Another true (mostly) talen of mine...

I had a CT scan the other day. You know the one where they use the contrast dye so they can spy on your innards. I’ve had this done before but I forgot how it felt. So the very nice lady filling my veins with poison explained that I may feel warm all over and I may even taste it. “Also, it will likely feel like you’re peeing.” Lady. Listen... I can’t promise you my brain will associate the feeling of peeing with don’t you dare pee on this $40 million space needle kitten scan. I guess we she decided it was worth the risk because before I knew it she was saying, “Here it comes!” Let’s wall break for a moment and come back to that. Do you remember in the Lord of the Rings where Frodo and Samewise Gamgee were sitting on the rocks while surrounded by the lava and fire of Mordor? I always wondered why they didn’t spontaneously burst into flames considering the heat. Back to the burning man cocktail coursing through my veins... These were my thoughts as I slowly caught on fire:

• I bet this is how McDonald’s french fries feel.
• Oh. My. God. This is how they make X-men!!! I’m going to have to think of a really cool name. Fireveins? RedDyeHigh? Fatty McFireson? Superhero naming is not a talent I have.
• This is just truly an unfortunate experience.
• When I go to the dentist they cover my entire upper body and neck with that heavy lead infused bib. Today they’re running my whole body through this machine with nothing between me and it except a tattered circa 1997 size XXXXXXL gown. At St. Vincent you’re either large or queen size sheet sized. Even with enough yards of fabric to clothe the Von Trap children, it still doesn’t cover your hiney. How is this still happening? Snap buttons? Velcro? How am I alone in this?
• If I try really hard I can probably shoot lasers out of my eyes.
• Barbecued abdomen, barbecued abdomen...
• She mentioned “the groin” a lot when describing areas that might combust. How many times does one need to hear that word in a day? I think seven is just a smidge too many. However, now that the lava is leaving my throat and heading south I understand her warnings.
• The only things that were free from the heat were my hands and feet and I was singing to them, “Fly, fly, far far away, save yourselves!”
  So after that suspiciously faded away the woman goes behind the safety of the glass because you see, everyone on my side of the glass is becoming radioactive and well, we can’t save everyone. The machine starts barking orders on when I can and can’t breathe so I’m inflating, deflating and burning. Lights flashed. I whispered, “Beam me up, Scottie” then I was scanned and consequently entered into the matrix. Now I glow in the dark. True story.