I'm so sorry, Ligeia.

I can relate to the estrangement. There was a catalyst (on top of lots of history) about 13 years ago that caused me to disconnect from my mom. Before that, we had a decent relationship, but there was a lot of underlying unfinished business for me. Apparently, I wrote her a letter, saying I was taking time.

I was always a little surprised that she didn't try to connect in all that time. I couldn't figure out why she could not humble herself, look at her choices and mistakes and just try. I cannot imagine my own daughter thinking she'd "get away with" being out of my life. LOL. But, seriously.

She had a conversation with my sister about four months ago, where my sister asked her if she had actually ever discussed "our childhood" with me. My mom thought about and said "Y'know, I don't think I ever have." My sister said to me "So, I'm just warning you, you'll probably be getting a letter soon."

About two weeks later, I got the letter. 8 pages, typed 11 point font, single spaced. It was 90% of everything I wish she'd had the courage to feel, think and say for almost 40 years. She was humble, apologetic, and took accountability for her choices and mistakes. Over and over I thought "Wow.....gosh, I wish she would send something exactly like this to my five siblings. They NEED to hear this from her."

My response to her was interrupted by my own break up, move, starting over, getting settled and adjusting to a longer commute, etc. But, I will write back. And, for the first time in many years, I think we may have a chance and some kind of a relationship.

As I read your story, I actually think that would be a more difficult kind of estrangement. To never be good enough -- to always be criticized as an adult, when all you want is to be loved and accepted -- by the person who is supposed to love you to the moon and back forever and ever. Your cloud sentiments make me want to simply CRY. I'm so sorry you don't have the kind of mom you want, need and deserve. <hug>

I have three adult children. Long story short, two are heroin addicts. My son lives with me and the other one is here temporarily (I hope). Son is five months clean and daughter will be entering a 28 day program. The last few years have been hell on earth watching my children spiral out of control. Had to bring my son back to life a couple of times. It was all scarey and constant stress. The point here is I cannot imagine not loving them no matter what they do. I could never give up on them. I am their mother to the very end. I feel for you.

My goodness, I could have written your story, except for one detail. I would stay away for long periods of time and then I would show up and nothing had changed. And, much later on in life, I looked back and realized, that everytime I went back, I would do the same thing. I would point out all her faults and how she didn't care about me, etc! And this went on, up until three months before she died at 84. She had a massive heart attack and was in a comma and was not expected to live until the morning! All the family members showed up to say good by. And, I for the first time it seemed, could tell my mother how much I appreciated all that she had done for me (I had kept all my caring feelings hidden for as far back as I could remember). I remembered the things that she had done, that had help me survive. So by the next morning, she gained some strength and managed to live for another 3 months. For that 3 months I never needed to extract anything from her anymore and I felt that she was my mother. She did bring up the things, that I had said when she was comatose...in a questioning manner, not a mutual...'we found each other, sort of way, but, it was good enough! My mother was a a deeply damaged person...I knew about her cruel treatment, and I carried her pain, along with my own suffering! But, she became a very mean and hatefilled person. And, at the same time, I still wanted my mother and she could not fill that position. I believe that she died in peace and i was able to experience my mother for those 3 months. It is because of her father (who died in the pulpit) and 4 brothers who were all self appointed preachers, in the back woods of Ga...that showed me, how evil so often hides behind religion. You never, ever confronted a person who God has 'called'! Mothers, who are damaged, cannot perform good mothering duties, that is pretty much a given...not until some healing can take place.

I'm sorry to hear that. It might be worth reaching out to her, but it's obviously a risk. I was exceptionally lucky with my mom. She did not always like or accept what I did, but I knew that she always loved me. She has been gone for over two years now and I still miss her. If you can patch things up with her it would be great, but that is something that you will have to do together. Good luck.

I have a bad relation ship with my parents. I haven't talked to my dad for 25 years, and don't talk much with my mom. I try to make sure that doesn't happen with my children. We are close, and I want to make sure it stays that way.