True intimacy. True friendship. I've touched the emotional part, but never the physical. I've been with two men. One hurt me because he could. One couldn't make love to me, because I had been hurt. I seek intimacy as a form of healing. I seek love. And yes, anyone who searches through my profile and posts will see that I have a D/s fetish - I write like I've lived it, but I never have. Almost. I'm scared that love doesn't exist. I believed so strongly when I was young. I felt love. I trusted in love. But now that I'm older, most everyone I meet (save for the young) seems more than a little bit sad, hardened (if you will). This is not a judgement. It's just an observation. Because people hurt me, I never had a first time. I've never made love. I couldn't trust, or I trusted the wrong person. And now that I'm on the brink of surrender and feel that I'm ready, everyone else has moved on. It leaves me feeling disillusioned and confused. I feel dangerously vulnerable. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. It's easy to talk to strangers and being new here, I'm still rather anonymous. In gratitude...
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After 18 years of severe physical, emotional and psychological abuse, I thought I had no need for, and no capacity for love. I discovered that that love is much like the Cowardly Lion's courage...it was there all along, I just couldn't recognize it. Now, at 50, I found that there is more than I can contain. Love for others has little to do with sex, but can very well result in it. I have somehow shed my judeo-christian idea of love, and I see it everywhere, and I choose my level of vulnerability when I can... because I know that even though I love someone, they are still human, and can hurt me anyway. Knowing you can disable a man in a second flat can really help take the fear out of vulnerability. ?
JBradford
Level 5
Sep 7, 2018
0
I can understand you position but only imagine what you have gone through. I myself have some doubts about finding love. I haven't completely lost hope, but my levels of hope are not all that high. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Captain747ex
Level 7
Sep 5, 2018
0
It is never too late. I suggest you chat with a kink-aware therapist to learn how to use your interest in kink to help heal residual trauma. Best wishes! [ncsfreedom.org]
UUNJ
Level 8
Sep 5, 2018
0
I still believe in love, even after three marriages and a few other relationships. I don’t believe in ‘soul mates’ or that one love for life is very common. I think I’ve known...3 couples who have/had it. Rather than passion now, I want tenderness and kindness...which lead to passionate intimacy. At least for me.
I hope you keep looking, and find what you seek.
CarolinaGirl60
Level 8
Sep 4, 2018
1
I hope you keep trying to find love. Be available but be cautious.
TheDoubter
Level 9
Sep 4, 2018
1
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