A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 15, 2023:

Gad I would have run too...

Long ago, when sailing ships rules the waves, a sea captain and his crew were informed by their ...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 15, 2023:

What a pisser...

He is a slimy piece of work that needs to be retired to the trash heap of history

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 15, 2023:

Gym Jordan needs to be sent in front of a firing squad....

With the upcoming election, I'd like to propose the Republicans update their mascot

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 15, 2023:

I would suggest a huge pile of shit instead....

I think they are going to tie themselves in knots on this one.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 15, 2023:

You have to love the stupid.... Look at all the money you save buying tickets to a comedy club...

Well done.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 14, 2023:

Dog...

Tracey Ullman - Jerry Hall and Rupert Murdoch

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 14, 2023:

What some women won't do for money....

Cold hearted...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 14, 2023:

I can't imagine who this reminds me of.... oh wait yes I can.... "For @Tejas ."

Will this make a difference?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 13, 2023:

The "C" what a great spot to get wet looks like....

Large Marge, if she only had a brain.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 13, 2023:

It just goes to prove in my mind that McCarthy is a traitor as well....

Advanced World War I Tactics with General Melchett - YouTube

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 13, 2023:

Worst part is that they still hadn't learned in WW2 the lesson they should have learned in WW1 that standing up and charging an enemy position defended by machine guns is a BAD idea...The Germans had figured it out which accounted for their "blitzkrieg" tactics...

One of my favorite all time movies.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 12, 2023:

Should have put Trump's face on the sheriff and Dubbed in Moron.... "Don't move or I shoot the moron..."

With this I'll call it a night

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 12, 2023:

Where is that vomit emoji you keep promising us?...

Say 'tacos'. It'll increase the chance of getting her back.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 11, 2023:

I guess she farted...

I would have considered myself Chaotic Good but there's no damn way that I'm going to plain sausage ...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

Outside of the rules.... Polish sausage with ranch and dill pickles...

What's the difference between having sex with a prostitute, your girlfriend and your wife?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

Times like that you wonder why get married...

I need this

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

I will take one of each...

Lewis Black [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

Could have been worse.... They could have had Justin Bieber....

You belong to me, Babe.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

Put your baby brother's pajamas back where you found them...

Sign of the times...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

Seems like people need instructions about everything these days... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qLm3HMG8IhM=Dantheshan

A little poem from my book, "Food for Thought".

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

Why I like cats so much.... They shit in the box not in your shoe....

I got the funniest look from my boss last night when he was telling me and my coworkers about a ...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

That's what he gets for dating his partner's wife....

Eating granny.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

The Floraduh "littler free library" should be sealed with a "banned" sticker and the gun one next to it should be larger and mostly empty....

Get the rolled up newspaper.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 10, 2023:

Doesn't he mean 5th grade dropout conservative Christian on the Internet?

Christopher Titus [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 9, 2023:

Considering that Trump allowed the Chinese to steal battery technology developed by the Department of Energy.....

Lots of empty space down there…..

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 9, 2023:

That balloon is already at least a thousand times as intelligent as she is....

My new roll model...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 9, 2023:

Super Models....

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 8, 2023:

Be thankful it was just his fingers...

Feeling like spending big this Saint Valentine’s Day, boys? We know what women really want.😉

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 8, 2023:

Fuck Walmart I can get them cheaper than that at either Stater Bros or Smart & Final.... Better quality too.

😍😍😍　　　　　　　　

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 7, 2023:

This is just like the behavior of my cats...

One day at church, a priest delivers a sermon about the importance of forgiving your enemies.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 6, 2023:

I just hand my list of enemies over to Karma and she takes care of them for me... It started out as a very long list and every year it grows much shorter so I just keep adding the names and reading the obituaries. When ever I see one of those names there it brings a smile to my face, a song to my heart and peace to my mind knowing that there is one less piece of shit running around hurting people...

I'd give her a job!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 6, 2023:

Good for her I hope she never goes back... to any church.

Fair and square. 😆

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 6, 2023:

I can't understand how idiots keep trying to claim that people aren't willing to work when the real issue is they aren't willing to pay...

Breaking news!!!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 6, 2023:

Did you hear?.... It was not a spy balloon which was pretty obvious when you use your brain and realize that a balloon can't carry tech good enough to out do what a spy satellite can do.... Also a balloon isn't controllable and is going to go where it wants not where you want it too so they are pretty useless for spying... But some dumbass ordered it shot down anyway...

Is it Monday morning yet?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 6, 2023:

Jesus is putting too much effort into it... Just hit him over the head with a baseball bat, tie a short rope around his neck with a concrete block attached and toss him into the drink about 5 miles offshore...

The Devils In The Phone Booth Dialing 911 - YouTube

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 6, 2023:

Religion is worse than meth...

Anita Plow.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 5, 2023:

There are times I love living in Southern California... Like when I look up at the mountains and see all the snow realizing I don't have to shovel off my walkways...

Way to insult Freddy.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 4, 2023:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvcpOY91eWs=TheHolyModalRounders-Topic

My wife thinks I don't give her enough privacy.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 4, 2023:

Well that is one place to look for any plans to bump you off for the insurance money...

Old habits die hard....

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 4, 2023:

The only thing I want to hear about my ex-wife's life is her death...

Clint has aged well 1885-2023

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 3, 2023:

I wouldn't call talking to empty chairs in public as "aging well"

Disney Tales that Florida doesn't want you to hear

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 3, 2023:

Doing it doggy style.... woof woof.

Christopher Titus [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 3, 2023:

Yep that is about the size of it....

Another reason crows are cool.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 3, 2023:

Or maybe they are just feeling a bit.... er... peckish?....

Last call, not gonna call again

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 3, 2023:

Proof he existed found at an archaeological dig in Jerusalem..

Man does not need gold, diamonds or yachts

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 3, 2023:

Storage room for the ex girlfriends?...

He's in trouble

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 3, 2023:

I wonder who gets the maid in the divorce....

The reason ground hog day has to keep getting new "Phills"

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 3, 2023:

Did they remember the Fava beans and a nice class of chianti?...

I just found this one, and I knew I had the right audience here. LOL

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 3, 2023:

She is a dick....

Meanwhile back in Pennsylvania....

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 2, 2023:

Already stolen, sent and getting responses...

Adult Humor: Taylor Tomlinson I've been watching her videos and she is hilarious! [youtu.be]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 2, 2023:

Damn I would love to date a woman who told jokes like that...

Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow and predicts 6 more weeks of winter I propose a meal for the ...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 2, 2023:

I prefer mine roasted with a side a Fava beans...

Lewis Black [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 2, 2023:

Any sign saying "Republicans at work" is actually a joke... Not a very funny one but still a joke...

Speechless at this point. When my pets mess up

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 1, 2023:

Took me ages but my cat finally taught me not to leave toilet paper where he could get to it if I wanted to wipe my ass...

Better keep this in mind when the time comes.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 1, 2023:

Death: But you have to leave sooner or later....

Apparently this is old, but I hadn't seen it. [youtu.be]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 1, 2023:

Very old but still funny in its own way...

What do cannibals call a womb? A slow-cooker.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 1, 2023:

The reason so many Christians take communion is that they don't have to wait 9 months for blood and flesh....

Nailed it...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Feb 1, 2023:

Less than 4 years behind you....

Chilli stories “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 31, 2023:

In short some fairly decent chilis.... Nothing to spicy but ok for clearing your sinuses when you have a cold....

Mrs. Betty Bowers [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 31, 2023:

I love Devin Green's work...

My friend found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 31, 2023:

Pharmacist would have shit himself if she had told him her Schnauzer had hairy ears...

Just so you know...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 31, 2023:

Hell is a great place for a vacation.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfGggAGITwg=2CELLOS

Speaker of the House - Randy Rainbow Song Parody [youtube.com]

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 31, 2023:

...

A thought: I was wondering about Superman, the man of steel.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 31, 2023:

"Poor Superman" By Fritz Leiber

Bark away!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 31, 2023:

Cats are smarter.... a cat would have run away from home and found a new slave by that point... After shitting in the instruments of course...

If only...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 30, 2023:

And if they had been beavers they would have eaten the tree...

I never knew polar bears had Indian accents.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 30, 2023:

If it was a Dodge em then Ram em or a Shovey they wouldn't be able to afford coverage....

We probably shouldn't name them until we've had them for a few weeks

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 30, 2023:

Typical dog... I just call most of them "Shithead"

from the mouths of quite literal babes

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 30, 2023:

Reminds me of many people I know or have had to deal with including most so-called "customer service representatives..."

Young fellow had no idea the size of the can of whoop ass he was opening.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 30, 2023:

Nice hot buns....

You're going to have to do some quick thinking

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 30, 2023:

Now that is some pussy...

Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 30, 2023:

Oops all that trouble to set up a hit and he accidentally told them about it...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 29, 2023:

....

That's when I switched to data design. 😜

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 29, 2023:

I would have switched to guiding assholes...

American media is biased, no outlet reported it

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 29, 2023:

When someone posts something like this about it you know they are too short to have ever had that problem...

Feminism with a twist

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 28, 2023:

There are to edges to that sword...

Valentine's is coming.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 28, 2023:

And women complain about vacuum cleaners and toasters.... Such irony...

I am not photogenic either

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 28, 2023:

I have sent worse to scammers trying to get me to send them dick pics or selfies....

Did the cat win?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 28, 2023:

I rarely have problems handling cats even feral ones...

Happy Saturday!!!! 😂😂😂😂

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 28, 2023:

The paint ain't store?...

In different frequencies - again. 😆

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 28, 2023:

Best way to get some time to yourself?... Make her mad.

How to get the police to come quickly...

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 28, 2023:

I always wanted to open a donut shop named the Brass Donut.... the sign would be a huge cop badge with a bullet hole in it...

Everyone loves morning wood!

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 28, 2023:

Do they pay in dollars or dicks?....

Latest edition. You watched it?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

No I don't even own an idiot box.

This is now a raging issue

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Curious to see if the Republicans start calling for Pence's head on a platter...

Short on cash? There are ways.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

She can dance on mine any day...

So I went to see my new primary care doctor and he tells me I'm doing 'fairly well' for my age.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Ramen to that...

Tired of Covid-19? Wait, there is help.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

I could use some of this to spike the beers of FAUX viewers...

Jehovah, the great prankster. Such a kidder.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Stuck it to him didn't he?...

Don't worry, you will know

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Great for those times the cops start following you around....

I haven't seen a new bacon meme in a while

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Me: Now with less fat and far more salt....

More Valentine's festivities for everyone

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Husband: What no more threesomes?

All these damned holidays coming at me at once, I may as well just stay drunk.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

A drunkard's dream workout....

Not going to testify as to the accuracy, but it would be extremely fitting.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

This was in a South African newspaper apparently but some people are claiming it is false, but me? I am hoping it was true. We will have to wait to see if it checks out... https://www.esquireme.com/news/lion-hunter Not this one but Karma is a real bitch and it did happen... https://nypost.com/2022/07/04/riaan-naude-trophy-hunter-who-killed-lions-elephants-shot-dead/

More Valentine's Cheer for your pleasure

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Stalker wanted... No guns or knives please...

I hear that she shudders everytime she passes a plastic recycling center.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Probably afraid someone will lure her in...

Not going to testify as to the accuracy, but it would be extremely fitting.

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Go lions!...

Looking for a bargain

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

Those are not the blood spatters you are looking for...

Is this true? Anybody?

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 27, 2023:

The upgraded ones... And the Germans are going to release their main battle tanks as well I am thinking that things are about to become interesting...

An Amazon review

Lizard_of_Ahaz comments on Jan 26, 2023:

After Grandma was buried and he started dating those young gals I bet Grandpa was thrilled...