Benthoven's Profile

Follow Block User Report User

Benthoven Ben

Man, New York,

Navigation

I grew up in a fundamentalist home… at ten I was baptized into the Seventh-Day-Adventist church. In my early twenties I was baptized into the Assemblies of church, and then in my later twenties I became a member of the Foursquare denomination. The one thing all of those groups have in common is that they are terrified of ME!

Because of my gayness, according to fundamentalists, I can:
~ Single-handedly incur the wrath of to bring down civilizations.
~ Cause earthquakes, hurricanes, tornadoes, flooding and famine.
~ And apparently my powers are growing as I'm creating bigger hurricanes.
~ Just by being gay I can destroy straight marriages and obliterate the institution of marriage altogether.

Full Bio

Posts

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 18, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

The young lady had recently taken her vows to become a nun. Her first days in the convent took some getting used to, particularly learning how to walk in a habit. One day, carrying an armload of books on her way up a flight of stairs, she stepped on ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 16, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

I don't want to go on the cart...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 16, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

I used to be a Capricorn, but then I got born-again… Now I'm a Libra.

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 16, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 16, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 16, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Accident Report Oh god, this is SO embarrassing. I just had to file an accident report regarding a small, job-related issue. Sigh. Well, here it is. Dear Workman’s Comp, I am responding to your request for additional information in Block 3 of ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 15, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

I went to my first Broadway play the other night. A musical version of Titanic… because a hottie asked me, and promised he'd let me hold his hand. Before the theater we had dinner. I had my favorite: Habanero Jalapeño Chili Spicy Nacho ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 15, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

I just heard that God updated his 10 Commandments. I was able to score a preview copy. God's 10 Commandment Rewrite! And god, whose voice did sound like Cher, spoke all these words saying: I am the Diva, your ingénue, the prima donna who called ...

Jan 13, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

The BBC's China Editor, Carrie Gracie, has resigned after finding out two male, international editors, are paid fifty-percent more than her. But in fairness, like all male media executives, they will need that money when they're eventually brought ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 13, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Ben: T.G.I.F. Friend: S.H.I.T. Ben: (Offended) WTF? T…G…I…F… Friend: LOL! S…H…I…T…! Ben: Thank…God…It's…Friday! Friend: Sorry…Honey…It's…Thursday! Ben: SHIT!

Jan 12, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Donald Trump has gone nuts and has tried to get the book banned. He's worried that his base will fall away if they find out what's in the book. But they're not going to find out, because, IT'S.IN.A.BOOK! So I think the ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 12, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Seen on a t-shirt: Hike faster, I hear banjo music.

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 12, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Every great journey begins with a single face plant.

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 11, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Things that are difficult to say when drunk: Preliminary - Anesthetist. Things that are VERY difficult to say when drunk: Rhipidistian-Amphibian - Sphygmomanometer. Things that are Impossible to say when drunk: No more booze for me, I've had enough...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 11, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

I sometimes asked to speak at various organizations. Last week I was asked to speak at a friend’s church. While it was fun, I think the Head Pastor’s notes were a little uncalled for. Apparently, there are Ten Commandments, not twelve; there are...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 9, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

I was super pissed at Mother Nature and I shouted: “Bite ME!” The next day I was playing with a dog, and he bit me. I scratched a cat behind the ears, and it bit me. I stepped on a snake, and it bit me. I asked a guy out on a date, and he bit ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 6, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Ben: I couldn't get a date if I was the last man on earth. Friend: But you only date men. Ben: Now you see my problem.

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 6, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

It was time for closing arguments. Court had come back from recess, and I back from lunch. I had my favorite: Jalapeño Habanero Spicy Nacho Chimichangas with refried beans and sour cream. I stood before the Jury, prepared to deliver my brilliant ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 5, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Some days I think I would be better off without me, but every time I turn around… there I am.

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 5, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Well, it's not like I didn't see it coming… Sigh. Me and my feminine side are seeking a trial separation. We still must decide who gets custody of the inner child, but that will be decided by the Inner Judge. She walked away with my Moral Compass...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 5, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

I am NOT “High Maintenance”… I'm 'Intricate'.

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 4, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

I met the man of my dreams. He was beautiful, intelligent, and over-the-top sexy. It was love at first sight. We met in the elevator. Unfortunately, I had just finished my Jalapeño Chili Pepper Spicy Nacho Habanero Chimichangas with refried beans ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Jan 2, 2018Jan 2018

Posted by Benthoven

Although, this could just as easily go in the philosophy section as well.

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 31, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

My New Year's Resolution

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 31, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Friend: What do you think happens after you die? Ben: Well, I imagine the hospital gives your bed to someone else.

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 30, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I've always wondered how to know the difference.

Philosophy & Meaning

Dec 28, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Most of us on this site agree that there is no afterlife: reincarnation, heaven, hell, Nirvana... We also know that the human species isn't necessarily here for the long-haul, and may have already sealed our fate. We know that those who suffer ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 28, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

People call me a Nihilist… I would like to disagree, but what's the point.

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 28, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I love the way children look up to me. It's awesome being tall.

Dec 25, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

If your deeply held religious beliefs stop you from baking a cake for a gay couple, or selling them pizza, or taking their picture, then change your beliefs. If your beliefs were of any value, they wouldn't be preventing you from doing acts of ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 24, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Loving you is my only crime… that and all my actual crimes.

Music, Movies & Books

Dec 22, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

When Eric Clapton gets cranky, do they call him Sour Cream?

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 22, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

This Christmas Eve I plan to be visited by three spirits: Vodka, Bourbon, and Gin.

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 21, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Philosophy Teacher: Ben, what is the secret of life? Ben: Hellllllooooooo! It's a SECRET! Philosophy Teacher: Ho-Kaaaayyy! Let's try it this way. What is the MEANING of life? Ben: DUH! To keep the secret. Philosophy Teacher: (Exasperated) Who ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 19, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Ben: (In confession) Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I made out with a guy. Priest: Ben, I know that's you. And who was this guy you made out with? Ben: I cannot tell you, Father, his family is upstanding in the church. Priest: Was it Seth ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 19, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Hey everybody! This has been weighing heavily on my conscious, and the only way to clear up the guilt is to finally confess and come clean. It was me… I let the dogs out! Woof - woof woof woof

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 14, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Needless to say, I didn't get the job... Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself. Ben: Oh, that's a tough one. Is it really "my" self, or is it just "Self"... or even "A" self? Am "I" a product of the "Self," or is the "Self" a product of me? Did ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 12, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Glenda: Are you a good witch… or a bad witch? Ben: Comme ci, comme ça

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 12, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Seen on a t-shirt: Hike faster, I hear banjo music!

Dec 10, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Roy Moore's alleged pursuit of a young girl is the symptom of a larger problem in evangelical circles - LA Times

This is an interesting Op Ed. Looking at this issue of pedophilia from the outside we can't understand how Evangelicals can even consider voting for a man like Roy Moore let alone defend and support him (not to mention the Pedophile-in-Chief). This article has some great insight into the problem.

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 10, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Well, this changes things a bit.

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 10, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I’m determined to live UP to my faux potential!

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 8, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Do you ever feel that God has a plan, and you're the only one who can stop it?

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 8, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

The fool has said in his heart there is no god: The wise say it out loud. The sage tweets it.

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 8, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

My feminine side and I are considering a trial separation, and trying to figure out who gets custody of the inner child.

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 7, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I used to have the cutest, most adorable birthday suit. It was flexible, fit snugly, the seams were tight, and it was so comfortable. However, after years of wear, it's sagging, coming apart at the seams, and I can barely fit into it anymore. And ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 7, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked, “Why are you reading both those books?” “Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Dec 7, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I just ran into a guy who told me that he's never had alcohol and therefore he's never been drunk. I was flabbergasted. I told him: “Dude, there’s so much of life that you’ve never stumbled over, passed out under, or threw up on!”

Philosophy & Meaning

Dec 6, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

We need a new mythology, one that might not entail "gods" per se, but one that does for a science based culture what the gods did for ancient societies. For example: A creation "story" which breaks down "creation" into story form the way most ...

Philosophy & Meaning

Dec 3, 2017Dec 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Guilty verdict in 2010 Wilton Manors double murder - Sun Sentinel

Death penalty anyone? In yet another one of those “Life’s an ironic bitch” incidents, I’m actually going to have to look head-long into one of my most discussed and debated philosophies. On Christmas, 2010, my best friend from grade school was murdered in his home along with his partner of thirty years. I met Kevin in Lander, Wyoming while we were both attending a Seventh Day Adventist church school (but at least I wasn’t homeschooled). We both had step dads who were violent ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 30, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

The other day my nephew came up to me (about eight years old) and said, "Uncle Ben, when I grow up I want to be just like you. I was so awed and overwhelmed and I hugged him and said, "Oh sweetie... And I had such high hopes for you."

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 30, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

A street preacher asked, "Have you heard the good news?" And I said, "GOOD news? You must be telling it wrong."

Philosophy & Meaning

Nov 29, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Life is a Noun in search of a Verb!

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 29, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

My feminine side isn't speaking to me. Apparently my life is going nowhere and I won't stop and ask for directions.

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 28, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Great News! I got asked out on a date. I don't think I'm going to go though. He asked me out after the telephone pole turned him down.

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 28, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I'm trying to decide if I want to adopt, or have my own Inner Child.

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 28, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I lay outside one night on my back. The clear night sky was filled with millions of stars and I saw above me a vast, eternal, Universe where I was certainly looking at other suns with their own solar systems. I saw a Universe with resources beyond ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 26, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

People ask me if I believe in life after death. I tell them, “I'm still trying to figure out the life after birth thing.”

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 26, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Do you ever wonder if, when Jesus was a kid, Mary yelled at him to close the door and then demanded, “Were you born in a barn”?

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 23, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

When people ask me if I believe there's a God, I usually answer by saying: Well, there's a long answer and a short answer. The short answer is "No." The long answer is "Nooooooooooooooooooo!"

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 22, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Christmas has been cancelled: Joseph confessed.

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 22, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

There are two types of people in the world. Everyone else is somewhere in between.

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 21, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I live in New York, and for almost a year, I've been considering going to Times Square where Broadway and 7th Intersect, wearing a giant name tag on my shirt that says, "Hi, My Name is Life!" and carrying a box of lemons... and then handing out ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 21, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at anytime, so I ordered French toast during the renaissance. Steven Wright

Religion & Spirituality

Nov 20, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

There are three things that “Morality” does to corrupt humanity. 1. It turns us away from reason and empathy 2. It turns wrong into right (it’s okay to kill if it’s for our cause), and right into wrong (sexuality, women’s health, tolerance,...

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 20, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Does the Universe validate? I'm not sure where to park.

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 20, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I just had someone try and convert me to Christianity. I'm like… "What a coincidence, I'm going to convert you to atheism." He told me that I would NEVER convert him to atheism. I'm like… "What a coincidence, I also cannot be converted." He said,...

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 16, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I live in New York, and there are street evangelists everywhere. Rather than argue with them, I've started using one-liners instead. Street Evangelist: Jesus loves you. Me: Yah, but he's not IN love with me. Street Evangelist: Have you accepted ...

General & Hellos

Nov 12, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Please allow me to introduce myself I'm a man of wealth and taste... Well wealth anyway. I like Nickelback.

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 11, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Do you think Satan and Santa ever get each other's mail?

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 11, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Here’s some inspiration. The pessimist says the glass is half empty The optimist says the glass is half full The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be The metaphysician says, “The glass isn’t there at all” I ...

Philosophy & Meaning

Nov 7, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I wonder… is it possible that "Consciousness" is simply a brain disease?

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 2, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

When God closes a door, open it again. It's a door, that's how they work.

Silly, Random & Fun

Nov 2, 2017Nov 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I’ve been trying to exercise my demons, but they won’t budge. I even bought them a gym membership, but they won’t get off the couch.

Religion & Spirituality

Oct 31, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

POLLCan Love save us, or is it just a New Age pipe dream?

We say that "love" conquers all. Is that true, or does fear rule the world. From my perspective, fear rules the world: fear of others; fear of change; fear of those who are different!

6 votes Yes
21 votes No
11 votes Maybe, if we understood it

Silly, Random & Fun

Oct 31, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

People keep telling me that there's an invisible force guiding my life. I'm sorry, but I just don't see it.

Silly, Random & Fun

Oct 30, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I'm just killing time… until Time kills me!

General & Hellos

Oct 28, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I was raised a fundamentalist from a young age. At ten, I was baptized into the Seventh-Day-Adventist church. In my early twenties I was baptized into the Assemblies of God church. Later, as I careened toward my thirties, I became a member of the ...

Silly, Random & Fun

Oct 28, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

As a dyslexic agnostic insomniac, I often lay awake at night wondering if there is a doG!

Silly, Random & Fun

Oct 24, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I tried to sell my soul to Satan, but he sent me a form letter informing me that he wasn't taking souls at this time but that he would keep my resume on file should anything come up later.

Religion & Spirituality

Oct 22, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I was recently asked by an old friend who knew me as a devoted Christian, what happened? "You had such a wonderful relationship with God. He was your father and we could all see how much you loved him and how he loved you.” This is my response. I...

Religion & Spirituality

Oct 17, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

Affirmations: Mediation: ... do you think that either of them work?

Religion & Spirituality

Oct 12, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

It seems as if every time I’m in contact with a Christian, and I tell them I’m agnostic, they like to hit me with Pascal's Wager: “What would you lose if you simply chose to believe in God…” My response: "I would lose my soul." I would ...

Religion & Spirituality

Oct 6, 2017Oct 2017

Posted by Benthoven

I hate it when Christians say, "There are no atheists in foxholes." The truth is, there are no CHRISTIANS in foxholes. Jesus told us to LOVE our enemies, not go out and shoot at them.

Previous
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10

Photos

Agnostic, Humanist, Secularist, Skeptic

Open to meeting men

Interested InFriends, Dating, Long Term
EnjoysMovies, Music, Science, Books, Love
Education2-Year
Top tags#god #Jesus #world #friends #reason #video #book #hell #religion #earth #gay #death #Christian #hope #beliefs #Bible #children #Christians #church #Vodka

Level8 (90,206pts)
Posts984
Comments
Replies 2,841
710
Followers 22
Fans 0
Joined Sep 26th, 2017
Last Visit Over a year ago
Not in search results

Benthoven's Groups

Topic of the day

Community Senate

Copyright © 2024 - All rights reserved.
About
Terms
Privacy
Contact
FAQ

Agnostic.com is a community for interesting people!