First of all, I'm glad you're here. Secondly, congratulations on a whole week of sobriety!!
I can tell you still hold love for your ex, like she has some type of hold on you. You have to let that go hun. She is not the end all to your life even after 20 years. I know 2 people who had 20 yr marriages and ended up having to move on. They've done so and for the better. Your life is in the balance. You also don't have to sit home "lonely and bored". There's a whole entire world out there beyond your circle of familiar friends, your ex, and the drug lifestyle. Don't look for the same type of woman you've dated in the past. Look for someone with self-worth, confident, gentle, caring and giving. You are worthy.

Another thing is that you can come here whenever you need someone to talk to or to vent. That's what we're here for- each other. Here there is a chat room that stays open til midnight EDT "Singles/Mingle/Chat". Plus our chat room hour is from 6-7p EDT (can be extended if people want). Both of those are great for real time conversations when you're in need of or desire one.

I can understand and empathize with having an ex in your life that you know is a negative influence on your life but you still have trouble letting go. Addiction is a feelings disease. We don't like to feel bad feelings so we cover them up with drugs and alcohol. And to let go of someone you have been connected with for 20 years can feel like the grief you would feel at a best friend's funeral so it is much easier to stay the course and keep her in your life. I feel like you need to lean into your discomfort and find a way to see yourself as an individual first that is not dependent on your ex for anything. The other person commented that therapy would help. I'm still doing it and generally going through some trauma from my childhood. But it is honestly the best thing in my life to have someone who is a professional that can help me with my feelings and life once a week or every other week. I wish you the best brother and don't hesitate to reach out if you feel weak or lonely or isolated. Love.

You could try a therapist, Al-Anon for the co-dependency, SMART programs, Emotions Anonymous for the underlying emotional issues, talk to your sponsor, CBD, whatever works. But man do something and don't let this slide. You are still in some serious shit and please don't keep doin' what you're doin' . Peace.