The people that have changed me are here with me now. I thank Phyllis for helping fix my relationship as I sit in a car with him in India and she's been dead for years. The people that change you become a part of you. I haven't spoken aloud to her in years, but I used to. She made carrotcake part of my life and now I make '"Fuck Cancer cupcakes" when someone dies. Some of the best parts of me are Phyllis in a very real way and talking things out with yourself isn't crazy.

You are NOT crazy. You are processing your grief. You might want to see if there's anyone among your friends that you could tap to support you while you let things out and not be the strong one for once. But it really does sound like you're doing OK. And you have us. Hang in there.

I lost my dad 12 years ago . Last year , I was doing the same thing . But I went off my medication & was awake for 3 days . It still seemed real at the time of course , emotions do that . Sorry for your loss ,^:

I don't think you're crazy at all, and it has only been a year so don't be too tough on yourself. It takes time for the grief to heal. I think you should always talk to her. She lives on in your heart and that's a wonderful thing to acknowledge. Give yourself permission to cry sometimes whether it's a year or ten years. There's no expiration date on missing someone that meant a lot to you.

I like to remember stories that make me laugh, like when my grandma would cheat at dominoes. It makes me feel like I'm laughing with her again.

My sincere condolences for the loss of your stepmom Evelyn.
I don't think your "speaking" to her is a form of praying, I think it's a form of grieving, as you stated and we all do it differently.

Here I am telling a psychologist about grief.
I know after my mom died I would see or hear things that reminded me of her.
She could be silly at times, she loved dumb jokes and puns. I suppose it's my way of keeping her memory alive by still remembering her sense of humor. I still do it

It’s harmless, and helps you cope. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel, ever.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It just sounds to me like you're talking from your heart to your heart, which is what you need to do. They say the people we love live on in our hearts, so what better way to honor her memory.

You're not crazy. You're working through something that is affecting you deeply and sometimes you need a tool or ritual to do that. You talk to a picture of your step-mom? So fucking what. Do you think your step-mom IS that picture? Is talking to that picture part of your grief? Even if you use this ritual as a temporary crutch so fucking what. Please do what you need to do to work through this and remember there are many others on this site that have had to do this too and we are with you.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Here are my thoughts. I think as a non believer who values rational thought and empirical evidence it's only natural that you'd ask yourself these questions. While I'm on the same page I think there's a danger of becoming dogmatic and literal minded around this way of thinking. Life is more fluid, more nuanced, and as such I think it's important to exercise one's imagination and creativity with many of life's problems whether it be processing grief or contemplations of love. Not only that but it's what you're doing is intensely personal, you're not suggesting that it's a truth that would work for everyone and that everyone should do it. I've known a few religious people who viewed their faith as intensely personal and I have a great deal of respect for this. We all have to navigate the path in our own way. Personally I find your path incredibly rational and reasonable.

[smithsonianmag.com]

Tears for different reasons (joy, anger, grief) contain different compounds. Cry as often and as long as you need to work through the grief. Talk to and about her as often as necessary. You will know when you are past grieving (it can take 2 years). You will not automatically feel sad on thinking about her; you will remember more and more of the good times. Share them freely. If I were there, we would have a good cry together.

Hmmm... no... well maybe.... going to the graveyard and talking to my mom... I know it's not real... but I do it anyway. I do try to be nice to my dead dad... I was such an asshole.

Evelyn,

It might fit some people's definition of prayer, but who cares. When my Dad died, I very much wanted to believe he was in a wonderful place without pain, dancing, playing 42 and playing baseball.

Eventually, logic would return. I think that's how religions started. I can't bear the thought of being without them, so let's invent a place I will see them again.

But you are doomed to be intelligent and rational.

Don't think that just because you are strong means you don't get to fully grieve. Do what works. Remember, you have a place to go without judgement. Here.

Take care.

You're not crazy. People deal with grief over the loss of loved ones differently, and experience varying degrees of grief. Sounds like yours is pretty extreme, and that's okay. It's all okay. If you really do get comfort from conversing with mom, that's okay! It's also okay to face that grief head-on and bawl your eyes out while wishing she were still here, and missing her. Sometimes we never "get over" loss, and maybe we shouldn't. I lost both of my parents to different forms of cancer. I was closer to my mom, and sadly, she went first. I said I was closer to her, and I was, emotionally, but we were separated geographically so I wasn't able to see her on a daily basis and have that kind of closeness. I think my grief over her loss would be deeper had I been able to do that. For me, there are occasional tears, and sadness that she never really got to know my daughter who was still a baby back then. I will always miss her and we all need our mommies sometimes, regardless of how old we are. I think as long as your grief is not debilitating and impacting your daily life, it's just a part of you. I hope this helps.

I don't think that's crazy. Isn't this one of the things psychologists suggest? To "talk" to loved ones who have passed away, or to write them a letter, to help resolve feelings, provide closure, etc.? It might be weird if you're still doing it years from now — probably unhealthy at some point, I don't know — but in the short term, I think it's normal to feel like they still have a place in your life and that you wish they were there.