You assume polyamorous people are not happy and are missing something...that is so not the case for many...it is more about having more and being happier. Each relationship is unique and offers something different and something the same. No one person can be everything...the pressure makes the relationship strained...so, while the primary relationship, say the one you are married to, is the one that gives you societal credibility, being able to function at work, in the community, with family, etc., the others might offer some other kind of function. Granted, many times it is sexual...but not always...sometimes you have a very deep intellectual connection, sapioamorous...you really don't need to understand...it is not for you and you have already determined that just as those of us who are polyamourous have decided what works for us. I hope you find what makes you happy...thanks for sharing...we can all get along even if we don't get it...lol

At its heart polyamory is recognizing that no one person can be "everything" to someone else. Jealousy is treated as a passing malady and there seems to be a lot of openness and communication. How many good relationships have been destroyed by one partner falling for someone else? How much better is it to recognize that that's a fact of life and make a bigger table instead of throwing out the old in favor of the new? IMO love should not be about owning someone and monogamy and the jealous mate guarding that adds is an extra, unnecessary stressor to relationships.
I'm not in a poly relationship, though I've been in one that fits that description ages ago but some of the strongest marriages I know are poly.

My understanding of such an arrangement is that it isn't about anyone not being enough. It's about wanting to involve someone else to share in that pool. There is a big difference between "some on the side" and having an actual poly relationship. In the most successful arrangements, randoms are not usually part of the deal. Both partners have a say in the third party and as long as that third party is part of the circle, no one else can be for health and safety reasons. No one is interested in spreading around disease, just adding someone to the love. It isn't for everyone, certainly not for me, and some stretch this to outrages dimensions but to each their own. It's their life, their sex and their arrangement which really doesn't affect me in my life at all so no skin off my nose.

Your understanding of polyamory is very much inaccurate. So you are right; you will never understand people who are poly. And, where does it say that we have to be monogamous, exactly? Whether people want to follow the path of polyamory or monogamy, it's none of my business.

Sometimes you never know what you might fall into, without trying. I conducted a commitment ceremony for a triad earlier this year. I met with all 3 of them prior to the ceremony, so I could understand more fully their relationship and how it came to be so that I could create the appropriate wording for the script.

I learned that they were a husband and wife of 12 years, happily married, extremely religious, both working at a Christian school. After the wife's mother died, she became close with a co-worker who's mother also had recently died. In the process of comforting each other, they became closer in a whole new way they never imagined. In turmoil over the situation, the wife told the husband what had happened, and of course he was terribly hurt and jealous. The wife didn't want to leave her husband, but also didn't want to give up the new love she had found with her female co-worker.

Long story short, the co-worker came to live with the family, the kids call her "aunty" and over time, the couple became a triad, with the husband also falling in love with the co-worker and those feelings were returned. Being a happy triad, yet all three so very religious, they felt they needed to have a formal commitment ceremony with vows, white dresses, a suit and the whole shebang. Not surprisingly, all three of their vows to each other contained biblical references to polygamous relations. Interesting that they chose me (a humanistic minister) to solemnize their commitment.

I didn't know what to expect until I met with them and heard their story, saw for myself the joy they give each other, equally and without jealousy. This is a relationship that worked for them. I had no problem assisting them make formal commitments to each other. They were too embarrassed to bring their situation to their minister, so had sought me out as I appeared to be open minded, understanding that love is love.

I'm sure there are many stories, each different how and why a polyamorous relationship ends up being right and satisfying for the partners, even though they may not have originally been seeking one. In some cases, maybe people have simply adapted to a situation the best they can, maybe more honestly and maturely than jealousy and divorce.

It's the consumerism of capitalism extended into relationships. "We have to buy everything" becomes "We have to try everyone..."

Totally agree.....
Hell, I can hardly keep up with one!

I agree,these people are not normal and have commitment issues

Romantic involvement is pretty much like everything else in life. Everyone is different. Some people are built for monogomy. Some are not.

My parents were married for over 60 years and to my knowledge neither ever strayed. They were perfectly happy as a monogomous couple.

I'm not a monogomous person, and I do not choose to pursue romantic and sexual relationships with those who are for that very reason. Too much of a gap in expectations.

I'm guessing that some folks would consider me to be a bit of a male slut, and that's ok. I've had my share of lovers, and I consider myself fortunate to have had every single one of them in my life. Most I still talk to and all of them I still consider friends. Some went on to eventually get married. Some are still out there having fun. All brought companionship and pleasure in to my life for the time we were together. I will always hold a special place in my heart which belongs to no one else for each and every one of them.

I am with you. And no you are not old fashioned, not in my book.

It's also a substitute for community ties. Sexual narcissism replaces the couple building a community with other couples, singles, and families on issues other than sex. Again, a symptom of capitalist society in decline.

I totally agree I don't understand that concept either.

To me being polyamorous is not so different to being gay. It's not my scene, but whatever floats your boat. Nothing to see, move on.

I can't criticise them, but I think they have something missing, an inability to feel romantically about someone.

The ancient Greek philosophers talked about the base human drive to find a soul mate or our other half. It's trying to make the most of experiencing our brief moment in the universe. Since the universe has no meaning, the only thing left is sharing the journey.

Most of the polys I've encountered have been men seeking extra women. Some of the poly women I've chatted with have proclaimed satisfaction with the arrangement. Yet... Often they are constantly searching for new people. New playmates. New sex partners. New lovers. Always searching...

That speaks to me of a profound dissatisfaction. Perhaps this dissatisfaction is borne of an absence of intimacy or romantic connection, but they don't realise it.

I can only summise that this is because they are either aromantic and/or narcissistic. Their narcissistic constructed self can never allow for a meaningful connection. It serves as a wall.

So the emptiness is their driver to constantly seek new people.

I feel the same way about 3 ways (it's basically the same thing to me)...just doesn't register with me...it just seems like a whole lotta 'distraction'...and lacks true connection. (But of course, not everyone seeks true connection...l can only speak for myself!?)

It is definitely twisted. It is also very selfish.

What if I'm not the one who wants multiple partners, but am willing to share?

Why even have more than one friend? Is the person you're with everything you want them to be? It's a real question. I don't believe any one person can be all that a human might desire, nor would it be fair for me to blame them for not being my everything. It would be wrong to put that kind of burden on another person. I enjoy the company of different friends and different lovers. I don't think what you feel is old fashion, it's how you feel based on what you've come to know and your own ideas, perhaps your own wants, maybe even insecurities (I don't know that for sure, but I've seen that in the past), as a society it's based on an unrealistic ideal of puritanical "Christian" indoctrination and a very limited view of love. You have loved more than one person in your lifetime, correct? Many just have the ability to be honest with themselves about the time frame in which they love another (again, not saying you're being dishonest with yourself). But most humans are Poly, most just don't have the ability to look at their own desires in an unabashed manner. P.S. People don't make me happy, no relationship can make you happy. You have to chose to be happy in a relationship. Love is a choice, many choose to give love to more than one person.... P.P.S. You can call me new fashioned if it makes you happy.

Without bashing you at all, please read your entire statement again.

Saying that people are not normal, and questioning why even be in a relationship if... It’s not calling people derogatory names, but it also definitely does not come off as simply being curious. It comes off as self-righteous and insulting.

Although I am naturally monogamous and cannot see that changing, I think similarly to many others and say let consenting adults find their happiness in their own way and then we are all happy!

It's not that you aren't enough. In a poly relationship, it's more of a mutual attraction between multiple parties. Like "I like Joe, Joe likes Mary, Mary likes me, Joe likes me, and I like Mary." kind of deal. Like when you have more than one friend and all hang out, you all get along, that's it's own form of poly relationship, the other ones just involve deeper emotions.

On both a mental health and physical health level you are on top.

I have a lot of friends who are into polyamory, and the ratio of successful relationships seems to be consistent with monogamy. It's not my thing. I want my partner's undivided attention and prefer to give him mine. Life is already complicated enough. I don't judge anybody for their own preferences, though, as long as all involved are consenting adults.

It's been interesting to see how this thread has evolved....from extreme opposition by some...to subtle agreement by others....and everything in between....

The thing l noticed that came with many of the responses though was this overtone of others trying to sway me based on their own experiences... as if my own feelings are somehow 'wrong' because l had voiced them.

Noone here knows me and they can't pretend they have any clue who l am as a person. People who do know me will attest that l don't back down from a fight, but l also won't waste time trying to talk sense to a fool.

It makes no difference to me which side of the fence you're on...or if you choose to straddle it.

My conscience is clear. I won't be losing any sleep over anything that happens here.

It's not my job to understand them.....none of my business either. The simple rule should be, are they hurting me somehow? No, well then...

Supposedly, this arrangement is what caused Bourdain to kill himself.