I came a long way to see her.
Of course, if I had come solely to see her, it would have been...inconvenient for her, and brought her unwanted attention. For she has need of her secrets. No, ostensibly I traveled for my college reunion, as good a subterfuge as any.
Every year (it has become a reunions tradition, now) there is a showing of the Talking Heads movie "Stop Making Sense", to which people dance to with great joy and abandon. I was looking forward to it, for Talking Heads was ALIVE and the "latest cool thing" when I was at school.
In retrospect, I shouldn't have taken the acid Steve gave me. We were going to hit the strip clubs that night, but he got distracted. By her, of all things, which was understandable-she used to be his girl, and I suspect he's never quite gotten over that. She's moved on, and he has, too-but things linger in odd ways.
When the movie started, I was suddenly seized by a sense of being out of place. I wanted to go in, and dance with the others...but I just couldn't. I felt a strong sense of alienation, and I retreated to my room, trying to cope with my dark feelings.
I woke up at 2 AM, remembering I had brought her a gift-a T-shirt with a slogan I knew she would appreciate. I went looking for her, and found her and Steve chattering away. I handed her the T-shirt, and she thanked me, but I felt like a third wheel, and I silently went back to my room. Something broke in me, and like most things of this nature, the only cure I know of is lots and lots of time.
I suppose it was not all for naught-for I wrote this:
Naked In The Dark
I should have reached out, to touch your face
I should have spoken to fill the empty space
Your face all lit up by the pearl moonlight
My dreams dispersed into the swirling night
And I don't know what to make of the silence
And I don't know what to make of the stillness of night
And I'm hiding all alone, and naked in the dark
And I don't know what to make of the bright, bright light
They all were dancing to the songs we both know
I should have joined, I was frozen in place
I finally found you talking to my best friend
And not much further to my journey's end
And for you, your days will go just the same
But for me I feel the loss of more than I can tell
I'm still hiding all alone, and naked in the dark
And I can't return to where I was before I fell
And it's a long way down...
Kissing my angel good-bye
Before I hit the ground
And I don't know what to make of the silence
And I don't know what to make of the stillness of night
And I'm hiding all alone, and naked in the dark
And I don't know what to make of my fading sight
"Might have beens" are nasty little things because virtually all things are better in between your ears than in reality. So they torment you with working out perfectly in your imagination, something they'd never deign to do in reality. We are very vulnerable to the fallacy that "if only x, then it would be different / better / satisfactory".
I own a DVD of that movie, which is my favorite rock film. I agree with how that movie makes you want to dance with it. The other rock film that does that for me is the film version of Hair.