After 5 years of withdrawal from life (after the death of my husband) I decided to try online ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Mar 15, 2019:

The funny thing is I can believe and see the truth of most of Sue's criticisms, but, as has often been said on this site regarding dating behaviors brought up about one gender, it goes both ways. I long ago lost count on the paid site that I'm a member of about how many women who were in their ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 15, 2019:

@Booklover I didn't consider her shallow, if that is what you were meaning. This woman really enjoyed exercise and fitness, so for her it was a dealbreaker to have a partner that shared her level of fitness, passion for it, and the experience of working out together. Maybe you were talking about the fit men her age who rejected her solely on her age, with no regard for her physical condition. If that's what you meant, I totally agree, it's shallow to only want someone way younger than you regardless of what shape they are in or how compatible their personality is. Those kind of men are usually in fear of their own aging and also want a younger woman that is not an equal as far as maturity or intelligence.

After 5 years of withdrawal from life (after the death of my husband) I decided to try online ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Mar 15, 2019:

The funny thing is I can believe and see the truth of most of Sue's criticisms, but, as has often been said on this site regarding dating behaviors brought up about one gender, it goes both ways. I long ago lost count on the paid site that I'm a member of about how many women who were in their ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 15, 2019:

@Booklover, @DevraisA1 Both you and Sue, the OP, have a lot more company out there than you may think. The first woman I met from Batch was 65 and in extremely fit shape. She ran 5 K races regularly, jogged out in the cold of winter, biked frequently, was thin as a rail and probably in the same cardiovascular shape as most women who were 15-20 years younger than her. She was the female version of Rob. We had a fair amount of things in common, but no physical attraction on my part, at least. So we got together occasionally as friends for several months. But what she frequently complained about with Batch is that all the men her age wanted someone much younger than her even tho she was in great shape for her age, while meanwhile all the men that she was sent profile matches for her age were, according to her, " Couch potatoes with a beer gut", nobody that she was interested in. She quickly gave up on meeting anyone compatible and dropped off the site long before her membership expired. BTW, I told her the same thing, that if the men her age that were physically fit wouldn't give her a chance due to her age, then maybe she ought to consider playing cougar and try dating men who were the same age as her level of fitness, like someone in their late 40s or 50s. Her response, " I don't want to date boys. They would be way too immature and nobody I could talk to".

After 5 years of withdrawal from life (after the death of my husband) I decided to try online ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Mar 15, 2019:

The funny thing is I can believe and see the truth of most of Sue's criticisms, but, as has often been said on this site regarding dating behaviors brought up about one gender, it goes both ways. I long ago lost count on the paid site that I'm a member of about how many women who were in their ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 15, 2019:

@Booklover I'm only able to speculate here, but as far as the women in their 50s I see on Batch that are looking mainly for men much younger than them, I don't think talking with the guy is a priority. I think they are mainly after a casual sex-based relationship now that they are divorced and the kids are out of the nest. Something more than FWB, but not too much more. Remember tho that we are talking cougars who are about ten years younger than you Nancy.....

After 5 years of withdrawal from life (after the death of my husband) I decided to try online ...

brainyactress comments on Mar 15, 2019:

I’m not sure I see game playing here. Just people saying what they’re looking for up front.

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 15, 2019:

@SiouxcitySue Wayward Atheist apparently has me blocked, so I can only guess what she said about the hypocrisy of men somewhere, whether in this thread or on Sue's paid site.....

After 5 years of withdrawal from life (after the death of my husband) I decided to try online ...

Robecology comments on Mar 15, 2019:

Kind of a harsh evaluation for us senior men; full of exaggeration and bitterness. I'm a 73 year old who recently ended things with a 60 year old who simply was getting too old for me... She didn't like to bike nor swim...and no...neither of us attended "the gym 3 to 18 days a week, bicycle ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 15, 2019:

@IrishTxJudy I don't know if she posts in this group or not, but that's irrelevant. My point is that she has said the same kind of things as Rob about what she wants in a partner regarding fitness and she gets a much different response from women than he did here. That is the double standard I'm talking about here. Literate Hiker has said the same kind of things many times somewhere on the forums of this site.

After 5 years of withdrawal from life (after the death of my husband) I decided to try online ...

Robecology comments on Mar 15, 2019:

Kind of a harsh evaluation for us senior men; full of exaggeration and bitterness. I'm a 73 year old who recently ended things with a 60 year old who simply was getting too old for me... She didn't like to bike nor swim...and no...neither of us attended "the gym 3 to 18 days a week, bicycle ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 15, 2019:

Rob- While it doesn't surprise me that you are getting bashed by some women on here for your views about wanting a woman who is physically fit and shares your values on that issue, it does gall me that you are seeming to say and feel the same things as LiterateHiker on this subject, things that everyone on here has heard her say with no one expressing problems with her viewpoint. I smell a double standard that some women on here just can't stand a man having the same viewpoint as a woman on something that is a sensitive issue to them personally. They can hear it from a woman with no offense, but how dare a man say the same thing or feel that way regarding women. Hypocrisy much?

Let me never engage with a person who wants to wear a genital go-pro camera during sex. [cnet.com]

TomMcGiverin comments on Mar 14, 2019:

Redefined boundaries for the Facebook generation....

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 14, 2019:

@Quarm Sooner than you end up reading this, lol.

Is there any particular favorite activity listed in someone's profile that is a deal breaker for ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 15, 2019:

Several activities on a profile are dealbreakers for me if they seem to be the main or fav activity of the woman: Smoking. Listening to country music. Attending college football or basketball. Camping or fishing. And in my area, this eliminates a lot of women who want a guy that shares these ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 14, 2019:

@Allamanda Can't and won't. I need my friends too much and they are my safety net. I would not move away from them and then risk having the relationship not work out and then have to move back again. I'm too old for that.

Is there any particular favorite activity listed in someone's profile that is a deal breaker for ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 15, 2019:

Several activities on a profile are dealbreakers for me if they seem to be the main or fav activity of the woman: Smoking. Listening to country music. Attending college football or basketball. Camping or fishing. And in my area, this eliminates a lot of women who want a guy that shares these ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 14, 2019:

@Allamanda I'm completely serious about how popular all of these things, including what Carolina Girl said, are in my area. It's because I'm in the middle of farming country. College sports, namely football and basketball, are very big in my state because we have no major league teams in Iowa, so the college teams serve as a substitute for that.

What was your worst experience with someone from an online dating site?

tinkercreek comments on Mar 13, 2019:

OK: A couple years ago I started dating someone and things were going well over a couple months. We had attraction, similar backgrounds, values and interests in common, having fun and getting along well. He asked me/brought me to an RV dealer to help in the final pick of a travel trailer he'd been ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 13, 2019:

You got suckered by a player, the kind of man guys like me hate. Because they are usually charming, nice-looking and end up having no problem meeting lots of women in person. And then, after they screw these women over and make them even more bitter and cynical towards men in general, I get the privilege of dealing with said women's bitterness and cynicism by the time they meet me even tho I've had no part in causing it.

I miss when guys would call instead of txt

mzbehavin comments on Mar 10, 2019:

Lots of people txt because they don't have to give up what they are actually doing in order to communicate with you. People are choosing txting instead of giving you their undivided attention. It's easy to watch tv or listen to music or be in a bar and txt to visit. Not so with a phone call. ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 11, 2019:

Exactly right. These people are selfish and self important, too much of both for me...

What was your worst experience with someone from an online dating site?

sweetcharlotte comments on Mar 11, 2019:

My experience came from Face Book, rather than a dating site. An older retired police detective found my picture and town on FB. He wrote and asked me to meet him for a Outback dinner on New Years Eve 2009. I accepted. He seemed nice, was tall and handsome, in a Stetson western hat and cowboy...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 11, 2019:

Reminds me way too much of Silence Of The Lambs......Did he ever happen to say " Good evening, Clarice..."?

Washing the cats I had an app't with my doctor because of the year- long cold.

TheGreatShadow comments on Mar 11, 2019:

Have you tried brushing kitty with a cat brush once a day? Main Coons have very long hair as you mentioned. My mom had a Norwegian Forest Cat (which is kind of similar). Brushed him once a day and had good results. He go so used to being brushed that he knew at a certian time in the evening.. he ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 11, 2019:

My neighbor has a Norwegian Forest cat and it does not like water. She will claw fiercely if anyone tries to bathe her. I don't know if she tries brushing her.

He's so fine!

RobertNappi2 comments on Mar 11, 2019:

Damn ...Kittie with an attitude!!!

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 11, 2019:

This cat already knows it's all that....

I would think there are free thinkers athiests an agnostic women in ontario canada.

TomMcGiverin comments on Mar 11, 2019:

I'm sure there are non-believer women in my area, but they don't know about this site as no women have joined from my area in the last two years.

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 11, 2019:

@Cast1es How would I? I've told a few non-believers about it, but they are friends who are married and in no need of new friends, so they aren't going to come here.

Had a very disheartening experience yesterday at a grocery store.

misstuffy comments on Mar 10, 2019:

Hy Vee originated in my home town, Chariton IA. Luckily we don't have those self check outs here and they still hire disabled workers to bring in carts and what not. They did move all their corporate offices to West Des Moines because I guess we don't offer enough amusements for guests flying in ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 10, 2019:

Right about that too. Moving the corporate offices to WDM was the beginning of the company no longer being so caring and connected to their employees and customers. They do still hire disabled people here too, but after seeing the scan machines, it's only a matter of time before they stop that practice too. Got to have those max profits, just like WalMart.....

Had a very disheartening experience yesterday at a grocery store.

mzbehavin comments on Feb 7, 2019:

Why don't you take this concern to the Home Office. What about emailing them your frustration and point of views? You never know, you may be adding your voice to many others with the same feelings.

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 10, 2019:

@misstuffy Exactly right. They went ahead and did this, just like the scan and go machines, without any customer input or request, all in the interest of making more money, higher profits. What's funny is that after they got rid of the old HyVee delis and their old menu, they ended up getting rid of some of the Market Grills because of just what you said, being too expensive and not having what the customers wanted for menus. They actually went back to the old delis with some of them. It's all because Hy Vee is no longer a service -oriented company that cares about its customers like in the old days. They are now just as corporate, greedy, and uncaring about customers as WalMart. Nice to see you back, MS.

Read a good book yesterday and wanted to pass it along.

TomMcGiverin comments on Mar 9, 2019:

My brother went to an Ivy league school, Dartmouth, for one year, then dropped out because it was too expensive, which was back in the 70s. Can only imagine what it costs now. He took away from it a very disillusioned view of how the offspring of the elite think and act as well as the lesson that ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 9, 2019:

@linxminx Thank you. My brother and I unfortunately grew up in a small town in Iowa, but he's a pretty sharp guy, even if we don't get along. He eventually went to Syracuse U. for a masters in English Fiction writing and got to know the writer Jay Mc Innerney, who wrote Bright Lights, Big City, among other novels and short stories, then got a law degree from Columbia, another Ivy League school where he got to know Caroline Kennedy, among some other members of the elite families of America. He ended up as a fed magistrate in Puerto Rico and I have no doubt some of his Columbia connections led to that job. As far as critical thinking, my brother already had those skills before he got to Dartmouth, but, at least back then, they did teach critical thinking there in most classes. He also had original thoughts, but he would probably agree that many of his classmates did not. They were trust fund babies for the most part and would do just fine in life without having any original thoughts because their families could provide them with unlimited extra chances if they failed at anything.

Question. Do you avoid dating people with the same name as your ex or exes?

HippieChick58 comments on Mar 6, 2019:

My dad was a Richard, my mean brother is Richard, my first ex was Dennis Richard, the father of my children and 2nd ex husband is Richard, and the long term long distance that broke my heart is a Richard. So, I ask you, should I avoid Richards?

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 6, 2019:

@Wangobango3 Saw that one coming a mile away.....

Your shitty childhood isn't an excuse to be a shitty person.

HippieChick58 comments on Mar 3, 2019:

I grew up in an abusive home, and as some children do I believed it was my fault, or at least much of it was my fault. When I became a parent and my oldest daughter reached the age I was when the serious abuse started, I realized how little control she had, and I had over anything. And that flash of...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 3, 2019:

@HippieChick58 I admire your courage and am happy parenthood turned out well for you and your kids.

Can you develop a friendship with an on line dating partner with whom you feel no chemistry?

Sticks48 comments on Mar 3, 2019:

Here is my experience on this site. With one lady, we talked on the phone a few times. I liked talking to her, but she wanted more than friendship, so that became awkward, and ended. With another lady, there seemed to be really good chemistry. We spent hours on the phone and messaging coming to the ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 3, 2019:

I have yet to meet any women in person from Agnostic and I honestly don't think I ever will since I am not willing to date LD. I already have friends, so there's no point in meeting anyone from here locally for that either, even if there were any prospects in my area, which there haven't been any new ones in over 18 months. If anyone new my age joins here and they have pics that seem attractive, I will message them and offer to meet them, but I'm pretty pessimistic by now about that with this site. Sticks, you are talking about Agnostic, right?

Can you develop a friendship with an on line dating partner with whom you feel no chemistry?

zesty comments on Mar 3, 2019:

Handsy? As long as he washes his hands before playing with your clit - let him do it. Watch the movie too, multi-task. But it is just me, lol

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 3, 2019:

@zesty I guess we're all a little selfish, lol....

Your shitty childhood isn't an excuse to be a shitty person.

HippieChick58 comments on Mar 3, 2019:

I grew up in an abusive home, and as some children do I believed it was my fault, or at least much of it was my fault. When I became a parent and my oldest daughter reached the age I was when the serious abuse started, I realized how little control she had, and I had over anything. And that flash of...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 3, 2019:

Sounds quite familiar...You've also explained why I chose to never have kids. Better cycle broken than sorry.....

Online dating for dogs

glennlab comments on Mar 3, 2019:

still better than

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 3, 2019:

Hilarious...

Online dating for dogs

tinkercreek comments on Mar 3, 2019:

And just what makes this apply more to dogs than humans?

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 3, 2019:

Well put....

Can you develop a friendship with an on line dating partner with whom you feel no chemistry?

TomMcGiverin comments on Mar 3, 2019:

The short answer is a no, it will usually not work with someone from a dating site, at least with most men from our generation. I am an exception and have had platonic friendships with several women in my life, but from talking to other men our age, that doesn't seem very common. I think it boils ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 3, 2019:

@Sticks48 Thanks Sticks. I have a lot of respect for your opinions...

Can you develop a friendship with an on line dating partner with whom you feel no chemistry?

zesty comments on Mar 3, 2019:

Handsy? As long as he washes his hands before playing with your clit - let him do it. Watch the movie too, multi-task. But it is just me, lol

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 3, 2019:

Zesty, you are terrible... but very funny........

I gave up on online dating.

TomMcGiverin comments on Mar 1, 2019:

I share your pessimism and cynicism. Feel free to correct me if I'm misinterpreting you. I don't believe either in the "once you quit looking" cliche, it is luck-based thinking and a rationalization in my book. I also don't believe there is one perfect person for each of us. At my age, I think the ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 2, 2019:

@Cabsmom Glad to hear it.

Guys, this is getting under my skin and I need input.

TomMcGiverin comments on Mar 1, 2019:

I made the mistake of lending a book to an old girlfriend when I was in my 20s. It took me 6 months after we broke up to get it back and I had to go to her parent's house when she was visiting them to get it back. She enjoyed making things a chore, when she refused to mail it to me as I had asked ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 1, 2019:

@CarolinaGirl60 That would be my call too. In my case, I held out due to stubbornness and principle.

I went on date 2.

zesty comments on Mar 1, 2019:

Did you check his endovement? This is more important than his opinion on the climate change. As a matter of fact, he could be right.

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 1, 2019:

@Stephanie99 My guess is that it's a typo and she meant endowment, as in his cock size. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I'm just going by the slant of her usual comments...

Yuck, I had to send a "Dear John" letter to a lady I met online.

CarolinaGirl60 comments on Feb 28, 2019:

I’ve tried three ways to break off. #1There’s ghosting: block them in every way then disappear. Usually these, turn out to be, or begin to show, creepy behavior that scares me into running. It can be tough to break it off in person or by phone, since they react with threats, name-calling, ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 1, 2019:

@LetzGetReal I am very convinced that technology, like the net, which makes things convenient and impersonal, usually brings out the worst in people. Not that it's an excuse. Sort of how I feel about people getting drunk. It usually doesn't make them act different than who they are, it brings out more of who they really are.....

Yuck, I had to send a "Dear John" letter to a lady I met online.

Redheadedgammy comments on Feb 28, 2019:

Back when I was dating I had a few instances where I realized the other person just wasn't my cup of tea. I met with them face to face and told them although we had some enjoyable times getting to know one another, I realized we were just not a match and that I didn't want to go further into the ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 1, 2019:

I wish more were like you...

Just a few minutes ago I cancelled my subscription to one of those 'over 50' sites.

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 28, 2019:

After today, in all honesty, I am starting to feel like I am getting there too. And this is not an easy thing to admit, because I know from experience that online dating is probably my only real chance of meeting someone in the next few years, which is what I want. I know this because I have already...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 1, 2019:

@potteryguy2018 I don't doubt you at all sir. My experience has been different as far as women seeming to be very insincere in their profile essays, dishonest about how much looks matter to them compared to character and personality, and a lot of disappointment in who has been interested in dating me or giving me a chance to meet them. I have now met 6 women in almost 18 months, an average of one per every 3 months. Only one of them was physically attractive to me and she wasn't feeling that for me. Yeah, it's a shit show, but at least I have had little interest from scammers. Ironically, two of the women who were interested in me but not compatible were ones who looked attractive from their pics, but had clearly not read my profile. They were both religious and politically conservative. I didn't bother replying to them. I found it very ironic.... Gwen is so right about how much looks matter in online dating with paid sites. I almost never get a reply when I message a woman who looks above average in her pics. Trying to date out of my league there I suppose......

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Heidi68 comments on Feb 28, 2019:

My observation. Online dating is difficult because you don't know each other. You keep belittling the woman in this situation (and while I agree, since it was next to her work she could have checked but) - you continue to talk about your character. She doesn't know your true character because ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Mar 1, 2019:

@Heidi68 In social interactions I take people at their word, until they begin proving untrustworthy. As soon as they do, we are done. No second chances. Fool me once....

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Heidi68 comments on Feb 28, 2019:

My observation. Online dating is difficult because you don't know each other. You keep belittling the woman in this situation (and while I agree, since it was next to her work she could have checked but) - you continue to talk about your character. She doesn't know your true character because ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@Heidi68 I know that Heidi and I really do approach each woman on Batch with an open mind, but I really am tired of dealing with so many women who continue to take out their baggage on totally innocent men like me, who've done them no wrong. It gets really fucking old. I think most of us understand that.. I have caused way more hurt to myself than to others in my life and even tho I don't believe in God, I sometimes feel like a sick joke is being played on me by someone of being punished for other people's sins. As one of my music idols, Patti Smith once sang, " Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine....".

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Heidi68 comments on Feb 28, 2019:

My observation. Online dating is difficult because you don't know each other. You keep belittling the woman in this situation (and while I agree, since it was next to her work she could have checked but) - you continue to talk about your character. She doesn't know your true character because ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@Heidi68 Thank you Heidi- I never took offense to anything you wrote last night on this thread. What some of the others wrote, that's another matter. I knew you were genuinely sympathetic and trying to help. This thread was obviously the reason for Proud Merrie's post today about manners. I have calmed down some from yesterday's experience and don't feel as defensive about some, but not all, of the comments posted last night. Some people are empathetic and some are determined to blame the man for any conflicts with women no matter what the situation. I now know who those people are and will take their opinions with a grain of salt, as you say....

I'm boarding a plane and headed to Texas to spend face to face time with Jonado.

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 28, 2019:

I used to chat with her on this site and I really liked her. I miss her too on this site. Tell her hi and I hope it works out for you two.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@Xanadutoo She had chatted with me about that. I agree with you on this.

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Heidi68 comments on Feb 28, 2019:

My observation. Online dating is difficult because you don't know each other. You keep belittling the woman in this situation (and while I agree, since it was next to her work she could have checked but) - you continue to talk about your character. She doesn't know your true character because ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@Heidi68 There are no rules on paid sites. Women can message men, a small minority even do, but women learn very quickly on those sites that men will do all the pursuing and they do. So the women quickly learn to sit back and wait for the messages to come in, which they do. That is the unwritten "rule" of how the game works in online dating on paid sites. The men pursue, women wait and then decide among the men who message them. That's just how it ends up for the most part...

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Heidi68 comments on Feb 28, 2019:

My observation. Online dating is difficult because you don't know each other. You keep belittling the woman in this situation (and while I agree, since it was next to her work she could have checked but) - you continue to talk about your character. She doesn't know your true character because ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

You're one of the few women on this thread disagreeing with me that actually comes off as genuine and supportive, rather than just blaming me and bashing. Thank you and I will consider your advice.

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Stephanie99 comments on Feb 27, 2019:

If it has been a few days since the date was made, it seems reasonable, and has been my experience, to confirm the day before, or that morning.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@Stephanie99 My point about honoring agreements still stands. People are either ethical or not. How common the practice you are pushing for doesn't change the ethical point. You never can stand me being right about anything Stephanie so I give you the same creedence as Wildflower, your tag partner that I blocked already.I see that you're carrying on for her.

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Stephanie99 comments on Feb 27, 2019:

If it has been a few days since the date was made, it seems reasonable, and has been my experience, to confirm the day before, or that morning.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@Stephanie99 So because most people confirm plans around the time of meeting it excuses not honoring one's agreements?

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

hippydog comments on Feb 28, 2019:

Heres the thing .. by texting them the day before.. you are showing interest.. its not "rule " or anything but i think many humans if they didnt hear from a prospective partner for a day or two , might feel ignored..

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@hippydog Feel free to block first, if you like..I can wait.....

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

hippydog comments on Feb 28, 2019:

Heres the thing .. by texting them the day before.. you are showing interest.. its not "rule " or anything but i think many humans if they didnt hear from a prospective partner for a day or two , might feel ignored..

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@hippydog So be a man and come out and say, "You're wrong", instead of couching it in all your snark and sarcasm, Kerry....Your claim of trying to help rings hollow...

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Heidi68 comments on Feb 28, 2019:

My observation. Online dating is difficult because you don't know each other. You keep belittling the woman in this situation (and while I agree, since it was next to her work she could have checked but) - you continue to talk about your character. She doesn't know your true character because ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

I understand the reasoning of my critics on this thread, but whatever happened to people simply honoring their word and living up to their agreements? I don't buy all these excuses for someone who could have taken maybe three minutes to stop by after their work and see if I showed up. As Kelvin said, she apparently wasn't that interested or she could have done so. I gave up trying to chat with this woman after Sat. thru the paid site because she seemed too busy to reach for another real time chat. Adults should act like ones and honor their agreed upon plans without being prodded and stroked. But maybe I am a bit old-fashioned about that Heidi. I was raised the son of a judge, so to me, it seems obvious that a person should keep their word and do what they said they were going to do, without a bunch of excuses, unless there is a very good reason for not doing so, like the other person having proved they are not trustworthy, honest, had lied to the other person, whatever. I did none of that here.......Jesus H. Christ, Heidi, the way things already work for a man on a paid dating site, we have to do all the initial messaging to women while facing a rejection/no-reply rate of over 90% and then on top of that I am now required to prod and coddle the woman who agrees to meet for coffee on top of that in order for her to show up? Com'on, where does the lopsidedness end? I get a little tired of having to make all the effort, including the women around my area wanting the guy to also make the plans for the first meeting as well.... It would be refreshing to get a turn as a woman on a paid site and be the one who sits back and waits for the messages to come in, then gets to sort and select who to meet for coffee as the men make the plans, then gets to choose whether to show up or not for said coffee meetings depending on whether the guy has been properly attentive prior to said meeting and still seems interesting enough compared to his competition.... Yeah, I could enjoy having that for a change....Not that women have it all easy on paid sites either, but it would be nice to play the passive role for a while....

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

hippydog comments on Feb 28, 2019:

Heres the thing .. by texting them the day before.. you are showing interest.. its not "rule " or anything but i think many humans if they didnt hear from a prospective partner for a day or two , might feel ignored..

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@hippydog I do see your point Kerry and I don't disagree with it completely. Let's both be ourselves, as you say. I wasn't trying to tell you how to do you. I was trying to explain more about my perspective. Maybe there's a generational difference between you and me also, but in my mind keeping one's word and living up to doing what you say you are going to do is not something that should depend on whether I am stroking your ego by showing interest in you. It's something that I do because I take great pride in being a man of my word and living up to my agreements with people. I may not be great-looking or rich, but I have my integrity and nobody can take that away from me unless I choose to let them. From your viewpoint, getting ahead may count for way more than ethics or principles, I don't know you well enough to say. But I do know that for most people, of all generations these days, integrity doesn't seem to matter much. It's more about money, looks and fame. I'm not the only one posting complaints about my experiences on here, including the hypocrite on that score, Wildflower, but I have to give you props for coming up with clever snark to kick me while I'm feeling down. Just remember that should you ever choose to complain about your dating experiences on this board, I remember everything and will be glad to return the favor.......

What do you expect for the first date?

Qualia comments on Feb 27, 2019:

Seems like from the answers it's different for everyone. I freaking hate txtng w/a bloody passion. I want them to be able to give good "phone" first, barring that, be able to communicate in person. So much of this is like creating a relationship in a petri dish to me. sigh

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

@Stephanie99 You are practically the same age as me, but like you said to Doraz, you are completely different than me on the texting vs. talking. It is clearly not a generational thing, but a personality thing as to what kind of communication is desired and valued. In my case, I hate small talk, for one thing...

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

hippydog comments on Feb 28, 2019:

Heres the thing .. by texting them the day before.. you are showing interest.. its not "rule " or anything but i think many humans if they didnt hear from a prospective partner for a day or two , might feel ignored..

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

Then maybe they are too needy or insecure to be my type, but it doesn't excuse their behavior. People either keep their promises and word or they don't. I am an extremely ethical, honest and moral person. If someone else isn't, I don't want to be with them, as a friend or a partner. My friends are just like me in their ethics, morals, and honesty and that's why we have been friends for over 25 years. So Wildflower can take her bashing of how I am so terrible, dysfunctional, and unwantable and shove it. My friends happen to about all be social workers and a doctor, so if I were such a jerk as she says, they wouldn't have stuck with me...... Also remember hippydog, that men must walk a very fine line with women when it comes to messaging them. Contacting them often or on the day before or day of may seem interesting and positive with some women, with others it may come off as too underconfident or even insecure on the part of the man. You don't want to come off as needy or desperate in any way......

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Cast1es comments on Feb 27, 2019:

I remembered my anniversary , and thought it would be nice if my husband did as well . I made a choice , I could remind him , and we could both celebrate , or I could allow him to forget it , and we'd both be hurt . I chose to remind him , instead of allowing the situation to go down hill .

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 28, 2019:

I would not settle for someone who was that inconsiderate. Your mileage may vary and no offense to you.

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Wildflower comments on Feb 27, 2019:

I always like a confirmation from my date. I've been stood up, so if he doesn't message me I don't believe it is happening.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

@Wildflower Enjoy the block..

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Wildflower comments on Feb 27, 2019:

I always like a confirmation from my date. I've been stood up, so if he doesn't message me I don't believe it is happening.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

@Wildflower I approach each one individually and I don't play games or penalize one for the sins of other women. You and me have tangled before on these boards and I'm not too impressed with you either. You want the block now or later Wildflower? I know plenty of women on here that don't agree with you about me. Ask Judy, Merrie, and others....Also, you dodged my ? about whether it was reasonable for her to have stopped by and checked. You just can't stand to admit that a woman was being unreasonable instead of the man in this case......

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Wildflower comments on Feb 27, 2019:

I always like a confirmation from my date. I've been stood up, so if he doesn't message me I don't believe it is happening.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

So if you didn't get the confirmation you are wanting and were getting off work right by the place of the meeting, wouldn't you have at least stopped by to see if he showed up? Like it would have taken more than a few minutes or a very short walk?

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Stephanie99 comments on Feb 27, 2019:

If it has been a few days since the date was made, it seems reasonable, and has been my experience, to confirm the day before, or that morning.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

No it doesn't seem reasonable or necessary. Why can't women be responsible and competent to remember, keep their word, and show up? I will not caretake someone who should be able to handle their own social calender. I am not traditional that way, I treat all adults as adults, I don't caretake them or treat them like irresponsible children. If women want to be treated like the feminists ask, they don't need to be reminded or confirmed with. Treating adults as adults also involves telling them the truth, whether they want to hear it or not. If they can't handle it, that's also not my problem....

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

Wildflower comments on Feb 27, 2019:

I always like a confirmation from my date. I've been stood up, so if he doesn't message me I don't believe it is happening.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

That is not honest or fair on your part to men who are honest and honorable... Quit judging all men on the behavior of some. Own and deal with your own baggage....

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

EyesThatSmile comments on Feb 27, 2019:

Definitely rude. As a FYI, I always try to touch base on the day of the date (or the day before).

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

Why should I have to do that? I am not her parent and I am not responsible for what other guys have done to her..... You are a minority, but a good one. In my experience, the woman not only wants the guy to make the plans, they also never touch base with the guy soon before the day of to confirm. Of course, that may differ depending on where you live and the culture there, but here where I live, the woman who did that would probably be seen by most men as desperate, too eager or serious in the eyes of the man. So women in my area just don't do that.....

Got stood up again for the second time in four months, each time a different woman from a site that ...

KevinAverett comments on Feb 27, 2019:

She already screwed you...now she requires a 6 dollar cup of joe? Run Forrest, RUN!

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

These two incidents were different women. Was that not clear in the post?

What do you expect for the first date?

KevinAverett comments on Feb 27, 2019:

Personally, I hate texting. I'd much rather call.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

@KevinAverett Exactly. Texting is too impersonal and less effective since there is not the context of voicemail. I want my communication as personal as possible as much and often as possible. If the other person is too busy for that or too self-important that they use texting for most of the communication when we are apart, then they aren't right for me....

What do you expect for the first date?

zesty comments on Feb 27, 2019:

If a woman cannot decide during the first minute of the meet that she'll have sex with the guy or not - forget it!

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

I think there is a lot of truth to that and most men recognize this and agree with it, women, not so much. I think this is more true with women than most of them are willing to admit, for whatever reasons. I have always heard it takes two minutes, but your's is pretty close. For me I always know after at least the second date if I am going to want a physical relationship with the woman and why waste my time or theirs if I know that by seeing them again, unless both of us agree to be nothing but friends?

I posted about a guy I met for coffee a week ago tonight who wasn’t feeling it after meeting.

SleeplessInTexas comments on Feb 26, 2019:

I wouldn't necessarily call him a douche. Even if it took him 5 days to call you to tell you that he didn't feel any chemistry with you. He really didn't have to call you at all. Keep that in mind. At least he told you why he hadn't called you sooner. Personally, I would not have gotten upset ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

@IrishTxJudy I always know if I am feeling any physical attraction for the woman when I meet in person and I'm sure they know the same on their end regarding me. I also think in most cases the other person, like you, is well aware if the other person is feeling it for them or not. It would be nice if we could all be adults about it enough to handle this info being shared in person at the time of the meeting, but most people aren't. So in my experience what usually happens is both people retire to their separate corners and share the news to the other thru a message, sometimes politely and kindly, sometimes not. With women, the message they send thru an e-mail is usually indirect about them not feeling any attraction. They usually just come up with some other reason to say they aren't interested in any more contact in order to spare the man's feelings. With men, I think most of us are too inarticulate and assertive enough to say it directly thru a message or hang it on some less sensitive reason, so many men just act like jerks and ghost the woman if they aren't feeling it.

I went on a lunch date yesterday for my birthday.

tinkercreek comments on Feb 27, 2019:

Oh, my dear, thank you for the clever narrative, and Happy Birthday, fellow Piscean! Your disappointment is our great giggle, and a learning for all on clarifying important details before meeting. Trying to be polite has no place in the vetting process, and neither does withholding information!

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

I have to disagree some with you about politeness. I think that can be present in the vetting process and I wish there were more of it. I do my best to be polite with women I meet online while at the same time being very open about myself so they can do their vetting as well as save both of us some time rather than ending up meeting people that are incompatible when it could have been avoided with pre-meeting vetting. I totally agree about the witholding of info by others and when I have encountered that and it has seemed unfair on the part of the other person, I have been very direct and confrontational about it thru messaging to them after I discovered they were doing that. Witholding information that I have asked for regarding dealbreaker issues that I have or suspect they have is an unfair game of seeking to hold all the power yourself so you know all you need to about whether the other person is a match or not to you while keeping them in the dark. It is selfish, immature, and arrogant.

The cat trap I set up on my bed worked.

Mokvon comments on Feb 27, 2019:

You know she went in to make you feel better.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

I agree, most cats are too smart to fall for the trap....

Ive changed my dating site profile from the one I have on here to this.

ProudMerrie comments on Feb 26, 2019:

What are you singing?

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

@273kelvin To me, as well as my late wife, Leonard was the man, right along with Bob Dylan...

Why do so many men include picture of themselves with small children on their dating profiles?

IrishTxJudy comments on Feb 26, 2019:

I don’t agree with pics of children on dating sites but I think they think they will appeal to women with these pics. That they love kids and if you are looking for that guy who loves children also ... well here I am. It’s a game

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 27, 2019:

Totally right on the money Judy. I even saw the profile of a guy in my area my age that is listed on the right of the page next to my profile when I view it that recently changed his profile to look like more of a good family man. He added a couple pics of him with his teenage daughter and also added some stuff in his essay about what a great dad he is. Of course I already figured out this guy is an ass from seeing all his fake nice guy phony humor with lots of self-deprecating corny jokes. He changed that stuff to different material of the same type and added the dad stuff. I pointed out this guy's profile to a woman from his town that I was chatting with on the site and she told me she remembered seeing his profile and caught on to him immediately, probably because she's a transplant from California and used to seeing his type. This guy works in corporate communications and comes off as your typical corporate weasel. He also is kind enough to date women a whole year older than him as well as 13 years younger, another thing he changed in his profile recently. His dating range had been 15 years younger on the low end and 5 years younger on the older end. What a guy, my competition...... So yeah, there are guys that use the kid pics as a way to be fake and play games. On the other hand, the rest of you live in places that must be way different than me because among the women my age on this site, not Agnostic, the profiles without pics of kids are a very small minority. Like I have complained before on these boards, there is such worship of all things family by the vast majority of women and the mainstream culture in general of my state, that I think a woman with kids or one who was childless, would look suspect or be criticized if she didn't have kids in her pics, even if they were nieces and nephews. It's a very warped culture in my state and I think women feel they have to defend themselves or prove something to everybody about how big kids and family are in their life because if they don't they are seen as weird or immoral.

Good Day Everyone.

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 26, 2019:

I have, but I've already discussed my family before here.....

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@sassygirl3869 My family has a lot of secrets, is pretty dysfunctional and was very unhappy when I was growing up. I have no contact with my siblings and haven't had for quite a while. They are not understanding or supportive and I am better off without them and replacing them in my life with my several longtime friends, which I have for the last couple decades. My mother is dead and my father will be likely in the next year. My younger sister, who is the worst of the bunch, boycotted my late wife's memorial service two years ago, even tho she was invited and all the rest of my family showed up. She did not warn me she was going to skip it nor did she give any apology or explanation later. I will never forgive her for this even tho the rest of my family thinks I should not have been upset or offended. Typical of them.....I have been visiting my father once a month for the last decade and we have a decent relationship because we both know he doesn't have a lot of time left so we both want to be on good terms.

I can't take in any feral fur babies because of my life situation, but I feed the cats in a local ...

RavenCT comments on Feb 26, 2019:

We had this conversation this morning. My roommate came in from getting mail and said "Tell me "No Sixx - that's not going to happen."". I'm all "Say what?". After some back and forth I found out about tiny cat prints in the snow. I happen to know there are two outdoor kitties in the ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

What is TNR?

Looks like this is some good advice for meeting someone in the dating world: 'Don't call me ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 26, 2019:

To me, this is all bullshit. I don't text, don't know how to and don't want to learn. I prefer voice phone calls to e-mail. I know a lot of this is related to my age, but I will not date someone who has a lot of rules and restrictions over how I communicate with her. I mention this in my profile ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@Wildflower No I don't. They can call me anytime and if I don't have time to talk I will say so politely. I find the new methods impersonal and I won't use them. I also want someone who will put away their phone when I am talking with them or watching something with me like TV or a movie. If someone is too selfish for that, then they can date someone else. Same with having a phone on the table while eating with me.

She looks happy...

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 26, 2019:

That is funny, but I feel bad for the poor cat, hope it's ok. Poor surprised kitty....Still, I don't think a woman being single past age 35 automatically qualifies as a crazy cat lady. Needs to be much older than that and have at least 3 cats, lol..

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@Cutiebeauty I hope so. I read a true story years ago here in Iowa about some sick fuck in my state that never got caught, but he had attacked several cats over a period of a couple weeks in which the cats were all swung by their tails. Some of them lived, but a couple had to be euthanised because of the damage to their tails and bodies. Made me fantasize about the guy being caught and hung up by his balls for poetic justice.

It simultaneously cracks me up and makes me want humanity to end at the same time.

AtheistReader comments on Feb 25, 2019:

At the same time, I understand the basis for the underlying anger: it's easy to stand on a soapbox if one is rich. It is one thing for a rich person to preach, "we should share our meals" when the rich person would never have to worry about when the next meal would come from. When the working ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

Well said. The Oscars is the ultimate expression of the stereotypical limo liberal rep of Hollywood. Notice how the Hollywood liberals will never say anything against corporate power or wealth inequality? With the exception of maybe Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon, but to me they are not mere liberals but more true progressives or socialists in their views, which made them pariahs in Hollywood.

A new study says that all men, regardless of age, will always be attracted to women in their 20's ...

zesty comments on Feb 26, 2019:

Don't agree with this statement. I like to have sex with guys in the 23 to 30 range. An older man may attract me intellectually - maybe.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@Marcie1974 I don't know why that is either Marcie..

A new study says that all men, regardless of age, will always be attracted to women in their 20's ...

Kojaksmom comments on Feb 26, 2019:

Love sucks, hope is dead. Most men never grow out of club snatch. This is why homosexual relationships are more likely to be satisfying. The more I age, the more I realize that love may not be a thing at all, its a temporary mechanism of human breeding.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

You're a bigger cynic than me, that's saying something....

A new study says that all men, regardless of age, will always be attracted to women in their 20's ...

Mofo1953 comments on Feb 26, 2019:

Can't escape what's in your DNA.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@Kojaksmom Not true.This male never wanted or had kids, so I never looked for that in women, consciously or subconsciously. How do you account for that with your theory?

A new study says that all men, regardless of age, will always be attracted to women in their 20's ...

zesty comments on Feb 26, 2019:

Don't agree with this statement. I like to have sex with guys in the 23 to 30 range. An older man may attract me intellectually - maybe.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@Marcie1974 You are definitely a minority Marcie....

Looks like this is some good advice for meeting someone in the dating world: 'Don't call me ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 26, 2019:

To me, this is all bullshit. I don't text, don't know how to and don't want to learn. I prefer voice phone calls to e-mail. I know a lot of this is related to my age, but I will not date someone who has a lot of rules and restrictions over how I communicate with her. I mention this in my profile ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@WonderWartHog99 I wouldn't want to be involved with someone so prickly that they would regularly avoid conversations with me. Reminds me of that common explanation for divorce, irreconcilable differences... oh, what a fun relationship.....

Be careful what you ask for.

slydr68 comments on Feb 26, 2019:

Other countries have a service requirement for all youth...there is a lot of opportunity to learn in the military, not all involving being the boots on the ground. And, yes, we have even made military service about capitalism - want a college education? Join the military! Want healthcare and ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

As one of my music idols, Elvis Costello said with his song Oliver's Army in the song's video, " Don't join!..".

Looks like this is some good advice for meeting someone in the dating world: 'Don't call me ...

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 26, 2019:

To me, this is all bullshit. I don't text, don't know how to and don't want to learn. I prefer voice phone calls to e-mail. I know a lot of this is related to my age, but I will not date someone who has a lot of rules and restrictions over how I communicate with her. I mention this in my profile ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@sweetcharlotte I don't have a smartphone either and I don't want one.

Be careful what you ask for.

Jnei comments on Feb 26, 2019:

Nobody should be forced to serve in combat.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@WonderWartHog99 You have a point. I always loved the lyric from a song called Anthem For Doomed Youth by a New Wave band called 10,000 Maniacs (led by Natalie Merchant). It went " I think it's wrong to conscript our youth, against their will. When there's plenty of our citizenry, that really like to kill......". The song was from the early 1980s.

What's a "date"? I keep seeing the word.

tinkercreek comments on Feb 24, 2019:

I think we're experienced enough as a society to be done with the sexist patterns of the male, of a male/female interest, being responsible for asking, planning and paying for a "date". It can be fun and flattering, but I've found it uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of this, just doesn't ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@tinkercreek Sorry to hear that...

What's a "date"? I keep seeing the word.

tinkercreek comments on Feb 24, 2019:

I think we're experienced enough as a society to be done with the sexist patterns of the male, of a male/female interest, being responsible for asking, planning and paying for a "date". It can be fun and flattering, but I've found it uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of this, just doesn't ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@tinkercreek I have a feeling that if I lived in Portland instead of here, where I am so far out of the mainstream culture, that I wouldn't have much of a problem finding someone to date, even if I had to use a dating site to meet.

What's a "date"? I keep seeing the word.

tinkercreek comments on Feb 24, 2019:

I think we're experienced enough as a society to be done with the sexist patterns of the male, of a male/female interest, being responsible for asking, planning and paying for a "date". It can be fun and flattering, but I've found it uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of this, just doesn't ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@tinkercreek One of the best things about Portland is the transportation. It would be so nice to not need a car or at most rarely use one.

What's a "date"? I keep seeing the word.

tinkercreek comments on Feb 24, 2019:

I think we're experienced enough as a society to be done with the sexist patterns of the male, of a male/female interest, being responsible for asking, planning and paying for a "date". It can be fun and flattering, but I've found it uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of this, just doesn't ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 26, 2019:

@tinkercreek No, you are right. My late wife and I visited Portland and really loved it. We said it would be the best place to move to if we ever won the lottery and could afford to live anywhere we wanted. I even ran across a couple women my age on a paid dating site that had relocated to my area and told them in my message how much I liked the PNW and felt more at home there than in my area. But I was rejected by both women, who never replied to me, probably because I either didn't have their level of looks or money, because it costs a lot more to live out there than here, so they are a higher financial level than me. I've lived in Iowa my whole life and, yes, it is different, way different culturally and not in a good way. Much more conservative and traditional, anti-intellectual. Country music, worship of college sports, everything is about kids and family as far as cultural focus. I've never fit in with mainstream culture or norms of behavior for Iowa, but I've never had the guts or exceptional talent enough to risk leaving. So here I am widowed, alone and alienated from the mainstream.....No big surprise either that all of my friends are also not part of the mainstream culture here and most of them are in fact transplants who grew up outside the Midwest. Imagine that, no wonder I've always related better to transplants from the coasts than to native Iowans or Midwesterners..........My late wife was from Buffalo NY and that was a big reason we got along well and I was drawn to her...

Online dating has been an infuriating waste of my considerable efforts and hopes.

ProudMerrie comments on Feb 25, 2019:

Perhaps you should pay more attention to the women and their profiles and less attention to the boundaries of match percentages and distance. Why is more than 30 miles a deal breaker?

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

@ProudMerrie Agreed. We're good Merrie.....

Online dating has been an infuriating waste of my considerable efforts and hopes.

ProudMerrie comments on Feb 25, 2019:

Perhaps you should pay more attention to the women and their profiles and less attention to the boundaries of match percentages and distance. Why is more than 30 miles a deal breaker?

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

@ProudMerrie What works for me is finding out sooner than later, because I don't need a really long messaging process to have the trust to meet someone and a woman who needs that is probably, at least to me, someone too fragile or unready to date to be compatible for me in the first place. So I would rather meet and know if we're a match sooner rather than later....

Online dating has been an infuriating waste of my considerable efforts and hopes.

ProudMerrie comments on Feb 25, 2019:

Perhaps you should pay more attention to the women and their profiles and less attention to the boundaries of match percentages and distance. Why is more than 30 miles a deal breaker?

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

@ProudMerrie The lengthy correspondence probably did have something to do with that and I'm happy you had that experience. But I don't join paid dating sites for the purpose of making friends, and I doubt most other people do either. I already have several friends who emotionally support me and spend time with me anywhere from regularly to occasionally. I want someone to date and later on hopefully share more than that. And in that search, I would rather get my disappointment, when it's going to occur, over with sooner rather than later....

Day 2 of plenty of fake fish.

Corvislover comments on Feb 23, 2019:

You were kind to reply when you had no interest. Many dont reply if there is no attraction.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

It's so rare that a woman from the paid site messages me first that I always reply, even if I am not interested in or attracted to her. However, if a woman only clicks on the Like button and I am notified of that, I will not bother with a reply, because in doing the Like option instead of messaging me, all I know is that she was presented with my name, age, city and main profile pic, which she clicked Yes to instead of clicking Skip to move on to the next profile. In most cases, women clicking the Like button haven't even viewed my profile. So how do I owe them a reply message for simply saying my main pic was acceptable for their standards?

Online dating has been an infuriating waste of my considerable efforts and hopes.

ProudMerrie comments on Feb 25, 2019:

Perhaps you should pay more attention to the women and their profiles and less attention to the boundaries of match percentages and distance. Why is more than 30 miles a deal breaker?

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

@ProudMerrie I prefer to not trade messages more than a few times with women before meeting in person, but if the woman insists on messaging for longer than that before she's ready to meet I'll do that if I am interested in her enough. The reason I would prefer to meet within a week or two after she first replies to me is that I want to find out if there is any physical attraction there, at least on my part and hopefully hers as well. To draw it out over several weeks is just delaying disappointment and building false hope, at least as I see it. Photos are helpful on this issue but meeting in person is the real test. Women, at least some of them, may see the attraction process differently, but I know myself and have been dating a long time, both before my marriage and after, and I don't want to waste my time or hers. To my mind, there are really only two purposes served by messaging for quite a while before meeting in person. One is to build enough trust, at least for the woman, to feel comfortable meeting. The other, esp. for me, is to discuss any likely dealbreakers that were not already mentioned in either of our profiles. Doing that sometimes saves wasted time on meeting someone and finding out about it at the coffee meeting about a dealbreaker that could have been brought up in messaging with some simple info..

Online dating humor.

mischl comments on Feb 25, 2019:

I've met some wonderful witches in my life. Many of them are expert at getting on that stick and riding.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

Well spoken.....

What kind of "hidden agenda" do people have when they're searching for somebody to date?

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 25, 2019:

What are the first two requirements Eduardo?

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

@mischl Well everybody's different.....I prefer women who are curvy or average build, but making any kind of comment about preferred body types is going to piss some women on here off, even if it's the truth and the way that not only most men, but also many women too, feel about the subject. Call me over-sensitive, but there are few worse experiences than meeting a woman you really like for who she is but have no physical attraction to her. Because I have done that and tried dating a woman hoping the attraction would happen later a few times in my life, and it's never happened for me later. I would rather spare her feelings and mine by not proceeding if the attraction isn't there after the first or second meeting and as far as online profiles, if the pics don't seem to hold any potential of that attraction, I'm not going to message her. I wish people were more honest and realistic about this issue because it's clear that women sort according to looks the same way, at least most of them do, starting with looking at the main profile pic to decide whose messages to reply to and whose they ignore and never read, much less bother to view the man's profile......

What's a "date"? I keep seeing the word.

tinkercreek comments on Feb 24, 2019:

I think we're experienced enough as a society to be done with the sexist patterns of the male, of a male/female interest, being responsible for asking, planning and paying for a "date". It can be fun and flattering, but I've found it uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of this, just doesn't ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

I love your attitude. Why the hell is there nobody like you in my area?

What kind of "hidden agenda" do people have when they're searching for somebody to date?

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 25, 2019:

What are the first two requirements Eduardo?

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

@mischl I think the vast majority of men, if they are honest, want a woman who is either slender or at most, an average body type, not noticeably overweight. I prefer someone with an average body type over slender, so I differ from you. Preferring someone passionate is also something you have in common with the vast majority of men. On both these issues tho, I can see how you can't come right out and state them in a profile essay because it will either offend or be misinterpreted by women if included in a profile essay.

Online dating has been an infuriating waste of my considerable efforts and hopes.

Stephanie99 comments on Feb 25, 2019:

Those sites are opportunities to make money for their owners. Any matching that they do is for hype purposes so that you will use the site and try to contact members and make their sites look good. That's how business works. There are too many sites so no single one has enough people in your area.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

That's why a lot of people end up joining multiple sites at the same time, but even that is mostly a waste of money. I've been on two paid sites since being widowed and when I joined the latest one, I noticed that many of the women on the second one were also members of the first site I was on. I recognized them from their pics and usernames.

Online dating has been an infuriating waste of my considerable efforts and hopes.

VertLyfe comments on Feb 25, 2019:

30 miles isn't that far. That said, my suggestion is reduce the reliance on online platforms, get some hobbies and meet people with similar interests in real life instead of online.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

@Markss76118 You're right, I've tried the whole "go out and do the things you like and you'll meet someone thru that" thing and it doesn't work. Also, for the most part, you end up running into the same women who are already on the paid dating sites at those IRL places...Doing the hobbies might keep you occupied while you are waiting to meet someone from the sites, but it won't help you meet anyone to date.

What kind of "hidden agenda" do people have when they're searching for somebody to date?

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 25, 2019:

What are the first two requirements Eduardo?

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

@mischl My late wife was a social drinker and we had no problems with that in our marriage. In fact, we even went to wineries together. I even mention that in my profile essay, but it makes no difference with the vast majority of women on the paid site. Just like the family orientation issue, they are so defensive and judgmental about anyone who doesn't fit into or go along with the mainstream traits of the culture. My guess is they assume you are either a recovering alcoholic, unlike them, or that you are a judgmental teetotaler, neither of which is me. The other thing is that these women have plenty of men who are social drinkers to choose from in my area, so they reject me for someone who shares their social drinking and thus will fit in more with their lifestyle, friends, and family. It really comes down to that common habit of online dating where people see it more as shopping according to who meets their whole checklist than approaching it as encountering complex, whole human beings that might be very compatible in reality even if they don't meet every item on the checklist.....

What kind of "hidden agenda" do people have when they're searching for somebody to date?

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 25, 2019:

What are the first two requirements Eduardo?

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

@mischl Well at least you are honest...Besides the family issue, one other dealbreaker, not on my part, but on the part of most women from the paid site, is the issue of social drinking. I don't drink, but the vast majority of women in my area do and they seem to be unwilling to accept a man for dating that doesn't share social drinking with them. I find that kind of shallow and insecure on their part, but I can't change their attitude. Another strike against me that has been very frustrating to encounter. I know there are plenty of cool women in my area that are non-drinkers, but most likely they are mostly recovering alcoholics who are not likely to end up using paid dating sites for two reasons. One is that they know the paid site will have almost nothing but men on it that are at least social drinkers, if not more. And two, they will instead find men to date thru their recovery meetings and social events within the 12 step programs they are a part of. I will not lie or pretend to have a drinking problem to meet these women, so once again, I strike out... The sad thing is we all know damn well there are guys out there that will troll AA meetings to meet these women and pretend they are alcoholics.....

What kind of "hidden agenda" do people have when they're searching for somebody to date?

HippieChick58 comments on Feb 24, 2019:

I don't hide my "agenda", I pretty much put it right out there. I have adult kids and grandkids that are the world to me. If you can't deal with that then we won't suit. And cats. If you don't want to live with cats, pass me by. Non smoking, I am plump but active. 420 friendly, non smoking. I read ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

Except for the family issue that I discuss in my comment below, all my dealbreakers are discussed in my profile info or my profile essay, so the other person already knows full disclosure from my profile if we have dealbreaker differences on the issues that seem to matter, either to me or most women I encounter on that site. It pains me that so many of the women on that site seem content to waste their time or that of others by writing profiles that are less than a hundred words, often only a few sentences that say nothing really useful about the woman, so you don't know enough to tell if you have dealbreakers differences with them. But for me that kind of laziness or evasiveness itself is a dealbreaker and I won't message someone who does that.

What's a "date"? I keep seeing the word.

MojoDave comments on Feb 25, 2019:

JMHO I think many here are putting the cart before the horse. My idea of a date is 2 people agreeing to spend some time together. Period. The underlying purpose may be 1) to determine whether there's a basis to see each other again, or 2) explore the possibility of a friendship, or 3) explore the ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 25, 2019:

Totally well said..

What kind of "hidden agenda" do people have when they're searching for somebody to date?

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 24, 2019:

For me the really tough one to express is concerning how I don't want someone who is really family-oriented, which to me means that if we dated they would want to be visiting their family or grandkids very regularly with me coming along. I am just not interested in doing that with anyone more than ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 24, 2019:

@mischl I get and agree with that. The question becomes how much of the time the couple has together is spent away from family and how much is spent with them. If most if it is the latter, I don't want to be part of that. At least here in the Midwest, the predominant attitude is that the family of origin trumps any new partnership between the woman and her new man. I don't agree with it, but that seems to be the attitude of the vast majority of women in my area and age group, so I'm looking for a woman who is more of a non-conformist to the popular norms around here, as I also am. That means I'm left with a very small percentage of the women in my area to compete for with other men. It's very discouraging..... Even the women who don't have kids still seem very over-connected to their families of origin in most cases. So far I've had no interest from women without kids, probably because they know they are a small, highly desirable minority in my area and so they know they can do better than me on looks and money, so why settle for me? My godparents live in California and never had kids, even tho they grew up in Iowa and that is practically considered sacreligious here in the MIdwest, but they have always been very happy as just a couple who love being together and travelling. I envy them, but feel like a unicorn around all these family-worshippers here. I think another part of the problem for me is that in the MIdwest children are seen as the main reason for a marriage or partnership, so even if a widowed or divorced woman my age finds a new partner, to most women that relationship is seen as less valid or important than the earlier one(s) in which she had kids because the new relationship occurs after the kids have been raised. The society here as well as the woman and her family just don't see a later in life childless relationship as being as valid or important as the ones centered around kids. I chose to never have kids, so my values are obviously very different than these people.

What kind of "hidden agenda" do people have when they're searching for somebody to date?

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 24, 2019:

For me the really tough one to express is concerning how I don't want someone who is really family-oriented, which to me means that if we dated they would want to be visiting their family or grandkids very regularly with me coming along. I am just not interested in doing that with anyone more than ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 24, 2019:

@mischl That's exactly what I would fear getting into and here in the Midwest, with all these farmer's daughter types dominating the dating pool of women my age in the local area, I read their profile essays and so many times they seem to be saying they are looking more for an escort to their family visits than a real partner to spend most of their time with as a couple. I will not settle for a woman who fits the first type that is so overly tied to her family.

Major Study Finds the US Is An Oligarchy

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 24, 2019:

Why the hell would it change when both of the major parties are controlled by the oligarchs, the media is as well, and the masses about all believe that third parties are a waste of time to vote for while about half the eligible voters have given up on elections as a way of changing anything about ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 24, 2019:

@ATDayHiker You're still thinking within the two party box. Who says that Dem legislatures at the state level will help give us less corporate Dems at the fed level, much less third party reps at the fed level?

Major Study Finds the US Is An Oligarchy

webbew1 comments on Feb 24, 2019:

The notion that a third party vote is a wasted vote is the butter on these oligarchs toast. So long as 95% of the population walks in to the voting booth on election day and, like good trained monkeys, mindlessly pushes the button that says either "Republican" or "Democrat", nothing will change.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 24, 2019:

True, Web, but even if voters woke up and elected third party candidates, there is always assassination or military coup available to the oligarchs. See my comment below..Don't forget how the media ignores or bashes third party candidates too.

Major Study Finds the US Is An Oligarchy

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 24, 2019:

Why the hell would it change when both of the major parties are controlled by the oligarchs, the media is as well, and the masses about all believe that third parties are a waste of time to vote for while about half the eligible voters have given up on elections as a way of changing anything about ...

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 24, 2019:

@ATDayHiker Label me a true cynic, but I'm doubtful that even elections can change anything if a third party prez was elected without much support in the congress. We would still have gridlock that would favor the oligarchs. And then if that was not the case, there is always assassination of a third party prez or even a military coup. Nope, I doubt I will live to see it, but I'm afraid if the oligarchy is ever to be thrown out of power in the US, we will have to be out in the streets fighting the cops and military in an ugly civil war. Think Chile in the 1970s. Unfortunately for us, they now have weapons and surviellence tools that Pinochet could only have dreamed of....

I believe most people on this site are liberal and probably democrats, not that it matters.

TomMcGiverin comments on Feb 22, 2019:

I voted liberal-Democrat, but that party really doesn't represent my views very well as they are so corrupt and concerned only with the rich and corporations. I am more of a socialist in my political views and the only political party that really represents my views is the Green Party.

TomMcGiverin replies on Feb 22, 2019:

lb@Grecio In the US the Green Party is also very socialist on economic policy, LGBT rights, civil rights, supports immigrant rights, anti-war, supports public financing of all political campaigns and an end to the buying of elections, etc. Besides its environmental policies, the Greens are everything the Dems aren't as far as actually caring about ordinary people and opposing corporate control of the US. Unfortunately, they are unable to get anyone elected beyond the local level because they have so little funding and so few members, as well as being totally opposed by the corporate media.