Redeeming my old xian music?! Something unexpected has happened to me the last few days. In the midst of a tough time, I've been finding comfort in my old xian music, in particular Tenth Avenue North and Abandon, if you're familiar with those bands.

No worries... I'm not suddenly irrationally believing in god again! I replace "god" with "me" and it's all about how I have the power to change myself. I am the one giving myself unconditional love. Before I can love another, I have to love myself. Facing myself is simultaneously frightening and hope-inducing.

"So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark"
(Healing Begins, Tenth Avenue North)

Even with zero belief in god, the last few days I've been bathing myself in this music. Very healing. So surprising because not long ago this music was triggering for me, bringing back various unhealthy thoughts associated with deconversion.

The idea that we're all basically broken is false. But if there are real issues from your past that have affected you, then there are broken bits. Xianity didn't work for me - because I believed it... I trusted god to change those bits. But only those who did the hard work actually changed. It was us all along. That realization is so freeing... I'm the one with the power. It's not magic wand power... It takes time. But it's not nothing either.

Thoughts?