I was born. Some stuff happened. Now I'm here. I have outlived my last two loves, and perhaps even love itself.
EDIT: I suppose I should say something here about what I'm like. I don't know if I can say that, honestly. The human tendency is to lie, to present the best parts of yourself, and suppress one's flaws. Maybe that's not really fair to the reader of this. I try, instead, to SHOW what I'm like. Maybe not an optimal strategy, but it backfires less.
EDIT #2: In the spirit of encouraging more people to reach out to me, I am including the following information:
You might think I'm not that great a catch, but you would be mistaken. I have (albeit somewhat small) love handles to grasp, as well as various protuberances in case I come whizzing by you too fast. I will fill your life and home with the intoxicating scent of a recent fire that destroyed everything you loved. If you are religious, I can offer hours of fun (for myself) mocking all of your cherished spiritual beliefs. As an extra treat, for all you vegan girls out there, I can offer an unforgettable first date where I rave about just how much steak juice tastes like the blood of innocents.
My favorite activities include such wonderful things such as: lying in bed in my underwear, watching Simpsons porn, and making dirty dishes. I'm also only interested in eating your cherry pie. No prunes, because prunes are just disgusting.
I'd prefer it if you were young enough to be my daughter, because then I would actually introduce you to people AS my daughter, and then we could French-kiss. As you might guess, this of course means I'm Republican.
You'll also have to be smart, because otherwise you won't be able to figure out how to get out of the restraints I will tie you up with. My apologies.