Just pondering about myself.
I am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Which is a blend of schizophrenia and bi-polar. I've had it since i was young, but back then they didn't have a name for it. Mostly I was always labeled as not having focus, or lazy, or lack of paying attention.
I went through years of that, but over time it got worse. After a while I became suicidal, not so much the action of doing it, but the thought of it was there alot.
after some time it got real bad and I did try ti end it all with taking a ton of pills. That didn't work, but it did give me a moment of, I would either try again, or get some help.
I chose the latter, for the most part I love life, I love to learn new things, I love to explore. So I checked myself into the mental ward at a local hospital. I didn't really learn much there, but just the fact that I was able to seek help rather than try suicide again, gave me a bit of focus, and determination.
Since then I have been through a mental health place where they set me up with a psychrist, and a therapist.
I've grown a lot, and I've learned some good tools through time that have helped me get through some things that used to terrify me.
Aside from the medication, I have learned through therapy that baby steps practiced all the time help me deal with some of the problems I deal with.
It is very hard for me to be around a few people at once. I have a long way to go with that, but one tool I've devoleped is that I take a long walk, about 2 miles there and back, and what I have been trying to do is when I pass some one coming the other way I'll wave my hand, and say Hellow.
It used to be hard, but after some practice it's becoming much easier. In fact I've gained a reputation of 'the friendly guy'.
I still have a long way to go , but I love the fact that I am making progress.
Sorry for the long winded speach, but it was something on my mind, so I thought I should post it.
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Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I am also schizoaffective. I get hallucinations, panic attacks, paranoia, the works.
I found medicine didn't take the hallucinations away and only made me feel...empty. I attempted suicide quite a number of times, but when I was 20 I found coping skills and some insightful knowledge that helps me cope a lot. My hallucinations I learned are stress based, and if I see them and acknowledge them as a hallucination from stress, they don't bother me as much. When I'm having an episode I take that as a sign for a break.
I do a lot of meditation and calming. I've still not learned how to focus properly, and my emotions are still kinda all over the place, but when I'm really frazzled I listen to these specialized relaxation musics that trigger the the emotional part of the brain and make it calm down. Really nice stuff.
I learned how to not let my mental disorder rule my life. But when I relapse I get help. My parents are allowed to take guardianship of me should I lose it too bad and start refusing help, then they can throw me in a facility to get help, but so far I don't feel like that'll happen. I've been good about recogizing it and seeking help myself.
It's truly difficult, and I don't know many who have actually realized something is wrong in their brain. A lot of the schizos i know truly believe theyre not the mentally ill onea, and refuse help. But I always hope that anyone who suffers like me can still live a fulfilling life.
I'm really happy to hear you're doing better. I hope you keep going. I'm here if you ever need to talk about it.
LadyAlyxandrea
Level 8
July 7, 2018
2
I am truely sorry that you go through that. But in a way I really glad to hear your story. It gives me a sense of I am not alone.
I've gone through years of different doctors trying different medications. Its really hard to medicate for schizoaffective disorder, because there are so many things to tacle. Depression, voices, halucinations, major depression, mood swings, insomnia,paranoia,suidal thoughts, and plenty more.
I have finally found a psychiatrist, and a good therapist that worked with me a great deal of getting the meds that work the best. some I used to take would work on some things, but not others. I am very aware that there is no cure, and even at best the right meds, and doses help a lot, but even at that trial and error, they only work so well.
The only thing I've learned, or decided, was that when I get bad enough, rather that trying to kill myself again, I will seek help, which has helped me many times. I've had to be into the mental ward so far 6 times.
even that isn't a cure, but just the fact that I will seek help rather than suicide again gives me a little hope.
I can't offer much to you, but I can say I wish the best for you.
@TristanNuvo you aren't alone. You are never alone in this. I'm very glad you've determined to keep getting help. That's the best decision you could ever make.
@LadyAlyxandrea Thank you. As much as I have a problem with being around other people, I do love blog sites because I don'have the fear of actually letting the paranoia get the best of me. in fact, I've learned to use a blog that lets me say what is on my mind rather than claming up with real people. Aside from my music that I write writing wrat I really go through is kind of theraputic. Also, every so often I get some feedback from some one that knows what I go through.
From the bottom of my heart I say thank you for your input. It means a lot to me.
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