I got myself in a situation.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 19, 2018:

Please don't lie to him. Follow the advice of the ladies below and I think you will be fine. As for him, you're not his keeper and you can walk away clean. If you have to drop out of the Meetup group, sometimes that's the price you pay when you get involved with someone from one. But also, sometimes you can return to those groups after the other person has had some time to regroup.

A discussion on a thread tonite has got me curious about the music tastes of the community here.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 19, 2018:

So far country is the next to last place genre, just about what I expected. No surprise there's not a NASCAR group on here either. When I was preparing to set up the categories for the poll, I noticed that while there were several groups for music lovers, each with different genres, there was not one group solely for fans of country music. And there were also no groups for sports fans either, which didn't surprise me either. It's not that I think intellectuals like us hate sports, as I'm sure plenty of us like me played sports and still like them in moderation. But in general, I think intellectuals are just not interested in sports enough to want to discuss them regularly with others like Joe Six-Pack.

Have you ever ghosted anyone?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 19, 2018:

Should have allowed for multiple votes to get more accurate results. Some of us have never ghosted anyone, but have been ghosted ourselves. You didn't allow for that.

Do you listen to religious music?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 19, 2018:

Ya know, I'm very glad I stumbled across this thread because it was very enlightening. I am generally pretty intolerant of music genres that I don't like and don't want to hear them played when I'm around. For example, I can't stand country music and neither could my late wife, so we were pretty compatible on liking most of the same music and disliking all of the same types of music as well for the most part. But one interesting thing is that, while neither of us Agnostics liked religious music anymore and she couldn't stand to hear any religious music, I still liked to hear some of my old vinyl Christian rock albums. I wouldn't play them when she was around out of respect, but I still listen to some of them today. Specifically, the 2nd Chapter Of Acts, and Barry McGuire (during his Christian phase). The thing is, great music and talented performers hold up as moving and impressive even if I do blow off the lyrics these days. The 2nd Chapter were just such outstanding singers and harmonizers while Barry was just so damn emotive with his voice that I still love hearing them. Has anyone else had an experience like this with religious music?

A discussion on a thread tonite has got me curious about the music tastes of the community here.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 19, 2018:

I realize I left out folk music, but if people like it they can just indicate it with by posting a comment. The system limited me to 8 categories.

Books, glorious books!

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 19, 2018:

I really, as a longtime fan of rock music, love to read autobiographies by musicians like Elvis Costello and Bruce Springsteen because they are so smart and articulate as well as musically talented. My fav type of book is one where I can read all the stories behind someone's career and how they ended up writing the great songs I have already grown to love.

Not "just" Friends

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 19, 2018:

Man do I agree about this. When I meet a new person who seems to be a fellow tribe member it renews my will to live.

Do you have any "deal breakers" in potential partners?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 18, 2018:

I've got mine right here in my bio on this site. Don't list them on Match because that crowd is allergic to anything negative being said in a profile. My dealbreakers are, besides someone being religious, obviously: Someone who likes country music. A regular smoker. An alcoholic or workaholic. Political conservative. Must be either middle of the road and not big on politics or else at least liberal. Someone very family-oriented. Someone who is big on watching college or pro sports all season. Sports are ok to watch in moderation, but not something I want to spend most of my time and money on with them for a whole season. If someone's politically liberal, that usually takes care of other dealbreakers like racism or homophobia, sexism, etc. Now everybody can probably see why it's so tough for me, besides my looks, to find someone compatible in a place like Iowa that's so damn religious, family-oriented, sports crazy, conservative, redneck, etc. It could be worse I suppose, like Texas or Alabama.

What is “dating” today and what should it be?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 18, 2018:

Unless you try dating someone from this site, nobody here is ever going to know who you're talking about if you do bash them on here, unless you name them by username. From what I read on here, very few people on this site ever find anyone from here to date. So I don't see all the reason for concern about someone here venting about how they were treated by someone else in the dating game. People who post on here about those experiences are simply wanting to vent and maybe get some advice or feedback from others who have maybe been there. And there's a legit reason for that, because, in my experience, if you try doing all your venting and advice seeking offline with friends who are married and unable to be of much help or empathize, having been out of the game for so long, they will quickly grow tired of listening to you about it.

Sometimes how I feel but then again ,..........

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 18, 2018:

I won't settle for a "clearance price" partner as far as quality, but I do wonder how far away I am from being seen as clearance level by the women on Match in my area. Lots of them in the same boat as me it seems, profiles that have been on there just as long as me that occaisionally come by and view my profile long after they saw it last time, some of whom have even blown off my initial message of interest.

What is the main reason why you are not religious?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

That's hard to say, it was so long ago that I quit seeing truth or value in religion. I know part of it was Christian/Catholic religion's views at the time on gays, feminism, abortion as well as euthanasia and the glorification of suffering for the sake of eternal reward or improvement of one's character. In the face of those things, it just didn't hold up the way it used to for me. This was in the early 80s. Maybe seeing the rise of the religious right and the Moral Majority along with TV preachers added to my distrust and cynicism. I also saw too much phoniness and hypocrisy at the personal/individual level among believers, but that was just young idealism and being naive because when I got older and started attending Unitarian churches I saw just as much of that. Now I know that's just how many or most humans are, believers or not.

What is the best way to get rid of someone preaching to you?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

Fake a seizure? They might think you're possessed and run away screaming. Good for a laugh!

What makes you leery about someone?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

Dishonesty/phoniness. Those who will say anything to be popular or get over on people.

I'm in a strange position.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

I bet you are talking about either a Unitarian or United Church of Christ church. And yes, most mainline Protestant churches are dying out. The denominations that are growing seem to be Catholic and evangelical, at least in the US.

Do you have to pretend to be religious to fit in?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

I know there are Atheist/Agnostic men and women who will pretend and attend Christian churches hoping to snag a mate or dating partner, but I think that is deceitful and would never do it. Same thing with joining a Christian or Catholic singles group. Would usually only lead to grief and drama. Have never really tried to pretend or fit in at workplaces and have usually paid a price for it, in one case it was the main reason I was forced out from there. So I would say it is often a real issue for people and not always easy to decide whether to stay in the closet or not when it comes to workplaces. As for the rest of life, it's not as big a deal in my eyes and you should be honest about who you are.

My post in @Sassygirl3869 's group [agnostic.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

It was filled with such emotional extremes that I don't want to look back on it. I'm amazed so many people get thru it without having a breakdown or causing harm to themselves. I would rather be a young adult again than a teen.

Bill Maher

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

I thought he was great back when he had his show Politically Incorrect, but after that he's been less and less impressive, so I lost interest. PI was so cool in the variety of views allowed and having guests who were so far away from the echo chamber of corporate news and commentary.

Asking as a huge Bob Dylan freak, but not so much I'm not blind to the fact he's been, with rare but...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

I'm a Dylan fan too and think he deserved the Nobel but, like you, I get annoyed at all of his fans that won't admit that he's been pretty lame since the early 90s. Can't sing anymore and really couldn't after the early 90s. Can't play the guitar anymore either. He ought to retire, but will probably perform until he dies, which, since he doesn't need the money and people will still come to see him, is his right.

Lol ? Points for honesty

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

So touching, brings a tear to my eye.... ( sarcasm alert). @ladybug

I say this all the time. Electronically facilitated relationships are still relationships.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 17, 2018:

Internet friendships have their place- a very small one in my life- but real friendships are the ones you call when you either need a ride to the emergency room or someone to call after you've already got there. A friend in need,....

Bwahahahahaha!

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 16, 2018:

That is so sick and funny!

Oscar-nominated actress Sondra Locke dies at 74 - ABC News

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 16, 2018:

So Clint outlived her....

Con Artist Monthly..

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 16, 2018:

Sick and funny. Too true!

Are women less ethical than men?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 16, 2018:

My guess is women are more ethical, but there are many areas of ethics and it would be hard to study and get broad enough data to be meaningful. I think most people vary in how ethically they conduct themselves, more ethically in some areas of their life, less in others.

10 Reasons Why Smart People Have Fewer Friends - YouTube

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 16, 2018:

One of my newest friends is a retired surgeon who seems to be one of the smartest people I've ever known and he seems to have tons of friends. Maybe it's because he has great curiosity about people and things, is funny, kind, and charismatic.

I smoke, I drink, I do drugs does that make me undesirable, unreliable, disloyal, unloving and ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

You live in the UK, I live in the US, so even tho we are in around the same age, I have no idea what the norms for vices are there. I can say that in the US, for our age range, the vast majority of women do not smoke or do street drugs, but the vast majority of them do drink, at least socially. Glad I could help.

Which is worse in a spouse, one who is very conservative, supportive of Trump, gun rights, lower ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

I like to be generous in wanting good things for other humans in general, like having affordable housing and healthcare for all, even right-wingers. Same with love and relationships, things all humans need and deserve. So I don't like the premise of these binary choices. At the individual level, some people like Trump, may seem too evil or repulsive to deserve love or relationships, but that's not my call or business. Who's to say right-wingers can't or shouldn't be happy together? What's bad or worse is having someone who doesn't get you and critical, for whatever reason, of who you really are and what you value, whether you or them are right or left, because you probably should not be with them in that case.

People who use "busy" to feign being important.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

Used to know a few, not any more. One of us ended up kicking the other to the curb. I hate arrogant, self-deluded types.

Guns: Give them to everyone as a government program.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

Many people in the US are, in my mind, too stupid and ignorant to be allowed to vote. But, our laws and tradition say otherwise, so I will abide that. But to add guns for everyone on top of that is just too much and I will never support that. The whole idea smacks of my personal nightmare, a mix of guns, alcohol and rednecks being allowed to carry firearms in bars....... Editted; yeah, you got me and others on this. Nice joke.

Maybe you fine people can explain something to me.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

Just been there. Met for coffee last Sat.. Talked for 2 1/2 hours, seemed to go well. Told her in person that I would like to see her again and would e-mail her thru Match and wait to hear from her. Got home and did so that evening. She didn't read the e-mail til Thur. and still hasn't replied. Yup, the big brush off. I wish I had advice, but I'm just as clueless and in the same boat. People love their games, as the commenter below said. What's worse is the two times before in the last six months that I've been stood up by women from Match when I was supposed to meet them. It's not that hard to just send an e-mail and say "I've changed my mind and I don't want to meet/see you." Some people will not fess up about their feelings unless you just come out and confront them, like you did her, and then you might get the truth, as you did. To me, the confrontation is worth it because it saved you from her endlessly giving you excuses. In my case, the first of the two women who stood me up later admitted to me thru e-mail that she just wasn't interested in dating me as more than a friend, but she didn't say that was why she failed to show up that time. Didn't really matter what the reason was for her no-show, I told her I was done and that was it, since my friends have never done that to me in my life. But she never would have come out with how she wasn't that interested in me if I hadn't confronted her.

I've never worked at Walmart, nor personally known anyone who who works or has worked there; but one...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

All retail workers will eventually be replaced by automation as retail stores empty out to only carry about 15% of their inventory and sell all the rest online, but Wal-Mart is the worst. I'm still not well off enough to avoid shopping there at all, but I really try to avoid going in there because it's so depressing. I've never visited a prison, just seen people do it in movies and TV, but going into Wal-Mart feels like visiting people in prison as I imagine it would be as well as what I have heard it's like, people who don't want to be there, hate it, and have lost all hope in their lives.

Which Values are Most Important to you?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

Empathy, because when people have it kindness and compassion flow from it. And because there is such a critical shortage of it as narcissism becomes more and more the predominant personality type.

[aish.com] 4 Ways to Eliminate Negative Dating Beliefs

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

It's crap.

What three things do you like about yourself?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

I tell the truth, I live by my principles, and make a good, loyal friend.

Has anyone else done this?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

Tried it once when I was a lot younger, could get dates most of the time when I tried, and still had some hair on my head. Still didn't work, so no way I'd try it now. Back then I ended up selling the extra ticket to a guy that I sat next to that was ok to talk to at the show.

Some folks are just plain lazy.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

True story. In my final job before recent retirement, I drove a small school bus for a route that had only homeless kids that were either staying in shelters or with relatives in a nearby city while attending school in my city. One day I was stopped at a traffic light where a pretty convincing-looking homeless guy was begging from vehicles.A couple of middle school kids on my bus actually started making fun of this guy and against my orders, lowered their windows and dropped a couple dollars out the window for their amusement of watching him scramble to pick up the cash. I pointed out to them that they had no room to be making fun of someone for being homeless and one of them actually got away with complaining that I insulted him by pointing out that he was homeless. PC gone mad and in this case the kid was merely using it as a weapon to get me in trouble as his feelings were not hurt and he thought the whole thing was funny. These were coincidentally poor Hispanic kids who were doing this. Yes, these nimrod kids were too young to maybe know what jerks they were being, but since their behavior in this case was pretty normal for them, it was one of the last straws before I quit, since I could not get any of them disciplined for behavior or transfer myself off the route even with all my seniority( the management wanted to force me out and this was their method). I'd had enough bullshit from the kids, the schools, and management that I retired to get away from the stress. The schools and bus company would never suspend or kick them off the bus because they were poor, minority, and homeless, but the kids knew this so they could act as they pleased. It became abusive, not having a monitor on the bus to deal with them for me. Point of rant is: Sometimes both the homeless and those who judge them are pretty clueless about themselves and others, displaying huge deficits in insight or empathy.

So let's take a look at your qualifications.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 15, 2018:

So many openings for the MIchael Scott (The Office) line "That's what she said", I just couldn't resist!

OK men.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 14, 2018:

You're a man. Who are you asking for?

I want peace ✌✌✌

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 14, 2018:

As a obvious John Lennon type character once said on Monty Python, "I'd like to start a war for peace".

I found this card earlier in the year and found it hilarious but because of the breakdown in my ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 14, 2018:

I've seen that card before and love it. No, I've never censored my online content for offline reasons because my online involvement is so limited anyway.

Ghosting is a term normally reserved for relationships.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 14, 2018:

Considering how most employers treat workers and job seekers these days, I say good for them if employers are now being ghosted. Payback's a bitch! Just ask Deiter about this subject. As far as personal, non-work relationships, that's another subject, which seems to get debated on this site weekly.

It bothers me when I see or hear an atheist or agnostic using the cliché "passed away.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 13, 2018:

I stubbornly insist on using the term died, since I hate euphanisms and weasel words. Plus, I enjoy how much it makes so-called polite people( who would prefer I conform with modern terminology and say "passed" or "passed away" ) uncomfortable. Lets them know I believe that this life is all we have.

Did anyone ever see Janis? Still no Woodstock attendees?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 13, 2018:

My late wife was there and told me all about it. Wish I had seen her perform live.

Name One Thing You Want in Your Life in 2019.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 13, 2018:

Begin travelling again and hopefully have a partner to enjoy that with.

How long did your longest relationship last? And why did it end?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 12, 2018:

21 years. She died of dementia.

I hear a lot of people talk about forgiveness making them feel better.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 11, 2018:

My younger sister did a no-show, no notification with my late wife's memorial service, while the rest of my immediate family showed up. She also never explained or apologized for it later even after I confronted her. I will never forgive or forget that, as it was not only disrespect to me and my wife, it also embarrassed my family, since everybody at the service noticed her conspicous absence and many commented about it to me. I may be estranged from my family, but I recognize the importance of such occaisons and respect them enough to show up and show appropriate loyalty to the family.

Wow! Dating religious people is a pain in the ass.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 10, 2018:

I don't know why one of us would knowingly date a believer if it was online dating or we had some other way at the start to know if they were religious. Anytime I see a profile essay that mentions God or faith I just skip on. Same thing if they have something in there about how big family is to them, how close they are to their family, kids, grandkids, etc., because that is info that tells me they would not be a match for me. Why waste time or be extra frustrated if the data is already there?

I am so, so tired of this: ".

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 10, 2018:

Keith- LiterateHiker pretty well covered it, but two things stand out to me-not saying I have tons of room to talk on this any more than you but- One, rejecting over 40% of the women as ugly seems a little too harsh and limited for a guy who's not outstanding looking. Guys in or around average need to be more flexible than that. Second, much of your essay, no matter how true it is, comes off as bragging. I've heard most women don't like that style. Having said all that, you seem like a pretty interesting, smart, cool guy. I wish you better luck than me. For an atheist, trying to date in OK must literally be hell...

It was 38 years ago tonight.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 9, 2018:

I was a college undergrad doing laundry in my apartment building when my brother called me with the news. I wasn't listening to the radio, but I heard many years later that a public radio DJ here in Iowa actually cried on the air (for the only time in his life) when he broke the news on his evening music show that night. So, every year around the time of this event, I sing Empty Garden as well as one Lennon song at karaoke. "What happened here, as the New York sunset disappeared....".

Some very important truths here :-) [youtube.com]

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 9, 2018:

Sad, but true. People all fit into classes of looks, at least in my mind. No different than economic classes. And the truth that he is expressing seems to be borne out in my observations of how people couple up in our society. With rare exceptions, people choose or seem to end up with someone who is either in their class or one class up, rarely see a couple where one is much better-looking than the other. When I first started with online dating, I would often try messaging women whose looks were two classes of looks better than mine because they also had profiles I liked and seemed to have a lot in common with me. Nowadays, I don't even bother messaging women with that level of looks, even if their profile seems compatible and interesting. Why the change? Because the women in that looks class have either never replied to my messages or when they (rarely) did, they said they weren't interested, sometimes with some reason or excuse that seemed lame or false, sometimes with no reason given. As they say in boxing, I've decided to stay within either my own weight class or at most one class higher.

One last Agnostic thought before I turn in:

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 9, 2018:

Ah, Homer Simpson, the idiot sage of wisdom. "Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all our problems....".

I came a long way to see her.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 9, 2018:

I own a DVD of that movie, which is my favorite rock film. I agree with how that movie makes you want to dance with it. The other rock film that does that for me is the film version of Hair.

How much should you sleep? Napping, fatigue, and oversleeping

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 9, 2018:

I sleep too much and I know it's not good for me, since I already have heart issues, but it's from a combination of boredom and depression. I am trying to gradually cut down and at the same time begin exercising everyday like I used to.

I had a hell of a scare tonight.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 9, 2018:

I'm glad the cat is ok and didn't suffer. I suppose burnt fur didn't smell too good.

If A Woman is Always Right Why Do They Keep Picking The Wrong Men? Is This Insulting?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 8, 2018:

Same reasons men pick the wrong partners. First, there's not seeing the red flags or being too inexperienced with relationships to know who's right for them. Later on, the only reason might be hope or lust over experience.

People who are currently living with a partner or have done so in the past, how did you manage the ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 8, 2018:

50/50 and kept separate accounts, investments. Also had a prenup before the marriage.

What do you turn to in times of sadness?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 8, 2018:

I try to use music, listening to it and going to sing at karaoke shows once or twice a week. One of the shows has a couple karaoke friends I can hang with. Singing helps me release emotions in a healthy way and gives me enjoyment. Excercise is also good. Spending time with friends is always good. I have one friend that likes to see movies about once a week. Went to hear free live music last night on my birthday. Was a great way to celebrate it.

I'm curious how much of the membership here feels about the unsettling future awaiting us in both ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 4, 2018:

Thanks for your comments. I agree with a couple of you about what happens in the meantime. Which is more unemployed people chasing fewer jobs which become increasingly part-time and no benefits, ie. Wal-Mart, convenience store, and McDonald's, until those all become automated. Soylent Green, here we come......It's also interesting that the UBI idea seems to have appeal on this site to both lefties and righties.

Anti choice people are not trying to stop abortion, they are trying to legislate who can and cannot ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 4, 2018:

The greedhead and pro-business types in the Repub Party don't give a shit about abortion as their women will always have access to contraception and abortions, but the Bible-thumpers in the party do really hate abortion and want it outlawed for all if they had the power to get it done. But they never will because the first two groups in the Repub Party know that overturning Roe V Wade would kill their party with the voters. It would be just as epic as the way the 1964 Civil Rights Act lost the South for the Dems ever since then. That's why it's never happened even tho the Supreme Court has had the votes to overturn it on many occaisions. It's one small consolation looking at how right- wing the court is now and will be for a long time to come.

Have you ever done anything that would be considered sexual harassment?

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 4, 2018:

Anyone who's ever watched the TV show The Office has probably heard someone at a workplace throw in the tagline from the show onto something else spoken innocently. The line was "That's what she said..."

I really hate when people come to work sick.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 3, 2018:

Most of my jobs were low wage and no benefits, so I often worked sick as did my co-workers, because we had no choice. But even when money was tight, I would stay home sick on days when I was very ill, figuring my long-term health was worth something to me even if my employer couldn't care less. Am so glad to be retired and not have to choose anymore. Also, I very rarely get sick with colds or flu anymore. Some people wonder why someone would retire early, well it's probably because they always or usually had better jobs than me that they actually enjoyed and were treated way better by their employers. To most of us, work is nothing more than a business transaction where you rent your body and mind in order to survive. When most of your work life is like that, who wouldn't get out as soon as they could afford it.

The only thing worse than women posting kissy faces in their dating profile is when guys do it.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 3, 2018:

Wouldn't say it's a pet peeve, but I would say it's a turn-off when all of or their only photo is of them with a very stern look on their face or with sunglasses covering their eyes. If they can't show a smile somewhere in their profile or they're hiding their eyes and much of their face, there's no way I'm interested in them. Those kind of photos make me think they are way too guarded and defensive. May also be very critical towards others.

This time of year, it sucks being single.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 2, 2018:

The movie theaters are always open, so I may go see one. Depends on the weather. Around here it's almost always very cold, snowy and windy on NY Eve..

It's sort of ridiculous that they give me random drug tests at work.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 2, 2018:

It's a sick joke. With most jobs that are low-wage and no benefits, drug testing is just an exercise in showing the peons who's boss and discouraging them from getting uppity and thinking of unionizing.

How are you supposed to date when everyone you go out with thinks that they are the only one you're ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 2, 2018:

When you join a dating site like I have, you just assume that everyone you meet on there is also seeing other people until such time as you have seen each other a while and one of you feels like bringing up the question of exclusivity. As others have said here tho, the exception to waiting on the talk about exclusivity is when things become sexual....

Saw this on a friend's Facebook page.

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 1, 2018:

By this logic, God reminds me too much of that sadistic warden in Cool Hand Luke, one of my fav all-time films, where he says to Luke (one of the inmates) after the guards mercilessly beat him, "Now, Luke, I only do this for your own good". To which Luke says, " I just wish you'd quit being so good to me, captain".

Hope none of you women of child-bearing age live in Oklahoma! [friendlyatheist.patheos.com]

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 1, 2018:

I live in Iowa, where a fetal heartbeat bill was passed with the approval of both houses of the legislature under Repub control and signed by a female Repub governor. The bill is equally draconian as this in its attitude towards women. What keeps baffling me is how these Repubs keep getting women to vote for them in numbers that allow them to win in my state. Maybe one answer can be found in The Handmaid's Tale, where the society has the role of the Aunts available for those women who choose to sell out their gender sisters in order to score a better deal and more status in the society. Maybe that is what Repub women do in order to live with more money or status in the present system.

A friend of mine i was talking to yesterday said to me, Sometimes its better for some peo to get ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Dec 1, 2018:

Worked for me. I got married first (and only) time at age 40. Was the right thing because I was not only mature enough but the woman had no kids, like me, and was too old to want or have them. Which worked out great because when I was dating before her it seemed like none of the women my age wanted me since they either wanted kids or already had them and I made it clear I didn't want to be a parent or stepparent.

Other than Agnostic, what social networks do you use and like?

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 26, 2018:

Facebook and only with a handful of people.

If I have to waste one more conversation on some ignorant ahole who wants to convert me, I think I ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 25, 2018:

I'm sorry about your experience, but I can relate. With families like ours, you need to replace them with a family of supportive friends whenever possible. Haven't had the experience of women trying to convert me tho, lucky me.

Hello everyone, i am having a very hard time finding men that don't stand me up.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 25, 2018:

I've been stood up the last two times-different women over three months time-that I was supposed to meet women from Match. I have no advice, there are just some people out there that have no empathy or conscience. But I can tell you that in my case posting about it on this site ended up attracting a few troll bullies who blamed me for what happened, so watch out.....

I created a group, dating for real people feel free to join.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 25, 2018:

Darien- Could you elaborate some more on what type of group this is meant to be? Is it focused on just being for average-looking people or what? I'm curious and possibly interested in joining it.

Pardon a boast: I preached and sang this morning at the Unitarian Universalist church in Montclair, ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 25, 2018:

I'm happy for you. I used to have that experience once in a while at the two Unitarian churches in my area. But that was when I was a decade or two younger and those in charge of the music would let me sing solos at services with an accompanist. Would sing pop or folk songs that fit the sermon. Now, that I'm not young and cute enough they quit asking me to sing, even tho my voice is still pretty good. Ah, church politics... Part of why I haven't attended in a couple years. I admire your confidence to write and present a sermon at a UU church. Even when things were more positive for me at the local churches, I never did try to create a service around a topic and present a sermon, even tho I am a good writer. It takes more guts to do that than to sing, in my book.

How is one meant to navigate their way through a dating site with lots of profile pictures and ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 24, 2018:

With lots of patience, a thick skin, and trying to be as polite and kind as you can. Because you are in for a long endurance test at best. Or you can blow off anything I've said because I've been on a paid site for a year and have only met 4 women in person, which I'm told is actually pretty normal for average guys. Also know that there appears to be a lot of lying by both genders on dating sites, so you have to expect a lot of cynicism from women towards you based on the behavior of other men and at the same time be skeptical yourself, until you learn more about a woman, about what most women say in their profiles. My comments above are more about paid dating sites like Match.com Were you talking about this site instead? I just noticed that you live in the UK, so your situation may be quite different. You might want to clarify more what site you're talking about. On this site, I do believe people are more likely to be honest and not play games than on most paid sites.

The more time that goes by the more I am starting to realize how important real communication is.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 23, 2018:

It is ironic that almost all the women's profiles on Match in my area have all the cliches about honesty, open communication is a must, etc/, but so few of them will reply to me messaging them with interest. Even after they read my long, sincere, very open profile essay. Which leads me to believe that either they are lying about how important communication is in who they are seeking vs. looks, money, etc. or that they really have no idea what they are talking about in their platitude, cliche-filled essays of their own. They would not know someone who also values communication and honesty if that person's profile hit them in the face.

In loving Memory of JFK! 55 years ago this day our history was forever overtly changed! How ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 22, 2018:

I was only five years old and too young to get the whole picture, but not that many years later when I was in my late teens I realized that this event revealed the truth of how we no longer had a real democracy, if we ever had lived in one before.

Is it possible to fall in love with someone with opposing political views?

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 22, 2018:

I could not date a conservative at all, probably not even a middle of the road person politically unless politics was not very important to them.

Has anyone been to the botanical gardens in Des Moines since the renovation?

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 22, 2018:

Nope.

I am coming out to my boyfriend tomorrow! Any advice?

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 21, 2018:

Good luck, but from what you've shared it could go either way. I'm glad you have the courage to level with him and be true to your principles. If he can't respect that and your newly-revealed difference, then you'll have your answer about whether to stay with him. I've never been in a position like yours, so I have no ideas for what to say.

It's time to connect with an agnostic community! I'm looking to reach others that live in the SF ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 21, 2018:

I envy you living in your area. There should be tons of non-religious women in your area that are hip, liberal, educated, etc. and available. If I lived there I wouldn't need this site to meet anyone for dating, that's for sure. Good luck, not that you'll need it.

It sure seems like it sometimes.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 21, 2018:

My brain usually worked fine during exams, not as well when in love..., still probably better than most since I never tried to remake myself or threw away my life for anyone with a doomed relationship. Never knocked anyone up either.

OH yea the reason I split up with her was the fact he was a fatter version of me but i was not ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 21, 2018:

The original post makes no sense as it is written. Needs editing before we can comment on its meaning.

Agnostic.com demographics

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 21, 2018:

I'm curious too. I keep hearing on the boards that they site is overwhelmingly male.

Practice safe on-line dating.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 21, 2018:

I've had a few times on another paid site, not Match, where scammers kept messaging me for a little while without asking me for money. I let them keep doing it without blocking them out of a mixture of curiosity and amusement to see what their approach would be. Only had one scammer ever ask me for money and it was really quick after she or whoever it was began messaging me. Just told her no and she disappeared instantly.

Things you don't find acceptable.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 21, 2018:

Never met anyone in the dating scene that had personal hygiene problems, so I'll stick to personality dealbreakers: Likes country music much. Everything RealHuman said below, Homophobe, Dishonesty, Conservsative politics, undependability.

Ohio judge who punched his wife 20 times and slammed her head against the dashboard of his car in ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 20, 2018:

My father was physically abusive to me and my mother while I was growing up. He was a longtime career judge. I'm not surprised by this story at all.

I've only ghosted 3 individuals in my life.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 20, 2018:

I really doubt that many people who callously ghost others online have been thru what you have, so I will continue to condemn the practice. What you describe doing nowadays as you protect yourself does not seem to fit the definition of ghosting according to the article or my understanding of the term. So I'm fine with what you are doing for yourself these days to be safe. My beef is with people who do it simply because it's easy for them and they have no conscience, heart, or empathy. And I think the latter group would include the vast majority of those who ghost.

Why ghosting hurts. [psychologytoday.com]

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 19, 2018:

I have never ghosted anyone, online or offline, nor have I ever stood anyone up for a date. My friends have never stood me up for a meeting. If they did without working it out in a healthy way to regain my trust, we would be done. People can blame it on the online dating culture or, for all I care, how their parents never hugged them enough as kids. But to me, that's all bullshit because they are adults making individual decisions which, as the article says, end in an act of emotional cruelty. I know they will deny this, but to my mind and standards, if you don't have the emotional health and honesty to end things like a mature adult, you have no business on a dating site to supposedly seek someone to date. We all deserve respect and ghosting is an act that shows the opposite of that.

Dating past 40 question: your looks are gone, how do you find a mate in this ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 19, 2018:

When I was young and had better looks, I wasn't confident about them. Now that I'm older and widowed, I have some confidence that I can look and be attractive, at least to some women and was to one in particular. But I still have no illusions that my looks are anything but average so my attitude about dating is to approach the average and above average-looking women who interest me for their looks, personality and shared interests while leaving the great lookers alone, as they will only reject me anyway and be a waste of time for me to approach.

Psychologists Explain How to Deal with the Nightmare that is Thanksgiving Dinner

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 19, 2018:

I'm glad the group is in touch with the fact that many families are toxic and with those it's best to stay away from them and be with friends-if available-or go it alone if not. The local Unitarian church hosts a TG dinner event at someone's home precisely because they are aware of this issue as well as the fact that some of its members may not have any family to be with at all due to distance away or deaths. Also it is common among Unitarians for them to be estranged from their believer families of origin, so the church is filling in for those in that situation. I will be joining two of my siblings and their spouses on TG where my father lives, even tho we are not on good terms, because my father is 90 yo, in bad health and not likely to be around that much longer. Once he's gone, I doubt I will have anything to do with them or my brother. To read the women's profiles on Match, it sounds like all of them grew up with close, happy families and still have those kind of relationships with their original families and their kids. But since the vast majority of them are divorced, we here know that's not the case and better than that........Ah, but to admit the reality would seem so...un-Christian?.........If I were not seeing my father because it's important to him and me at this stage, I would be attending the Unitarian TG dinner even tho I haven't attended the church for almost two years. That's what I'll be doing most likely after he dies when they offer holiday events as all but one of my local friends is married and have their own holiday gatherings.

How do you handle when someone obviously lies to you?

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 18, 2018:

If the lie is about something involving me or them or our relationship, I confront the shit out of them and then, if they don't aplogize and own up to it, I cut ties. If it was an online dating situation, I would still confront them and then move on no matter what the response.

Why is it so damned important to post a profile pic on most all of social media, this site included.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 15, 2018:

If I am looking for someone to date I don't want to have to take their word about their looks. Because, like you say, some people underrate themselves on looks, but just as many or more people lie and overrate their looks. Either way, I want to know and make up my own mind before I approach them thru the site. I don't want to waste my time or theirs or hurt anyone's feelings by contacting them if I don't already have photos to give me some idea if their looks are such that I could ever be physically attracted to them. As far as photos being required for anything, the fact is that on a paid dating site where everyone knows there is so much lying going on in people's profiles, both men and women, at least most, want to see both a close up head shot and a full body shot among the photos or they will not bother messaging that person. Nobody is going to just take someone's word about their body type or whether their face looks attractive and or healthy.

Do women prefer family men?

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 15, 2018:

The trend I've noticed on Match-no idea how it is on here-is that women who are in their mid-fifties or older who DON'T have kids seem to prefer men who DO have kids. I can only think the reason for that is they are thinking ahead and wanting to gain a family of support should the man die and leave them widowed. The hope is that the man's family would comfort and look after her when she is older and sick.

Tried Match.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 15, 2018:

I've been on Match a little over a year. Price is a little higher than other sites like Our Time, but probably because Match has the largest membership pool of any US dating site. George is right tho, you have to be aware that Match. like any paid dating site, will keep using someone's profile long after they have actually quit the site just so the site looks like they have more actual members than they do have. Hell, I get profiles sent to me every day among the Daily Matches that are supposed to be picked based on who I have messaged or rated as someone I want to meet, but each time there are some profiles that are obviously long inactive, even some repeaters that I recognize as dead profiles. Honesty and integrity are not long suits on paid dating sites, but how else will one get access to such a large pool of single people?

Hi everyone.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 12, 2018:

Sorry for your suffering and disappointment. In my case I was widowed two years ago after a marriage of 18 years. Would like to find someone for another long term relationship, but will not get married again at this age. Not even sure I will live with someone again. Marriage at my age is not a requirement (with no kids) and I can provide for someone financially just as well thru a will as being married since my SS will not likely be higher than my future partner. No need to risk a divorce for me. It might help if a future partner was similar to my late wife, but I'm not looking for a copy of her, as she was not perfect, hell knows I'm not, and neither was our marriage even tho it was a good one. I've changed for sure since we got married and my wife's illness and death made sure of that. So someone with a few differences from my wife might be a good thing. I'm in no hurry to get serious with someone.

Human Connection is fundamentally difficult.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 12, 2018:

It's difficult to make it work even if you are compatible with someone and then, at least for me, there are these several ways in which I am so out of the mainstream for people in my local area that it will at least take a while to find someone right. I know that I am searching for a type of woman that makes up maybe a few percent of any available women at a given time in my local area. Not a needle in a haystack, but sometimes it seems like not a whole lot bigger probability than that. This site is both my support group and my focus group, as far as the women on it, for helping me find my way thru the online dating process. It took me 20 years of sporadic, unsuccessful dating to find my late wife, but it was worth it, much as I had given up hope at times or wanted to quit trying, so, yes, it's difficult but worth it.

Love and Relationships

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 12, 2018:

Yeah, but I don't have much hope. Very few women my age in my local area on this site.

Dan and I just returned from seeing "Bohemian Rhapsody" the epic awesome bio of Queen and Freddy ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 11, 2018:

I was never a big Queen fan, but I respected their unique sound and I learned a lot of new things about Freddie from the movie. I thought it was very well done and could have instead ended up very easily blown with bad acting from the one playing Freddie or bad writing of the story. It only took 25 years since Freddie's death for this movie to come out. I only hope an equally good film is made about David Bowie, someone I was a fan of, before I am dead. I know I don't have 25 years left.

I turned down a guy for a date late last night at the market.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 10, 2018:

Makes me glad that I always zip in and out fast when I buy a bunch of Healthy Choice frozen dinners. If you caught me doing that would I be rejected on that basis? Some guys either don't know how or want to cook, but they still try to eat relatively healthy.

Hmmmm.

TomMcGiverin comments on Nov 9, 2018:

On behavorial things and choices we make on what we do together and how we do it, yes, compromises can still be made and need to be made in any relationship at any age. But as far as personality, no, I believe by age 50 we are who we are and are not going to change after that.