God: Oy Noah!

Noah: Yes Lord?

God: How's it going?

Noah: Not bad, I suppose, given the state of the world. You know, corruption and sin and giants everywhere...

God: Well, quite. Been meaning to talk to you about that, actually. So, you know how the world has basically gone to shit and you're the only good person left?

Noah: Well, I'm not sure I'm the ONLY one, but...

God: Trust me, you are.

Noah: OK. Well, um, thank you, I suppose...

God: Don't mention it. Anyway, the point is that the world is sunk in evil and there are giants everywhere and you're the only human left who I can trust, so guess what I've decided to do.

Noah: Give me magical powers and make me king of the world so I can rule wisely and justly?

God: No, although that would probably have been a better idea, thinking about it. No, what I'm going to do is: I'm going to kill everyone in the world apart from you and your family and then you can start the human race again from scratch.

Noah: What, just me and my family?

God: Yes.

Noah: So, my wife and I, and our children and their partners, we all have more children, and then...

God: The children have to fuck each other and so on, yes.

Noah: Incest, basically.

God: Small price to pay for ridding the world of sin.

Noah: Or you could just make me king...

God: Look, stop it with this king stuff. It's not going to happen. Don't get too up yourself. Remember what I did to Lucifer when he got up himself.

Noah: OK. So, what's going to happen? Are you going to send a plague that kills them but passes over my house, or maybe strike them all with lightning, or just make them all drop dead where they stand, or what?

God: I'm going to send a flood.

Noah: A flood?

God: Yes. A mighty flood. It will rain for forty days and forty nights, until there is not a spot of dry ground left on the whole of the Earth.

Noah: So, you're killing all the animals too?

God: Yes.

Noah: Why? What did they do wrong?

God: They're unavoidable casualties.

Noah: Only because you've decided to use the most inefficient method possible to wipe out humanity. Why don't you just go with the lightning thing?

God: I'm beginning to get a bit irritated by your tone, young man. OK, look. Yes, again lightning would, in retrospect, probably have been a better way of dealing with the situation, but I've already got the ball rolling on this flood project. Do you know how long it takes to get a weather system like that going?

Noah: OK. So, you're killing everything off with a big massive stupid flood that's going to knacker a load of other things that aren't currently a problem, like half the agriculturally viable land in the world. Got it. So how do I survive?

God: You build a boat.

Noah: That's it?

God: Yes.

Noah: A boat. You're saying this flood will kill off every living thing on the face of the Earth, but I'll be safe if I have a boat.

God: Yes. It will be an ark, and your sacred task will be to carry breeding pairs of every kind of beast that walketh upon the land, and...

Noah: You do realise that boats have already been invented, right?

God: What?

Noah: Boats already exist. Other people have them too. If I build a boat, I'm not going to be the only person in the world who has a boat.

God: So what?

Noah: Well, I'm not going to be the only person who survives, am I? Other people will have boats. Other people will notice the floodwaters rising and get a load of provisions and livestock aboard, won't they? I mean, I know humanity is mired in sin, but it's not quite that stupid that it'll sit there and allow itself to drown when there's a perfectly good boat it could be getting in.

God: I will magically destroy all the other boats.

Noah: Why don't you magically build mine for me, or magically steal me someone else's?

God: THAT'S NOT THE POINT OF THIS!

Noah: Well, since you brought it up, what actually is the point of this?

God: To rid the world of sin.

Noah: Right. And how did the sin get there in the first place?

God: People started breaking the rules I'd made for them, and the angels I sent to check up on them started procreating with humans and producing giants, and the whole thing's generally a mess now.

Noah: And whose fault is that?

God: Well, you know, the angels I sent down were very rebellious, and original sin in humans is originally Eve's fault, and of course it was that bastard serpent who tempted her...

Noah: And who created Eve and the serpent, and who created the angels and sent them to Earth?

God: Do you know what? I'm beginning to wish you weren't the only remaining good human being. You're getting right up my nose.

Noah: It's just that it seems to me that you made a big fuck-up and now you're going to kill a load of poor stupid people and animals who you created because you don't want to accept responsibility for any of it.

God: Right. Bollocks to this. I'm sending rain, and here are the plans for the boat and instructions for how many of what animal to put in, and if you don't do it you're dead. How's that?

Noah: Well, obviously I have no choice. Cheers, God.

God: Don't mention it. By the way, I'm really generous and forgiving, you know.

Noah (under his breath): Dickhead.

God: OY! I HEARD THAT! I'M OMNISCIENT!

Noah: Except you apparently don't know how to make sentient beings without them rebelling against you, eh?

God: THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE PROUD AND UNGRATEFUL!

Noah: Oh yes, of course. Couldn't just be because you're a twat and nobody really likes you.

God: LIGHTNING STRIKE!

Noah: OW!

God: You like that? You want some more? Shut up and build me a boat. And don't bother putting any of the dinosaurs on it. I've decided I don't like the way they look at me.

Author unknown