What happens when you witness a ship wreck? You let it sink in.

FrayedBear comments on Oct 16, 2021:

True. Unless you're superman or iceberg in which case you couldn't give a brass razoo.

Zealandia replies on Oct 16, 2021:

@FrayedBear Interesting perspective. Bet that joke was a good icebreaker.

My new thesaurus is terrible. Not only that, it's also terrible.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Oct 12, 2021:

I have no words.........

Zealandia replies on Oct 12, 2021:

I had next to nothing either.

What did the dentist call the x-ray he took of your mouth? A tooth pic.

Zealandia comments on Oct 12, 2021:

Focused joke, no real negatives.

Zealandia replies on Oct 12, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Yeah, good perspective….

I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

Zealandia comments on Sep 30, 2021:

Little bit ruff around the edges. Maybe paws before submitting.

Zealandia replies on Oct 1, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Nah, don’t want to tick you off.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but its flag is a big plus.

LenHazell53 comments on Sep 30, 2021:

In the (improvised) words of Orson Wells, in The Third Man (1949) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cydkTy6GmFA

Zealandia replies on Oct 1, 2021:

Thanks for the reference. I wasn’t aware of that, found this BBC article: https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-19202527

Today I gave my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.

FrayedBear comments on Sep 29, 2021:

Lmao.

Zealandia replies on Sep 29, 2021:

@FrayedBear The lights were on, but nobody was home.

What happens when you boil a funny bone? It becomes a laughing stock.

Zealandia comments on Sep 27, 2021:

There’s a bouillon different ways you can use it in cooking, whilst giggling uncontrollably.

Zealandia replies on Sep 27, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Might only be able to help out simmer the time.

The guy that invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella. But he hesitated.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 25, 2021:

Awww.....bummer....shoot!!!!

Zealandia replies on Sep 25, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada No it doesn’t, although it was probably on the short list. “Hand-held portable canopy which opens and folds” is a bit too long as well.

The guy that invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella. But he hesitated.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 25, 2021:

Awww.....bummer....shoot!!!!

Zealandia replies on Sep 25, 2021:

Yeah, brella is more catchy.

Why were the horses so happy? Because they lived in a stable environment.

Zealandia comments on Sep 22, 2021:

Presumably on Mane street.

Zealandia replies on Sep 22, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Don’t want to stirrup any trouble.

I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 21, 2021:

No amount of rest, or vitamins will get rid of the run down feeling either.

Zealandia replies on Sep 21, 2021:

Yes, I tyre easily at the moment.

A bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers in here!” A time traveler walks into a bar.

Zealandia comments on Sep 21, 2021:

I heard a great time travel joke tomorrow.

Zealandia replies on Sep 21, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Yes, it will be funny!

I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.

FrayedBear comments on Sep 21, 2021:

Nah, that was your new NZ lanolin after shave.

Zealandia replies on Sep 21, 2021:

Part of my new skincare routine. Ewe de cologne.

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.

FrayedBear comments on Sep 18, 2021:

Must be the same goofball who gave my toothless hospitalised very old mate a bag of nuts & raisins to eat with his dinner!

Zealandia replies on Sep 21, 2021:

@FrayedBear Crikey! Hopefully the stay wasn’t too long and that the driver was suitably punished.

A 42-year-old New Zealand woman has opened a new brothel - one that's run as an ethical enterprise.

MizJ comments on Sep 20, 2021:

Was this recent? I thought I read about something similar a while back. I was in NZ about a decade ago, prostitution has been legal there for some time.

Zealandia replies on Sep 21, 2021:

@FrayedBear Don’t know anything about this story. Yep, can confirm that I’m back in NZ and am in my fourth day of Mandatory Isolation and Quarantine or MIQ in a hotel room in central Auckland. Border still closed, very difficult for even NZ citizens to access a slot in MIQ. I booked ages ago in May for arrival in September. At that time, there was lots of availability, but not now. NZ will probably synchronise with Oz in reopening the borders, to tie in with the logistics of trans Tasman travel. Think that a policy will be announced for a partial reopening, probably in ‘22 now.

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.

FrayedBear comments on Sep 18, 2021:

Must be the same goofball who gave my toothless hospitalised very old mate a bag of nuts & raisins to eat with his dinner!

Zealandia replies on Sep 21, 2021:

@FrayedBear No, not all workers in support roles are truly caring for people. Fortunately I haven’t been to hospital for years!

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.

FrayedBear comments on Sep 18, 2021:

Must be the same goofball who gave my toothless hospitalised very old mate a bag of nuts & raisins to eat with his dinner!

Zealandia replies on Sep 20, 2021:

@FrayedBear Not a good state of affairs.

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.

FrayedBear comments on Sep 18, 2021:

Must be the same goofball who gave my toothless hospitalised very old mate a bag of nuts & raisins to eat with his dinner!

Zealandia replies on Sep 20, 2021:

@FrayedBear Certainly had an interesting and eventful life. Was wondering, does he have a son who owns a DVD store? I stumbled across an article about a DVD rental shop operator. The story mentioned this guy’s Dad who fought for the Dutch against Indonesian independence forces. Or is that too much of a coincidence? Hopefully, he’ll be discharged back into the community and be given appropriate support to live independently again.

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.

FrayedBear comments on Sep 18, 2021:

Must be the same goofball who gave my toothless hospitalised very old mate a bag of nuts & raisins to eat with his dinner!

Zealandia replies on Sep 18, 2021:

@FrayedBear Sounds like a bit of a character.Obviously raisin some hell!

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 18, 2021:

Yeah, shelled out blessings are meaningless crumbs.

Zealandia replies on Sep 18, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada I walnut say any more.

Good definition of quarantine…

FrayedBear comments on Sep 17, 2021:

Bloody French! We've had to change all the names of our wines. Seems that they've even invented foreign words for some: https://www.decanter.com/wine-news/australia-set-to-replace-sherry-and-tokay-names-74657/

Zealandia replies on Sep 18, 2021:

@FrayedBear The reality is that my body clock is still messed up from the flight!

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.

FrayedBear comments on Sep 18, 2021:

Must be the same goofball who gave my toothless hospitalised very old mate a bag of nuts & raisins to eat with his dinner!

Zealandia replies on Sep 18, 2021:

Crikey, that must have been hard to swallow.

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 18, 2021:

Yeah, shelled out blessings are meaningless crumbs.

Zealandia replies on Sep 18, 2021:

It’s acorn-y joke, but with a kernel of truth.

Good definition of quarantine…

FrayedBear comments on Sep 17, 2021:

Bloody French! We've had to change all the names of our wines. Seems that they've even invented foreign words for some: https://www.decanter.com/wine-news/australia-set-to-replace-sherry-and-tokay-names-74657/

Zealandia replies on Sep 18, 2021:

@FrayedBear Exactly. I just found this: New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern spoke personally to her Australian counterpart, Scott Morrison, to tell him the vessels would not be welcome in the waters of her country, which has been a no-nuclear zone since 1984.

Good definition of quarantine…

FrayedBear comments on Sep 17, 2021:

Bloody French! We've had to change all the names of our wines. Seems that they've even invented foreign words for some: https://www.decanter.com/wine-news/australia-set-to-replace-sherry-and-tokay-names-74657/

Zealandia replies on Sep 18, 2021:

Plus, ta for the link re change of name for wines. I wonder if NZ is also a signatory to the Trade in Wine Agreement (TWA) between the European Community and Australia. Will find out in due course…..

Good definition of quarantine…

FrayedBear comments on Sep 17, 2021:

Bloody French! We've had to change all the names of our wines. Seems that they've even invented foreign words for some: https://www.decanter.com/wine-news/australia-set-to-replace-sherry-and-tokay-names-74657/

Zealandia replies on Sep 18, 2021:

@FrayedBear Hi there, that’s interesting re the nuclear power restrictions also in place in Oz. So the provision of nuke subs may possibly require a change of legislation. Not going to be an issue for a few years yet. I lived in the uk for 22 years. Came back for a whole bunch of reasons. The main ones being Mum saying that she wanted me to come home. And ensuring that I complied with the residency requirements for a pension. Sounds like things are a bit tough at the moment. Agree with you that under a more repressive regime, that antics from those kind of larrikins wouldn’t be tolerated. My mate lives in Melbourne, so keeps me posted. He has mentioned the 10k rule. Hopefully will visit Oz sometime. Probably later in ‘22 when the Trans Tasman flight arrangements are reinstated. Hope you’re keeping safe over there.

Good definition of quarantine…

FrayedBear comments on Sep 17, 2021:

Bloody French! We've had to change all the names of our wines. Seems that they've even invented foreign words for some: https://www.decanter.com/wine-news/australia-set-to-replace-sherry-and-tokay-names-74657/

Zealandia replies on Sep 18, 2021:

@FrayedBear I agree, French have every right to be angry. Oz pulled out at the last minute from a major defence deal to build submarines worth billions that had been painstakingly negotiated over many years. The interesting point is that as nuke subs, the vessels can’t enter New Zealand waters. As that would breach the legislation banning all nuclear powered vessels in the vicinity. My joke was an ironic one, as I have left the UK. Yesterday I accessed the New Zealand Managed Isolation Quarantine or MIQ facility. Will be in the hotel room in Auckland for 14 days. So, gidday mate, how’s it going and hope all is well across the ditch!

Good definition of quarantine…

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 17, 2021:

I won't pop my cork over it either.

Zealandia replies on Sep 17, 2021:

Or your Prosecco. I don't know what all the fizz is about. Just froth and bubbles really.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said 'Duck, eggs!' I thought, "That's an unnecessary ...

Zealandia comments on Sep 14, 2021:

Some people might quack up, but I thought it was a fowl joke. I’m sure you don’t have any egrets posting it. Even though it made me stork raven mad.

Zealandia replies on Sep 15, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada You’re such a comedi-hen….

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

Zealandia comments on Sep 15, 2021:

Hopefully it wasn’t a half baked decision. She probably didn’t dessert him anyway.

Zealandia replies on Sep 15, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada That would be the icing on the cake.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said 'Duck, eggs!' I thought, "That's an unnecessary ...

Zealandia comments on Sep 14, 2021:

Some people might quack up, but I thought it was a fowl joke. I’m sure you don’t have any egrets posting it. Even though it made me stork raven mad.

Zealandia replies on Sep 15, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Seriously, the local KFC has a sign on the building saying “What’s clucking….” Plus an ad with the wording “What the cluck!?” was banned in the UK in 2019.

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower’. I think I might have Florets.

whiskywoman comments on Sep 15, 2021:

I love this once while working in a restaurant as cashier a customer was leaving and under my breath I said asshole ...another girl heard me and I said I had turrets ...months later she asked when I was diagnosed...I almost peed my pants laughing ... she said she hadn't heard me say ...

Zealandia replies on Sep 15, 2021:

That’s really funny.

I was walking past a farm and a sign said 'Duck, eggs!' I thought, "That's an unnecessary ...

Zealandia comments on Sep 14, 2021:

Some people might quack up, but I thought it was a fowl joke. I’m sure you don’t have any egrets posting it. Even though it made me stork raven mad.

Zealandia replies on Sep 15, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada I think you’re clucking with my mind…..next it’s going to be chicken crossing the road jokes.

Poop jokes aren't my favorite, but they're a solid number two.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 13, 2021:

I thought the poop lived in the vatican.

Zealandia replies on Sep 13, 2021:

Yes, that’s where he likes to Rome around.

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower’. I think I might have Florets.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 12, 2021:

You could also be vegetating.

Zealandia replies on Sep 13, 2021:

Probably, the doctor hasn’t been able to get to the root of the problem.

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower’. I think I might have Florets.

waitingforgodo comments on Sep 13, 2021:

The power of cruciferous commands you.

Zealandia replies on Sep 13, 2021:

I know, it Brassica me off.

I dreamed someone was shouting “On your marks… Get Set…” I woke with a start.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 9, 2021:

And ran out of bed.

Zealandia replies on Sep 9, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Even though you lose when you snooze, I wanted to see if I won the race.

I dreamed someone was shouting “On your marks… Get Set…” I woke with a start.

FrayedBear comments on Sep 9, 2021:

Well you wouldn't would you. I usually wake because I've fallen into a chasm, hole, mine shaft or something equally unpleasant.

Zealandia replies on Sep 9, 2021:

I’ve had the same experience, the falling dreams aren’t very pleasant.

I dreamed someone was shouting “On your marks… Get Set…” I woke with a start.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Sep 9, 2021:

And ran out of bed.

Zealandia replies on Sep 9, 2021:

Yeah, I was following my dreams.

They told me, "Follow your dreams..." So I went back to bed.

Zealandia comments on Sep 5, 2021:

What a nightmare.

Zealandia replies on Sep 5, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Seems like a good plan, the days are getting shorter here too.

They told me, "Follow your dreams..." So I went back to bed.

Zealandia comments on Sep 5, 2021:

What a nightmare.

Zealandia replies on Sep 5, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Yeah, the sleep deficit ain’t worth it.

They told me, "Follow your dreams..." So I went back to bed.

Zealandia comments on Sep 5, 2021:

What a nightmare.

Zealandia replies on Sep 5, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Well, you snooze you lose, so they say.

I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me ---------- ...

Zealandia comments on Sep 2, 2021:

Oh sheet.

Zealandia replies on Sep 3, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada And black and blue plus read all over I presume.

Do I enjoy randomly appointing people to judicial positions?

FrayedBear comments on Sep 2, 2021:

Wouldn't care how you appoint so long as they have knowledge of the law, impartiality & common sense. Sadly none of them do!

Zealandia replies on Sep 3, 2021:

Agree with you on that one, due to personal experience. An order in my recent divorce proceedings wasn’t legal for six months because the judge didn’t word it properly. When I formally complained, it wasn’t picked up for three months. Only received an acknowledgment after my third letter. The justice system here is essentially broken and I have no faith in it whatsoever.

I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me ---------- ...

Zealandia comments on Sep 2, 2021:

Oh sheet.

Zealandia replies on Sep 2, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada So, hot off the press, eh?

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly, and three polars.

Zealandia comments on Aug 27, 2021:

If you get a dog, has to be a shih tzu.

Zealandia replies on Aug 29, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada And no lion around either.

I'm really excited for the next autopsy club. It's open Mike night.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 23, 2021:

I guess you can really cut up that night too.

Zealandia replies on Aug 25, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Or an elbow too.

I'm really excited for the next autopsy club. It's open Mike night.

Gonzogopher comments on Aug 23, 2021:

Meatloaf AGAIN!

Zealandia replies on Aug 24, 2021:

Plus finger food.

I'm really excited for the next autopsy club. It's open Mike night.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 23, 2021:

I guess you can really cut up that night too.

Zealandia replies on Aug 24, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada It’ll be a slice event. We’ll crack open a cold one as usual.

I'm really excited for the next autopsy club. It's open Mike night.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 23, 2021:

I guess you can really cut up that night too.

Zealandia replies on Aug 23, 2021:

Remains to be seen.

I work in a paper factory, where my responsibilities are twofold.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 18, 2021:

Could probably make rolls & rolls of it too.

Zealandia replies on Aug 18, 2021:

I’m not going to re-ply.

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune... But Chickpeas can only “hummus” one!

Zealandia comments on Aug 15, 2021:

I only liked that joke a tahini bit….

Zealandia replies on Aug 16, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Oh Chick, please. I’ve had a falafel and carrot take any more.

The Black Eyed Peas can sing us a tune... But Chickpeas can only “hummus” one!

Zealandia comments on Aug 15, 2021:

I only liked that joke a tahini bit….

Zealandia replies on Aug 15, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Still going to turnip my nose at this one..

What do you call a pile of coins in the rain? Climate change.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 15, 2021:

If it was a mountain, would you climate?

Zealandia replies on Aug 15, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada I’ll put my two cents in. Hopefully the weather isn’t too changeable.

What do you call a pile of coins in the rain? Climate change.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 15, 2021:

If it was a mountain, would you climate?

Zealandia replies on Aug 15, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada I might visit the Banks Peninsula when I’m back in NZ, the scenery is worth it.

What do you call a pile of coins in the rain? Climate change.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 15, 2021:

If it was a mountain, would you climate?

Zealandia replies on Aug 15, 2021:

Nah, it doesn’t make cents and isn’t time well spent.

What's way worse than Friday the 13th? Monday the whatever.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 13, 2021:

Days are all the same to we stay at home retirees.

Zealandia replies on Aug 13, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada That’s a hassle. Hopefully the situation will improve.

What's way worse than Friday the 13th? Monday the whatever.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 13, 2021:

Days are all the same to we stay at home retirees.

Zealandia replies on Aug 13, 2021:

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

I’ve just reset my password to DelicateLuggageHandler.

Zealandia comments on Aug 11, 2021:

Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that’s too weak.

Zealandia replies on Aug 12, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Unless you have a coffee intolerance like me….

My friend wasn’t open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 8, 2021:

And quit acting like such a bare.

Zealandia replies on Aug 8, 2021:

He gave up and bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 5, 2021:

Probably both had explosive personalities.

Zealandia replies on Aug 6, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada The atmosphere was always pretty toxic afterwards too.

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument? They had a fallout.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 5, 2021:

Probably both had explosive personalities.

Zealandia replies on Aug 5, 2021:

Yep, there was a definite fission in the air when they met.

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

LiterateHiker comments on Aug 3, 2021:

For unique passwords, I use the first letter of each word in a sentence: Smmcmp! = Stop making me change my password! Iguoal3737 = I grew up on a lake 3737. (street number). Gmoowb4w! = Get me out of Wenatchee before winter!

Zealandia replies on Aug 4, 2021:

At work we have to use a 15 character password that includes numbers plus a symbol. I have a word, an abbreviation, a year and a currency symbol to remember. At least we don’t have to change it ever again.

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 3, 2021:

101 Dalmations would have been a little much, huh?

Zealandia replies on Aug 4, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Better not think about 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, or even One Million Years B.C.

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Aug 3, 2021:

101 Dalmations would have been a little much, huh?

Zealandia replies on Aug 3, 2021:

Isn’t there 102 Dalmatians as well?

I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant last night and it suddenly went dark.

Zealandia comments on Aug 3, 2021:

Very illuminating!

Zealandia replies on Aug 3, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada You have to be pretty switched on to think of them.

Congratulations to my friend who won a local Scrabble tournament.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 30, 2021:

I take it he won't get board?

Zealandia replies on Jul 31, 2021:

No, he’s never at a loss for words.

People accuse me of not finishing my sentences. To those people I say...

Willow_Wisp comments on Jul 26, 2021:

Me too, especially the part about...

Zealandia replies on Jul 26, 2021:

Yeah…… …..

I received a message from the sun. After reading it, I was enlightened.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 23, 2021:

You must be absolutely beaming!

Zealandia replies on Jul 24, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada A stellar comment, yes the corona casts a shadow.

I received a message from the sun. After reading it, I was enlightened.

FrayedBear comments on Jul 23, 2021:

Stay away from Murdoch media - it's carcinogenic!

Zealandia replies on Jul 24, 2021:

Only a minute’s silence is required.

I received a message from the sun. After reading it, I was enlightened.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 23, 2021:

You must be absolutely beaming!

Zealandia replies on Jul 23, 2021:

Yep, I felt like a million degrees.

I’m going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It’s a very heated topic.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 21, 2021:

And the blowhards will be full of hot air.

Zealandia replies on Jul 22, 2021:

I was told that talking about global warming was a good icebreaker if you’re a bit shy. Hopefully I won’t get the cold shoulder. Must learn to chill out about these kind of things.

What genre are national anthems? Country.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 20, 2021:

Not just western anymore.

Zealandia replies on Jul 20, 2021:

A lot of it is classified as Hokum.

Couldn’t think of anything better today.

Cast1es comments on Jul 19, 2021:

It isn't a joke , but a neighbor just left Galveston and landed in Belize on another of her cruises . If memory serves , she said she'd be gone for 272 days of the next two years . Being a travel agent really pays off , if you love traveling as she does .

Zealandia replies on Jul 20, 2021:

Presumably she’s working remotely during her time at sea. I saw this heading: 132-night, $73,499 per person cruise sells out in under 3 hours..so the demand is still there.

Couldn’t think of anything better today.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 19, 2021:

Yeah, I'm all asea too.

Zealandia replies on Jul 19, 2021:

I didn’t want to make waves today. Thought I’d just cruise along.

The only thing flat earthers have to fear.. Is sphere itself.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 17, 2021:

And...not very well rounded in their education either.

Zealandia replies on Jul 18, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Yep, all four corners

The only thing flat earthers have to fear.. Is sphere itself.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 17, 2021:

And...not very well rounded in their education either.

Zealandia replies on Jul 17, 2021:

There’s flat earthers all around the globe.

I don’t understand my missus.

Budgie comments on Jul 15, 2021:

I would be more annoyed at the guys on motorbikes and in tanks zooming around.

Zealandia replies on Jul 15, 2021:

Yes, the tanks do have a tendency to destroy the garden, the noise drowns out the sound of the bagpipes too.

I don’t understand my missus.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 15, 2021:

Maybe she thought you were full of hot air.

Zealandia replies on Jul 15, 2021:

Nah, must admit I was being a blowhard.

Did you know Bruce Lee has a faster older brother? Sudden Lee.

phxbillcee comments on Jul 14, 2021:

& the one they never talk about...Ug Lee...

Zealandia replies on Jul 14, 2021:

@phxbillcee Yes, he has a partner, Off Kee….

Better do as your Mother says.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 14, 2021:

Needled you, huh?

Zealandia replies on Jul 14, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Suppose the son felt like a bit of a prick after he told his Mum what he’d done. She probably didn’t have any inkling of the situation.

Better do as your Mother says.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 14, 2021:

Needled you, huh?

Zealandia replies on Jul 14, 2021:

Probably the Mum who feels needled in this scenario….

I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 13, 2021:

Brightened things up for you, did it?

Zealandia replies on Jul 14, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Yes, I was in such a good mood that I decided to have my eggs sunny side up.

Did you know Bruce Lee has a faster older brother? Sudden Lee.

phxbillcee comments on Jul 14, 2021:

& the one they never talk about...Ug Lee...

Zealandia replies on Jul 14, 2021:

Don’t forget Wong Kee, the distant cousin.

I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 13, 2021:

Brightened things up for you, did it?

Zealandia replies on Jul 14, 2021:

Yes, I was de-lighted thanks!

Centred mindfulness…..

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 9, 2021:

I ate it!

Zealandia replies on Jul 9, 2021:

Aw, donut kill my vibe man.

Just so everyone is clear... I'm going to put my glasses on.

Zealandia comments on Jul 6, 2021:

Hope I didn’t make a spectacle of myself.

Zealandia replies on Jul 7, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Can’t find my rose tinted pair unfortunately, no idea where they’ve gone.

I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 5, 2021:

Did you do any begging & pleating?

Zealandia replies on Jul 6, 2021:

@Lilac-JadeCanada Just too much paperwork unfortunately.

I put all my spare cash into an origami business. It folded.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jul 5, 2021:

Did you do any begging & pleating?

Zealandia replies on Jul 5, 2021:

Nah, didn’t want to crimp my style.

A venerable Oxford professor of English was speaking with a student one day, when the boy offered ...

Zealandia comments on Jul 4, 2021:

Update from the land of Oz….

Zealandia replies on Jul 4, 2021:

Ooops wrong place….

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Lilac-JadeCanada comments on Jun 18, 2021:

Did you have a brainstorm?

Zealandia replies on Jun 18, 2021:

More of a brain fade.

We thought our house was haunted so we got the local priest in to exorcise it.

Willow_Wisp comments on Jun 14, 2021:

When my daughter was a teen ager she did the Jesus miracle in reverse, she turned vodka into water. Boy were we surprised when we poured ourselves a drink after a few months, there was just enough vodka in that bottle to keep the water from freezing in the freezer.

Zealandia replies on Jun 15, 2021:

I bet she was in a lot of trouble when you discovered her little deception. Reminds me of a great aunt who stayed at the family home when I was a teenager. She would wait until we were asleep and then raid the booze cabinet. Parents noticed the steadily declining levels in the bottles….I think they were too polite to let on.

A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? “Nothing for me, I'm the driver."

FrayedBear comments on Jun 13, 2021:

You fluffed that one! A set of golf clubs walks into a bar. "What'll you have"? The wood replied: “Nothing for me, I'm the driver."

Zealandia replies on Jun 13, 2021:

Ok, thanks for the clarification. You got it to a tee.

Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each.

FrayedBear comments on Jun 11, 2021:

There I thought the penalty was half a year!

Zealandia replies on Jun 12, 2021:

It was six of one, half a dozen of the other….

What do sea monsters eat? Fish and Ships.

LucyLoohoo comments on Jun 4, 2021:

What do you call Israeli cheese? Cheeses of Nazareth. (Ducking.....)

Zealandia replies on Jun 4, 2021:

Praise Cheeses!

A very nervous first-time crew member says to the skipper, “Do boats like this sink very often?

whiskywoman comments on May 31, 2021:

exactly...here's your sign

Zealandia replies on May 31, 2021:

Great picture of Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, am watching Futurama at the moment.

What font do they use for alphabet soup? Times New Ramen

Zealandia comments on May 29, 2021:

I would make a font joke but I’m not bold enough.

Zealandia replies on May 30, 2021:

@silverotter11 Yep, bit of a character.

Why didn’t the sailors play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck.

FrayedBear comments on May 29, 2021:

Groan.

Zealandia replies on May 30, 2021:

@FrayedBear Or in the crows nest.

I went to the shop to buy a camouflage shirt, but couldn't find any.

FrayedBear comments on May 24, 2021:

You won't make a good marksman then.

Zealandia replies on May 24, 2021:

That’s a cheap shot....

"You shall not covet your neighbor’s house.

creative51 comments on Mar 2, 2021:

I been wondering where my ox and donkey disappeared to...

Zealandia replies on Mar 2, 2021:

That’s called donkey bothering in the uk,,,,,