Have a straight forward conversation with her. Tell her you are hurt.

Not necessarily. You need to talk to her about it, tell her how you feel, and ask for what you want. Based on how that goes, you may decide to make a different choice about getting married. Good luck!

Actions speak louder than words.....

Ouch! I can remember my deceased grandmother's birthday, but hell if I know what day Thanksgiving's on from one year to the next. Might be something similar with your partner. Don't think your relationship's a farce or that she's necessarily being dismissive. For whatever reason that important date just failed to sink in. As someone who's frequently guilty of the same, I apologize on her behalf.

Sounds more like you are hurt and depressed than stupid. You know what you have to do but don't know how to do it so it won't cause a scene. Seems like you are a "peace at all costs" kind of person. I used to be that way. Still have to work on confrontation, but try to look at it as communication.

My suggestion is: be a cowboy, and cut it off at the pass! When you know something is happening soon, like your birthday or an anniversary, don't wait for her to remember. Suggest something to do. Like, "I just remembered, we have an anniversary coming up in a couple of weeks, how about if we go on that riverboat cruise we talked about?" Or, for your birthday, you could suggest a new restaurant.

If this friend's death was hard on her, you could break the ice by saying something like, "I know you had a rough time this week because of the anniversary of your friend's death, and I didn't want to ask you to celebrate, so how about if we plan something for next week instead? That way, You're letting her know that you care, reminding her that she missed something of yours, and asking for a chance to make it up?

Hope this helps

The biggest problem I see is that you are afraid to talk to her about it. Her wanting to visit a dead guy on your anniversary is bad enough, but the fact that you feel you can't even remind her that it is your anniversary and that you had planned something else is an even bigger problem.

Death is always more impactful than new love. Why? Because deaths are often sudden, quick loss, extremely painful.

And, the expectations involved in relationship are about years.

Be careful what you think is important. Too often it is not. And you will wreck the best parts insisting on the little bits.

Run!

I agree with the other comments that you need to talk about it.

But I would like to touch on the fact that relationships are give and take.

I was with a guy who always tucked in his shirt and I preferred it untucked. He made that accommodation for me.
He liked the shower to be cleaned differently and I made that accommodation at my house for him.

There are things I didn’t necessarily make accommodations for like I still like couple photos even though he doesn’t like pictures.
He doesn’t make accommodations for everything that I like.

But like if something means a lot to your partner and they communicate that need you should make an attempt to accommodate it. Birthdays I think count as not being too much trouble. Maybe if you were requiring a huge party with a DJ that might be asking too much. But low key celebration seems reasonable.

Have the conversation on what is reasonable for both of you to ask one another. What does a life with each other look like? Are both of your needs fulfilled? If your expectations are different then it may be time to move on.

You won’t know until you communicate with her about this. Give her the benefit of a doubt going into the conversation. Don’t be confrontational right out of the gate.

She may love you but not care about anniversaries. I held my mother’s hand as she passed away, it was a visceral experience I will never forget.

Your feelings are valid and she should care that she hurt you. If she cares that she hurt you and doesn’t want to do it again then she loves you.

If she says something to the effect of “how dare you say such a thing” then she is full of sh@t.

IMHO

I was in a very similar situation. My instincts said that the relationship was a farce and that her emotions weren't real. She also didn't remember my birthday or our anniversary date. When I discussed it with her she denied it and reaffirmed that her love for me was very real and that she was offended and upset that I could even think that way. I decided to believe her over my own instincts. We're divorced now because she eventually admitted that she didn't love me.

I think that you need to be having these conversations with her and not us. Good luck.

ps. You're not stupid but understandably hurt

Might want to tell her what you're telling us - a group of strangers ...

Different people remember different things. Some things just stick in your mind for some reason, others don't, no matter how hard you try to remember them.
Don't sweat it, don't read things into it, in the end it's just another day.

Good grief, you're still there? I'd say you need to be on your own for a while to understand why you might deserve better. Being alone is far better than being lonely within a relationship. Good luck.

I wouldn’t place a lot of stock in your worry over where YOUR love is? I have 5 children and I remember their birthdays except with 2 of them I get their dates mixed-up, even when I am certain I have it correct (each year)! I will have to look up the year they were born! I sometimes...will call one of them by another one’s name! And, I have been know to go down the list, calling out the name of one of them that I am trying to speak to! Do I love anyone of them, less...not on your life! They mean more than anything in this world to me, except maybe their offsprings! I guess, I need a professional to figure out why this happens in my brain...but, I do know that it is a brain thing! So relax, you are loved! The details are blurry! Lol

Believe her deeds not her words! My opinion is that she's using you can forget the past... I don't think she love you but it need to communicate first, before take any decision.
Sorry if I was so direct, I know it hurt, but I could remember every minute of the life of my lover..

Trust your instincts.
I'm really sorry she's treated you so shabbily.
Free yourself. Doesn't sound like she's worth the effort.

Have the conversation with her first, but honestly, after reading some of the details you've given in the comments, I think it might be time to hand her her walking papers.

I am terrible about dates. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means that the day to day affection means more to me.

Maybe your relationship is only lacking in communication. You need to talk this out with her.

Seems like someone who is living in the past, not the present. Try not to take it personally. It's not about you but them. They might have something that is like a dark cloud over them. They need to start living in the present.

Some people are not into any kind of dates...I don't celebrate or remember dates of anything. I buy gifts and give them any time during the year as it seems appropriate....no reason needed...certain dates do stand out, and I have no idea why...perhaps she is just unaware...talk to her and help her set up a calendar or something. Fortunately, my current partner is the same way...we do remind each other of such things as our anniversary but it is still no big deal to us. I just remember I got married in winter....

Yes. Your relationship is a farce. Go get another woman.