In recent years I have become obsessed with perfection within my home. I was driving myself crazy with a need to clean and primp. Friends commented because it was so much not “like” me. Where was the OCD-like behavior coming from? I think I was afraid of it too, but I didn’t want to address it or make waves. I had changed from being a creative, day-dreaming, laid-back artist to a highly focused organizer who was never satisfied with the first design. I convinced myself there were worst things as I made a life out of this odd behavior. This went on for more than ten years.
Today, I look around my middle floor and even take a couple pictures, really seeing it for the first time. The images I see are full of the cluttered, tangled evidence of life. When had I morphed from messy child to cleaning obsessed machine and back? I think I now understand.
I went to court last week. The process of separating myself from someone to whom I had felt “tethered” was progressing and finally becoming reality. The last 16 years were a blur of feeling “out of control.” My life and everything in it from music to travel to expenses and all, was always his decision, his final choice, his last word. I lived a life of not wanting to ruffle feathers, so I always gave in. ALWAYS. Over time, I learned not to give my opinion. I escaped his opinion and control by doing things and not telling him. When he complained, I sat quietly and took the lecturing. The only control I really had in my life was with the housecleaning, so I went at it like a deranged French maid on speed. Nothing was left untouched, unpolished or out of place… ever. When I ran out of things to clean, I moved furniture around and started all over again from another angle or I changed the room color.
Somewhere a while back–and I’ll bet I can pinpoint the exact day because of events that unfolded–I stopped cleaning. Items dropped from my hands where I stood and stayed there in a pile. There was no attempt to make neat piles, no strategizing, no plan. These items and I simply cohabitated and shared the space. I no longer noticed them. When I needed anything, I dug through the piles and found it.
What changed? By leaving a controlling life situation, I regained control for my personal self. My decisions were all mine once again, and my confidence in them was slowly returning. This is a huge need within each of us but so easy to lose, especially if we relinquish control to someone else who seems to need more power than we do. If we allow this to happen, we attempt to compensate by grabbing control of anything we can just to feel alive. I imagine this is how cutters can rationalize scars.
Now, amid the clutter, I am deciding to start my life over with someone new. … someone who has no need to steal my control, someone who likes the artist in me, someone who has so much strength within himself that he needs nothing from me. I will be myself with him and find balance. I know as I learn how to be, I will keep my heart open and allow love to flow. I will ask him to be patient.
No one really knows what life will bring until we try living it and sometimes we learn the hard way by finding what doesn’t work, first. I now know that it is imperative that we somehow move on to find a place where we are free to be who we were born to be, in order to be happy. I hope we can invite people around us who understand this. I hope we all find the courage to change when it is needed. This is what being fully human is truly about. THIS.
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The trick is finding the happy medium! Dust laying is dust not getting breathed. Dust bunnies are easier to pick up when they are bigger ?! A certain amount of clutter is, I believe healthy. Not being able to sit without moving half a dozen things, not so much. The joys of living on your own terms!
Barnie2years
Level 8
Oct 20, 2018
3
Sorry for my dumb comment. I hadn't fully read what you said. I have a different OCD but it can be challenging
Gman510
Level 6
Oct 18, 2018
2
Aw... It's okay really. I kind of understand the challenge of OCD now. I probably should take my cleaning act on the road since I've had so much practice.
It is Okay... what ever you are comfortable with... just be.
GipsyOfNewSpain
Level 9
Oct 17, 2018
3
@linxminx Not Wisdom... but Many Years Comfortable with Myself and I Thank You.
I have been on a similar journey with similar conclusions as to causes. Thank you for your story. It would be nice if I could have the happy ending that you seem to have found.
Stephanie99
Level 8
Oct 17, 2018
3
Choose to be happy Stephanie! The rest will follow.
Thank you for your deep, honest, well-written and insightful post.
Great wisdom:
" If we relinquish control to someone else who seems to need more power than we do. If we allow this to happen, we attempt to compensate by grabbing control of anything we can just to feel alive. I imagine this is how cutters can rationalize scars."
And this:
"I now know that it is imperative that we somehow move on to find a place where we are free to be who we were born to be, in order to be happy. I hope we can invite people around us who understand this. I hope we all find the courage to change when it is needed."
LiterateHiker
Level 9
Oct 17, 2018
5
If we are lucky, we are ever changing.
Nice piece and a wish for happy days ahead for you. 
patchoullijulie
Level 8
Oct 17, 2018
2
We are Ever Changing. For me today it's a good thing. Thanks for the wishes!
Well done. Super super effort. It takes a lot of hard work and determination to get back a sense of personal control. You did well and I love your lived in home.
Amisja
Level 8
Oct 17, 2018
2
Aw thanks! I think my balance is going to be a nice clear countertop to cook on and at least a little space on the table for my dinner plate. Lol
I have low "Emotional Intelligence" so it always surprises me when emotional/psychological events move outside of my head and manifest in the real world. Like you said, very often the cause of the change seems mysterious but when you actually stop to think about, it's rather obvious.
I'm going through a lot of the same process as I am in the process of separating from my STBXW of 20
- years--rediscovering the things that are important to me that I no longer need to compromise on. And many of the things that were important to me as an individual 20 years ago are no longer important to me now as an individual, either because I've changed, or because she continues to influence my perspective, or both.
Like you, organization was never important to me--but as my career has gotten more stressful it's become increasingly important. Unfortunately, my STBXW was responsible for the organization of the house and she never really shared those values, and didn't change as I did--which led to it becoming a major stressor in our relationship.
Now that I have my own place, I find that I maintain it in a way that my 20 year old self never would have.
When I read your post, I think about how eating disorders manifest, as well.
mdinsmore
Level 5
Oct 17, 2018
3
Wow! Interesting and I'll bet you are right about the eating disorders! You're trying to control anything you can. Anything that's left over....
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