it to influence me.
This self advocacy is foreign to me and I am shaking uncontrollably right now. I feel like I am going to vomit because the brother I live with has successfully manipulated me for decades and now that I am consciously aware of his tactics I am not allowing them to work but taking a stand without attacking him or laying blame on him is so emotionally stressful for me.
I do not know where things will go with my family but I do know I am done allowing them to tell me what I need to be doing, thinking or feeling and need to find healthy ways to deal with them because I cannot walk away but I will not be abused anymore. I have a feeling that the unhealthy ones will walk away and it will hurt but I cannot save them and me too. They need to take responsibility for themselves or they will not get better and I cannot do it for them.
At any rate I am typing this while my mind and body are in full blow panic mode and that is amazing. Now. I m going to go cry and release some of this pain. Thanks for listening!